The Things You Can't See

Morning Banter And New Format

SPEAKER_01 0:00

What is going on, my people? Good morning. Good morning. I hope it's the morning time that you're listening to this. Otherwise, good afternoon. Good afternoon.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

You say morning. Do I really like an accent when you say morning?

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Do I?

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Well, I am from the East Coast. I was six years old when I moved out to the West Coast. So maybe I'm shouldn't have it. I shouldn't have. Yeah. You're not supposed to have an accent. It's okay. We all have an accent.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Actually, Californians have an accent. We just don't know it.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

I think we know it. I think we know it. So, guys, welcome back to the show. We're going to be doing something a little different today. Um, you're going to be testing me. You're going to be putting me through a five-part test where I'm going to be answering questions live. We talk a lot about this whole idea of the things that you cannot see. The things you cannot see. We talk about the subconscious, we talk about beliefs driving your behavior, we talk about all of these unseen things. And one of the things that I have been told over and over and over again, and I've started to recognize it, is how good I am at spotting those things, especially for other people, so they can work through them for themselves. And it's just one of those things where I listen to somebody, I ask some follow-up questions, and from that I can spot something that maybe they can't see. And when I allow them to see it, now they can take full control over whatever that scenario is. It's not just the things that hold people back, but it's even the things that make them thrive. And when I see that and I show it to them, sometimes it can help them get unstuck, but sometimes it's like, wow, I didn't even realize that was something that I could utilize to even get more results or have more success in this specific situation. So that's what I want to do today is I want to actually go through some different scenarios because I think the audience will really benefit from having somebody spot some things for them. I don't know how my brain really does this, other than maybe it's because I've been coaching for 14 years and so I've gone through this so many different times. But I just want to show it live here in this scenario. So you ready to do that with me?

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

All right. So welcome to Modern Leadership Coaching. My name is Mark.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

And this is where we help you lead yourself well. That's what we're going to be talking about over the next couple episodes. We run this program called the Self Leadership Lab, where it's all about being able to help guide yourself through anything that you go through. And one of the things we talk about is you need to have a spotter. You need to have somebody who's able to spot things that maybe you wouldn't even know is actually going on inside of you. So you can actually see it and change it, right? Because if you don't know it's there, you can't really change it. And a lot of times that's what happens. And we keep going back, doing the same things over and over and over and over again, expecting a different result. And I don't want that for people. I want them to be able to take control over it. So that's what we're going to do today. We're going to do like some mock scenarios. So if somebody's going through these, they might have a different perspective the next time you do

Why Blind Spots Run Your Life

SPEAKER_01 2:49

that.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

So what do you mean when you say somebody cannot see something about themselves?

SPEAKER_01 2:54

We all have like this filter, right? This filter that we experience life around. And a lot of it is based off of our past. Some of it can be based off our strengths, our weaknesses, what we like, what we don't like, our personalities. We have this natural thing in our brain that it just interprets what's going on around us. And we make assumptions, and I mean, it's just a filter that we see the world through, right? And this filter has become pre-programmed based off of the environment we're in, our family, a school, work, all those kind of things, the things we've seen in real life, right? And what accidentally happens is we don't realize some of those things have made their way in there. And we think it's just definitive that this is just the way it is. And when you don't know that it's actually there, it could actually control you without you knowing it. And I don't like that. I want to know it. I want to see it. Even if it's like maybe not the most exciting thing to see, I want to know like what kind of has power over me or what has potential of controlling me, because then I can take back that control. I love how our brains, we have this thing called choice where we can go out, we can choose how we think about things, all that kind of stuff. But most people don't realize they have that choice because they're being trapped in their past, all the things that have happened to them, all the experiences they've had, all those things kind of like dictate their future. And so when you see something there, you can do something else entirely different, think something else entirely different. And it gives you back your power. So that's what I mean is there's things there. It feels like it's set in stone. And if you don't analyze them, they're gonna kind of like be the thing that you filter your whole life around.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Yeah, you said that you want to know what is not obvious so that you can fix it, right? Or so you can work on it. But I know that there are some people that know there's there's something, maybe they don't know specifically what it is, but they know something's going on underneath, but they don't want to uncover it. Yeah. Because that means something to them, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:46

Yeah, whether it's something about them or something about their potential or something about things they've done in the past, like all that kind of stuff. Yeah. It can be a very scary thing. Um, but I think we have a lot of people here listening to this podcast who are open to growth who want to be able to see things. It doesn't mean it's always gonna be pretty, but it means you're gonna be able to have some data to be able to go and make a different decision if you choose to. Like if you're not looking for growth or not looking for like new ways to go, yeah, today's episode is not gonna be for you. But also none of our other episodes are either. Because a lot of this is we are talking to people who are high performers, they want to grow, they're taking action, and they want to get the best results possible. So you have to be willing to think differently if that's the case.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Yeah. So someone who does end up discovering something that wasn't really obvious to them before, how does that end up being the thing that makes them good, let's say, at their job, or as a parent or as a spouse or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Yeah. So so let me give you an example about that, because a lot of times we think about this in the negative, like the things that we don't see can actually hold us back. But actually the things that you don't see, you don't realize could be your superpower that you can utilize in other areas of your life, right? So when it comes to like let's say coaching or asking questions, like maybe you're great at being curious, right? But you only do that when you're actually coaching somebody that you're having a conversation with, like an actual coaching contract. And then you don't use that when you're with your family. You don't use that when you're trying to coach yourself. You don't use that thing that you are exceptional in the world at in those other areas. And you're like, I don't know why, like everything's falling apart. It's like I can't. And it's because like you are using something that you're exceptional at, but you're only using it at work, or you're only using it in one area of your life. So when you can see that, you can go, oh my gosh, I cannot believe that I have this curiosity in this situation. But then I get home and I get angry with my family. And it's like, well, how could we utilize that? And so when you see it and somebody spots it, then you can go, oh, I see what the thing is. And then you can start utilizing some of your superpowers in different areas. Yeah. We we talk about this a lot when it comes to like people who want to let's say grow a coaching business. Obviously, we have a big group of people who are coaches who are out there wanting to actually help more people. And what they don't see is their strength is not social media. Their strength is not writing emails, but they try to do that because they see everybody else doing it. And when I get on, we have some conversations, we see that like maybe the best fit is to just talk to more humans in like real life scenarios, and then they start growing their business and then they start making income and they start making impact and they're able to do this kind of stuff. And it's like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this is working. It's like, yeah, because your superpower is talking to humans. Your superpower is like being in front of somebody and giving them your time and attention. You can't really do that in a DM on social media. Those kind of things, like I would say you like you can do them to be a support of those other things. But like if you're leaning on what everybody else is leaning on because you think that's what you have to do, then we need to figure out like what you need to do to lean into your superpower. Because you don't want to keep leaning into your weaknesses or the things you don't do well.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Yeah, definitely. So here's something that we're gonna do. So I'm gonna present uh situations. Okay. And then, you know, you're gonna tell me like what you notice about about these situations and how it applies to what we're talking

Feedback Fails And Curiosity Wins

SPEAKER_00 7:57

about. Okay. So let's say a supervisor gives the same piece of feedback to somebody three times and nothing changes.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

He decides the person does not care.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yeah. Yeah. So in a scenario like that, if I'm coaching that person or even if I'm going through that myself, right? We tend to make different assumptions. Like in this assumption, it's like, oh, he must not care. And we make assumptions without actually asking enough questions to figure out what's actually going on. So in these kind of scenarios, sometimes it has something to do with like the leader didn't do a great job of being able to communicate to the person what they needed because they either assumed that they knew exactly what they were going through or what exactly they needed to know. And they didn't actually ask, like, hey, what are three things that you need to know about this thing before you actually go out there to make sure that you're going to be able to do it for sure, right? And and they haven't slowed down enough to do that. Like, you can't assume that somebody knows something, or you also can't assume that somebody doesn't know something. You just have to kind of ask. Um, and even the whole idea of like not caring. It could be that this person is just struggling with confidence issues. They have perfectionism or procrastination because they're nervous of like, I put this together, the boss is gonna see this and what's gonna happen next. And all of these are things that you don't really know as a leader. All you do is you see the symptoms. The symptoms are that they have been asked to do this and they haven't done it. But you don't know the cause. You don't know what's actually going on under the surface. And the beautiful part about this is like when you go through these scenarios and you're working through it, it actually helps you to process it, to have this conversation. Because if this is happening in this one scenario, it's probably happening in different places too. And once you overcome this and you actually find out what's going on, you're gonna maybe find a solution to not just that situation, but uh all the other situations that you could be dealing with, even if it's not at work, maybe it's in a different scenario. And it's because you're more open to asking a few follow-up questions to find out what's actually getting in the way. I also know that this comes up a lot when somebody assumes that somebody like doesn't care and they don't realize that there's actually something in that person's way that they couldn't have even possibly done it. Maybe they weren't knowledgeable enough to get into a database. Maybe they didn't have the credentials to log in. Maybe there's so many other pieces to this that you don't really understand. But if you asked a few other questions and you got to the actual root of what was going on, you may find that part of it is on you and a part of it is on them, but you can have a conversation so that that didn't happen again.

SPEAKER_00 10:22

Yeah, I really I really like that because it helps you understand that like good leaders don't assume. They are they get curious. So rather than thinking this person doesn't care, it's like, okay, well, what's going on? Let me, you know, ask some questions or let me find out what's going on. Maybe there's a bottleneck somewhere. And it's not necessarily, you know, personal to that person. That's not like there's something wrong with them. Maybe the way they communicate it wasn't the best way. Like you said, if you find out that that was the case, then maybe you kind of look at other areas. Maybe you find that this is happening at home too. You know, you ask somebody to do something and they just don't do it. Maybe it's a communication problem. Right. So then you can fix it, right? Yep. You know, rather than getting defensive or saying like, you know, people don't care or they don't respect me and things like that, you kind of go down those spirals. You can get curious and be like, okay, well, what what do I have? Or what's the piece that I have control over? Or what can I uncover here that can help me and then, you know, like change everything, right?

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Yep. It often does. It often does. Because if you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, it's gonna keep happening to this person. Then you might fire him, you might hire a new person, and then have to fire that person, and then hire a new person, and then fire a new person because you're not getting to the root. Yeah. You're thinking that, hey, this is just a him problem, and it's not. It might be a part of it, might be him, but a part of it also is you. In that scenario, like you'd find out if you were really curious about it.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Yeah. I mean, so many problems can probably be solved with just that idea.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Right. Where it's just like go with curiosity more often than not. Yep. Okay.

The Hidden Reasons You Say Yes

SPEAKER_00 12:05

So another situation. So a person says yes to something they did not want to do.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

And afterward cannot explain why they said it.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Yeah. So a lot of times in these scenarios when I start asking some questions and getting curious, I find there's a couple things under the surface. Sometimes it's the I have to say yes to everything because if I don't, I'm going to miss out on this opportunity. And so there's a scarcity behind it. It is, I absolutely have to say yes to everything because I'm bootstrapping my business, or I'm, I have to climb the ranks in LAPD, or like whatever that story is that I used to tell myself would make me say yes to everything. Right. And so it was like when I looked at it, it wasn't saying yes. Well, first off, it didn't feel like it was a choice. It felt like I had to say that. I had to do that because that's just what somebody has to do in this scenario. And all of those internal beliefs that kind of like made me feel like I didn't have control. Right. And I think one of the things that comes up for me too in this scenario is you can still be the person who says yes, but you want to do it from a different energy. You want to do it from the energy of, yes, and I'm going to crush this and I'm going to show them what I'm capable of. And I'm going all in with it.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

And you know exactly why you said yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Yes. And I'm like, I said yes to this because I do want to show up in this environment and show them what I'm capable of. Like I said, right? And it's a different energy that happens, right? As opposed to I say yes. And then afterwards, I'm like, why didn't I say that? Right. And then not actually analyzing it, not analyzing and going, well, did I say that because I felt like I wouldn't be good enough if I said no? Did I say it because I was going to miss out on an opportunity, right? Or was I nervous what was going to happen? Right. It's like you don't realize it, but there is those hidden things that are causing you to say yes. And then when you go to deliver, it kind of feels like some resentment or frustration. And you don't deliver the way that you want to, right? You don't show up as your best self. And those are all things that I look for under the surface. Because a lot of times when you ask those questions and you find that out, you can actually figure out like what you can do to undo that.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yeah. Okay. So here's another scenario.

Keeping Meetings Calm Then Boiling Over

SPEAKER_00 14:02

So a person keeps every meeting smooth and goes home frustrated.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

Okay. So so when I'm talking to people who are not bringing up or communicating things because they're uncomfortable, it's kind of like they have this thing where they're trying to pretend like everything's fine on the inside, but it's really not. And they don't want to call it the elephant in the room. They won't want to create waves. They're like, all of these things are going well. If I do this, like people are going to take it the wrong way. I'm going to be like a mean boss or all this kind of stuff. And there's a lot of stories they're telling themselves that actually is creating that kind of destruction, right? When you have something that goes against your values or goes against your job is to call it out, not be an Adam Henry or an a-hole about it, right? It's more of like, hey, like I need to put this out there so we can have a conversation around it and figure this piece out, as opposed to me getting angry and frustrated later. Right. And so being able to spot those things and find out like, why do you think that you're not saying anything? Right. And a lot of times people are like, I don't want to upset people. I don't want to say the wrong thing. Like, I don't want people to think that I don't have my stuff together. I don't want, and all these kind of like assumptions that they're making. When in reality, if they were to say something, it would actually make everybody else respect them more and realize, like, oh wow, this is something that's important to them. There's that adage of like, we teach people how to treat us. And this is the same thing. If we don't say anything, we're teaching them that that's okay. It's okay to just keep going down that path. It's okay to bring that stuff up. It's okay to talk about the things that maybe you don't want to talk about, right? But when you say something, you don't have to say it in a rude manner. But if you realize that you're trying to keep the peace for everybody else, but inside you're going into turmoil, that's something for us to have a conversation and be able to figure out.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

Yeah. So how does somebody actually start seeing this in themselves?

Why You Need A Spotter

SPEAKER_01 15:45

So for me personally, I found a coach. I found somebody who could see those things who was a few steps ahead of me. So back when I was a hundred pounds overweight, I didn't know the inner stuff that I was telling myself that was not allowing me to break through, to lose weight, and to keep it off for good. And it's very hard to see it within yourself. We talk about this whole idea of like self-leadership or self-coaching. And what people think that means is isolation. Like, even this, like listening to this podcast is gonna help me find the uh hidden things in my brain. And it's like, well, not really. Like it's gonna give you some ideas of like how you know you could go about it or how you can see this in other people, because that's much easier. But when it comes to like seeing it in you, you need to find somebody who can spot it in you. Because those things that you like think about is just like fact is not fact. It's just your brain going down that path to keep you safe. And there's so many number of ways that we can see this. It's also a reason why I have a coach, why I have people that I reach out to, because there's things that I know that I believe or that I think that are under the surface that it would be super easy for me to spot in other people, but like very, very difficult for me to spot in myself. So I would say the environment, the coach, the person that you're talking to, the person who can help you, finding somebody who can spot this. Because if you're not, it kind of feels like you're trapped and you're wondering why things aren't changing.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

Yeah. It kind of reminds me, I don't know why this popped up in in my head, but it like it reminds me like, you know, when you're watching a movie, you're watching like a scary movie and you're like, oh my God, like it's so obvious. It's like he's right behind you, you know? It's kind of like that where it's it, you're on the outside. It's like you can spot this on other people, but when you're in it, you just you just can't. It's like the saying that you can't see the label from inside the box. Yeah. It's that type of situation. No. And it's not, it's not a problem that you can't see it. Like our our brains are kind of wired that way. Yeah. So finding someone else that can see those blind spots or see the things that are not obvious to you is is the first step.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Yeah. Yeah. It also reminds me of this quote of like, you can't solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it. So when you think about like your scenarios, like you think about the level of consciousness that you're coming from and where your brain is manufacturing or putting together this story or perspective or whatever, you know, whatever that experience is for you. Uh, it's very hard to see it and then spot it and then to change it. That's why change is really, really hard because change has to like really hit on the belief level, the identity level. Because when you do that, that's when lifelong change happens. But your brain doesn't want to do that. It doesn't want to go into that level of identity. It doesn't want to go into spotting things for you that like might feel uncomfortable, might get you out of your comfort zone, right? Which is why it's important that we have people in our lives to be able to do

Self Leadership Lab And Taking Next Steps

SPEAKER_01 18:29

this. So we have a program in November that we put together, right? The self-leadership lab. I want to talk about it real quick here because I think that there are some things that we're gonna be teaching in the program, but also like getting some ways of having people spot this for others, I think it would be extremely beneficial because we all get to a certain level in our life and we need to keep growing and evolving and seeing things that maybe we don't realize are keeping us stuck so that we can keep growing and keep evolving. So no matter where you are, there's like another level that's out there, right? But we have to make sure that we put ourselves in an environment to be able to get to that next level, right? And what we have in the self-leadership lab, I think is a really great system that I have put together recently. This is not something that we've been doing for a long time, but it has a lot to do with being able to not necessarily spot it in you, but giving you a framework once you do spot it so that you can figure out like what the next step actually looks like. So we have a couple different frameworks and things that some of them we've taught before, some of them we've never taught before. But it's being able to get in there, figure out like what it is that could potentially be holding you back, or what are the things that are like your superpowers, and then allowing you to use them, make adjustments, and help you achieve what you really want to achieve. Um, I was on a couple of podcasts uh this week and they were talking a lot about like this whole idea of self-leadership, of being able to navigate any situation in your life because your brain is open to coach and lead yourself effectively. And I was on one of the shows, and I don't know where I came up with this, but I just had this thought of like, what would it feel like if it wasn't just about you getting through this challenge? Instead, it was more about how you can become the type of person that can navigate any challenge that comes up. Because I think a lot of people are going through challenges right now and they're like, I want to get through this as fast as possible. I want to be able to overcome this so that I don't have to worry about this ever again, right? And then it gets to the next challenge, and then they get to the next challenge. And I was like, well, what if the goal isn't just to get through this challenge? It's just to become the type of person that can navigate any challenge that comes up for you. That's what self-leadership is. That is like one of those skills that when you learn how to lead yourself through things and you get yourself to show up as your best self, no matter if things are going well or not, that is a skill that you can utilize in every area of your life. And when you're able to like really master that, which is what we're gonna be teaching in this two-month process, it allows you to be able to take that energy into anything that comes up for you. So it's not just a matter of like, I'm gonna use this to solve one problem. No, you can use this to solve any problem that comes up for you for the rest of your life. And I think about like after losing weight, after understanding like how the brain works and all the things that we teach and we talk about, like how that is now the roadmap that I have for anything that comes up, right? And we've had some very difficult things that have come up, but it's like, I don't know what we would do if we didn't have the ability of being able to lead ourselves through that. Like, I don't know. I love the fact that we can create a business like this, that we can make this kind of impact. We can also make money. But I think about like the things that I would never give back, and that's my ability to be able to lead myself, to show up with energy, to be my best self, especially during the times that are hardest. And that's what we want to teach people. So if you are somebody where you're like, you know what? I do want to, yes, get some help to go through whether it's a challenge that I have right now, but I would also much rather learn how to navigate any challenge that happens in the future. That's what we're looking for, right? So if you're somebody who's interested in that, reach out to us. We can share the details with you, whether you're on our email list, you reach out to us on social media, you also have a page as modernleadership.us forward slash lab L A B. It'll give you a little bit of idea of how the program works. But we don't want you to decide on your own. Because here's the thing if you're deciding on your own, you're deciding from the same level of consciousness that created the problem. Let's jump on, let's have a conversation. I'm not going to convince you. Trust me when I say that. We only want people who are going to be all in with this because this is not easy work. It's the kind of work that makes an impact in your life, your family's life, and everybody's life forever. And it's that energy that keeps like permeating through everything you do. And I do not want to convince you to do something like that. But I don't want you to just settle for whatever your brain says. Because if your brain starts telling you, I don't have the time, I don't have the energy, I don't have this, those are ways that your brain will convince you, like we're talking about today, the hidden things that will actually keep you safe. And then you'll keep going through the same things over and over and over and over again until your brain convinces you to quit. And that's what I don't want. We want you to be able to navigate that and be able to navigate through any area of your life. All

Invisible Blocks And Closing Message

SPEAKER_01 22:57

right. We appreciate you for leaning in today. We know it was a little bit deep, but these are all the things that you can't see. And there's so many of them. I don't want you to be overwhelmed about this, but I do want you to understand that if something is not going your way, something is not working out the quote unquote way that it's supposed to be, it's because there is something invisible that could be holding you back. Find somebody who can spot that for you so you can change it forever. All right, everybody. Appreciate you. Have a great day. And above all, keep leading from the front.