When to Lead and When to Listen

When To Lead Or Listen

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey friends.

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Good morning. Good morning. What are we talking about today? What are we talking about today? Okay, guys. What we are talking about today is when to lead and when to listen. You have a lot of experience. You have a lot of experience in areas related to work and your life and experiences and things that you've grown through. And what happens is you've earned that experience because you've actually done the work. However, when people bring you questions or they're working on things, it's very easy to reach for. Hey, let me give you some advice. Let me tell you what my answers were. The only problem with that is there's a million problems with that. And that is your experience is really amazing, but it's actually not going to land. And it's actually not going to get them to take the actions they need to take. And then they're going to stop bringing you things. And then before you know it, you're either like not figuring out what's actually going on under the surface, things are not happening or going according to plan, and nobody's bringing you things. Because of the way, really the way I think about this is you're not leading yourself effectively. You just want to share all of your answers. And they could be their answers, but you don't know until you really get into figuring out when I can lead and when can I listen. And that's what I'm going to talk about today. You want to talk about that with me?

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Yes, let's do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

You have to because we are half stuck here. Modern leadership coaching. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

This is where we help you lead yourself effectively.

Self-Leadership Sets The Tone

SPEAKER_02 1:28

All right. Now, one thing that I do want to mention early is a little bit later during the show, we'll talk about a workshop that we're having. It's a free workshop. We're having it on October 19th, and we're going to talk on there about like how to really get great at leading yourself well. And we have a program that we're putting together, but we want people to experience what it's like when you can show up and lead yourself effectively. Because a lot of people think it has a lot to do with leading others and inspiring others and communicating with others and all that kind of stuff. And all of that is a moot point if you're not good at leading yourself. And you're going to hear that today as we go. You may hear, you know what? I think what he's talking about is leading others. But what we're talking about today, the entire lesson is leading you because you have to get good at that. It is directly connected to the impact, the results you're going to help other people get, how you're going to inspire them, has everything to do with whether or not you're good at leading yourself.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

All

Three Modes Cheerleader Fixer Coach

SPEAKER_01 2:17

right. So somebody brings you something. What are the options for what you do next?

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Okay. So there are a lot of options when people bring us things. All right. I'm going to put this into three different buckets. Okay. Three different buckets. Number one is you're what Mark used to be, the cheerleader. And I'm like, if you can't do it, no one can. Go, go. You get three pom-pongs. I'm serious. Like I used to, I still am the best cheerleader ever. Like people would get off a call. And by the way, this is also my greatest weakness as well. People will get off a call. By the way, remind me to talk about that. Okay. Because we just hired somebody, a marketing professional that is helping us level up a couple different things. But we want to talk about that. All right. Cause I don't want, um, I don't want to hide anything from the peoples. Okay. Uh, but when you think about like being the greatest cheerleader, I see the best in other people. I believe in them so much. It's so easy to believe in them because I see them, I see their past, I see what they've been able to grow through, how they can make an impact in the world. And I I want to show them. And I'm like, hey, look at this mirror. You're amazing. You're awesome. You got this, right? So that's what my typical thing was is like I would be the cheerleader. Somebody would get off a call and they would be like, we actually had this happen uh in one of our calls recently, where they're like, um, I know we still have 30 minutes, but can we leave? Because I need to go and do these things. And I'm like, I love that so much. But it's the difference between what we'll talk about later is like empowering them to do this like on their own versus like being tied to me to be their motivator. So number one is the one way we can do is we can be their motivator, right? We can be their person that brings out their excitement, which there's time and spaces for, right? But in the beginning of a call or sometimes in the middle of a call, it's not that time or space, right? So that's the first thing you could do. Second is you could be a fixer. We call this a mentor. We call this a, oh, let me share the three steps that I actually did to actually overcome this for good, because this is really gonna help you. Now, if you're like a marketer, you're selling online, that kind of stuff, you're gonna want to do some part of mentoring, right? Like when you see things online about, hey, here's the one way to be able to do this, here's how you like that's like more marketing language. But in reality, there isn't one right, best only way to do anything, right? And so when we think about that, when we think about like jumping on a call going, oh, let me give you my way of doing this, we lose the ability of finding the incredible answers inside the other person. It doesn't mean we don't say it, right? So I know I joked around about this before. Like people always ask us, like our clients are like, Hey, should we start a podcast? And like it would be dumb if we were like, well, just believe in yourself and you'll be able to figure out the right microphone. You know, it's you want to do some mentoring in that space. But also doing some coaching, like, yeah, tell me a little bit about like what you see in like how and what do you want to help people with? Like, what makes you different than other people that are out there? Like questions like that, right? To be able to pull out and go, Well, here's the reasons why, and this is how I'm gonna connect the dot in my business, is how it's gonna move things forward, is how it's gonna make me feel, this is why I'm gonna make this impact. Then we're like, okay, let me share with the microphone, right? It's a sure MV7. This is what you get. You get this scarlet focus right, this thing, this thing. And like you can get some help with that, right? But if you start with that, you miss out on that really valuable piece. So that's the second one is we jump into mentoring, fixing, telling them our strategy. And then the third way that we can jump in is we get curious. We put our coaching hat on and we ask enough questions. If you probably haven't guessed, that's my most favorite one now. Before was the previous two. I didn't know anything different. I didn't know the skill, right? And by the way, people think coaching in terms of the skill is just asking questions. I hate to break it to people, but just asking questions actually can steer a conversation in the wrong way. You've got to have some type of like direction when it comes to coaching questions and the questions that you're asking, are they generative in nature? Are they negative in nature? Are they focused on what's broken, wrong, or missing? Like there's points for each one. So I don't just mean like, oh, just being curious is gonna be enough. It's actually not. It can get your client or yourself to like really spiral. I'm sure people have been in their head when their brain asks them those questions. But those are the three different ways a cheerleader, a mentor, and a coach. And there is a time and a space for each one, but at the start, it is never the first two. I'm just gonna say that. Never, ever, ever. You don't have enough information. Anything coming into your mind in that moment is making assumptions and you have no idea what's actually going on. And so the first thing is just to get in and ask some questions.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

So, what do you think is the one that we most reach for and why?

SPEAKER_02 6:26

Yeah, it's based off of our past. So the one that you typically have always reached for. It's gonna be different for everybody. For me as a cheerleader, that was my thing. Like ever since the beginning, people will always tell me, like, Mark, when I get off a call with you, I just feel so energized. I just want to go out and run. And I'm not a runner. I'm like, I thank you for that, right? But when I think about like what I do really well and what people respond to, I start to take on those actions and those behaviors in the future because I'm like, well, I feel good when I do this, and other people feel good when I do this. So it must be what I should do. And then I would do everything with that. You'd bring me something, I'd be your cheerleader. Kids would bring me something, I'd be their cheerleader. I'm coaching people through health and fitness, I would be their cheerleader. LAPD, like I would be their cheerleader, like no matter what was going on, right? And some people really love that. And it actually did help a couple people, and some people didn't. So, like when I think about like which we normally reach for first, it's gonna be different. So you want to ask yourself, do I usually reach for advice? Do I usually reach for like being a cheerleader, or do I really reach for actually wanting to understand what's going on first? And let's hope they choose option number three. But typically your brain will go into whatever your brain normally goes into, which is one of the other ones.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Yeah.

Why Advice Often Does Not Land

SPEAKER_01 7:32

So speaking about, you know, option door number one and door number two, why does it not land when you actually use those? I mean, obviously it does work sometimes, right? Because there isn't time and place, like you said.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

But why doesn't it land sometimes with some of these approaches?

SPEAKER_02 7:47

I feel like there's 10 different reasons why it doesn't land, but let me pull out a couple of them. First off, is when you're telling people what to do, they don't actually find their answers based off of where they currently are, their own strengths, the things that they do exceptionally well, the things they enjoy and the things they don't enjoy. They're using your answers. And when somebody uses your answers, they don't have full buy into it. Now they're just testing it or trying it versus somebody who's like, now that you asked me that question, here's something that I can actually really utilize, right? I mean, just give you a perfect example. So I was having a conversation with one of my clients today, and they were talking about increasing sales. And so I asked them some questions like, tell me about some conversations that you've had recently who people who've taken the next step. What are your best clients? What do they look like? Where did you originally like send them a message? How did you connect with them? What spoke to them the loudest that pulled out of them, like, hey, I want to like take this next step in your program? And through that, they were like, you know what? I didn't realize that they came from this group. It was me making this conversation in real life and in person. And this is the thing that like really spoke to them. So maybe I can utilize it moving forward. And none of those had anything to do with me asking them a specific question related to something that I think that they could use. Those questions are like more closed-ended and we can accidentally guide people in a direction, or we could just straight out be like, hey, this is what I think you should do. And none of those things would have found it, but they also wouldn't have found the belief that they need to have when they're doing that thing. Yeah. I want you to think about this. When you come to your own conclusions, think about the belief you have and what it is you're gonna do. Think about the energy that you're gonna have when you do it, versus when you're trying something else that somebody else asks you to do, especially when it's uncomfortable, right? When somebody asks you to do something uncomfortable, it's not your decision. The chances of you doing it, I mean, you could do it, but your energy might not be there. You might be like second guessing it, you may be dipping your toe in, which if you're trying something, you're not giving it your full effort. We don't know if it's actually gonna work or not. I have had lots of clients who've tried things before and hasn't worked. They work with us, we reframed their perspective. They actually went back to doing that thing, it worked better than ever. And I'm like, it's because of that energy that you had versus when somebody tells you to do that. So, so that's one of the main things for me is like when we tell people what to do, they lose out on that energy that they could have by coming to that conclusion.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Yeah. And I think that uh, you know, when you're mentoring, like obviously there there are these times when like mentoring is the way to go because you're the expert or what have you. But when you don't really know what's going on, and then you try to tell someone like what helped you, like let's say if you can relate to them because you're like, oh, I was there. Let me tell you exactly what you need to do. Then they try to do it, the other person tries to do it and it doesn't work because they didn't really get into like what it is that like their strengths, yeah, what the problem, like what the exact problem is and what they're good at, like some of the things that you know they want to do because it's just easier to just give people advice. And I think that sometimes mentors will actually try to do this as a way of creating a carbon copy of themselves. That would be the easy way, right? To be like, hey, just do what I did. Yeah. Right. And then you're just trying to duplicate yourself when in reality everybody's different. Yeah. Everybody has different skills and strengths, and you know, why why do that disservice to them? Why not just bring out what it is that they're really good at and what they want to do? And then you can give them some tips.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Yeah. Yeah. A couple of things you just brought up there is even the part around like what the person wants. What you think you want versus what the other person wants could be completely different. You could have an assumption that they want this and they want nothing to do with that. So, how is giving them advice to get something that you want going to be helpful? Right. And by the way, I want to share this with you. And this is like a lot of what we talk about related to self-leadership. Your brain operates this way because it doesn't know any other way to operate. That's why you have to get exceptional at being able to lead yourself, which is not just discipline, not just forcing yourself. It's understanding what's going on under the surface. What we've talked about today has nothing to do with leading others, believe it or not. Has everything to do with leading you and stopping and realizing there's a different perspective here in terms of like, I'm not here to tell them what to do. I'm here to get enough information so that I can give them some guidance if it makes sense at that point, or I can be their cheerleader, or I can just keep asking them questions to figure it out. But that starts by leading you. It doesn't start by leading them. And because everybody's like, oh, what questions should I ask? And I'm like, well, first off, we got to get good at being able to ask yourself questions, right? Because like when you are going through this, when you are showing up, you have to be exceptional leading yourself. Because if you're not, you're gonna get off the rails. You're gonna be following whatever it is that they're doing or whatever they're asking. You have no idea. What comes up for me here too is like when people bring you problems, they actually don't know what the problems are. Just like you don't know what your problems are. So let me pause that for a second. You think you know what your problem is. If you did, you'd already have the solution. You don't. We all don't. Like the problems that we have is just because we think we are solving a problem, but in reality, it's a totally different problem that we have. And that's really where the power of self-leadership is is like you don't even know what your problem is, let alone what their problem is. And so when you're trying to get in there and fix their problem and they're like, I need to find more clients, you don't realize that one of the problems they have is being able to lead themselves to ask somebody to work with them, to be able to reach out and have a conversation with another human. You think, oh, let me give you the three steps on how to get more engagement on social media, or let me give you this other thing that'll get people into your funnel or get people onto your email list. You have no idea that in reality they think they have a problem with finding clients. No, they have a problem 10 steps before that. Talking to a human, having a genuine conversation, knowing some skills that can actually help people, right? Not just saying, oh, I have past experience so I can help people. I don't think so. Maybe not necessarily, maybe as a mentor. But if you're talking about as a coach, you need to have some skills as a coach and you need to be a good at coaching yourself, or you're not going to be good at coaching other people. So if you kind of hear, I'm getting a little bit excited about this because I feel like this is the piece that people miss. They're like, oh, I know what my problem is, but they don't. But then they go into like coaching conversations or trying to help people with their kids or their spouse or their leadership at work or anything like that, and they think they know what the problem is. It's the same thing, but they're doing it to other people instead of doing it to themselves. And it feels like it's a double whammy. And I don't like that. I don't like when we go into those situations and we have no idea how to do this, and then we just chalk it up to I just need to learn how to lead other people better. Now you gotta learn how to lead yourself more effectively. Because when you can do that, then you can learn how to lead other people too.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Yeah. So when there is that kind of imbalance leading, you know, versus listening, what do you think the cost is of that?

SPEAKER_02 14:24

People stop bringing you things. When you get into fixing mode and you get into whatever it is, whatever mode you're trying to get into, and it's not actually helping them because it's not actually solving the problem because you don't know what the actual problem is, they stop bringing you things. They stop bringing problems and challenges to your attention. They stop talking to you about those kind of things. And before you know it, they're happening under the surface, but you have no idea and nobody's bringing it to you anymore. We call this creating a safe environment, right? When you're creating a safe environment where when you're having a conversation, you're actually helping them get to the root and find the problem and then helping them figure out like what the solution could actually be. People are gonna keep bringing you things. They're gonna keep wanting to work with you, they're gonna keep wanting to be led by you, they're gonna keep wanting to be inspired by you. Your kids are gonna keep bringing you extra things. Your wife and your husband is gonna keep bringing you other things because you're really good at navigating it. But if you start telling them, pointing directions, all those kind of things, they stop bringing you those things. And they are still happening. It's just that you have no like influence to be able to help them with it. That's one of the reasons why a lot of people kind of like lose the ability of helping people because they're struggling with the whole idea of being able to lead, right? Yes, them, but also lead themselves. And in it creates a lot of that disconnection. So that's probably the biggest thing is they stop bringing things to you. And it sucks because then you're like, I can't fix a problem that I don't see. But in reality, when they bring you the problem, you think it's a different problem. So you try to give them advice and it's not fixing it. So they stop bringing it to you. It can be kind of painful in that situation. By the way, there are ways around this. We teach this. This is like literally what we do to create that safe environment so people can start bringing you things, but also so you can understand all the layers that are underneath that are actually going on that you have no idea exist that if you did know it exists, you wouldn't lean into that. You wouldn't lean into giving direction and stuff like that. But when you do that, it creates safety again and then people start bringing you things. But it takes time because it's not gonna happen in one conversation.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Yeah.

Start With Questions Then Mentor

SPEAKER_01 16:12

So how do you lean into the part of listening more, asking questions? How do you push a brakes on mentoring and know when that's appropriate and when it's time to kind of like figure out what it is that that somebody needs or wants?

SPEAKER_02 16:29

Okay. So my answer to this is you always start with it. Always start with it. So we're gonna have a little bit of challenge here at the end of the show where I actually want people to go out and implement a part of this because there's a difference between listening to a podcast and actually implementing it and changing your life because the things that we share here are life-changing. What's crazy is like when people join our programs, we teach this in like a more complete way: workbooks and and getting them to practice with us, right? And it literally transforms every area of their life. And some of that stuff we share here and people don't take any action on it because I don't know if it's just because it's free or it's just like, oh, just this sounds good, but we actually want people to implement this, right? But when I think about like when is the point that I do this, I do it all the time and I always start with it. Because whenever I approach a situation and my brain starts to tell me that I think I know the solution, I tell it, be quiet. You don't know, ask three or four more questions. And as I keep going, this is something that we do in HEMA all the time, right? Somebody brings us something and they're like, I don't have any time. I can't find any clients. I can't do whatever that, I can't get myself to be healthy, all these kind of things, right? You're like, oh, okay. And initially I look at everybody's eyes on the call and they're like, oh, I know what we can do. We can give them a new workout program, we can do a time audit, we could do all this kind of stuff. Obviously, we don't allow that to happen, right? Because we want them to practice the right way. Then we ask them three or four questions, we dive in, and it is completely different when we get to the end. And we're like, wow. Now I always love to ask this. I'm like, hey guys, in the beginning, what problem did you think we had? And they were like, oh, we thought it was this problem, which is usually a technical one. I'm like, what problem did we actually have? And they're like, oh, it was an adaptive one. It was this thought or perspective. And that was driving all of that other behavior, which any of the things that we gave them would have never worked. I'm like, that's interesting, isn't it? How many other conversations are you having with other people? But more importantly, how many conversations are you having in your own brain where you think you know what the problem is, but you can't spot it, right? Because it's very hard to spot it in our own brain. We need somebody else on the outside to spot it and then empower us with certain skills and tools so we can go out and do it on our own, right? But if we don't have that place or that person or something to be able to spot it, it kind of feels the same way where things are just like spinning and you're like, what's going on? And it's because of that whole idea of the problem. So I can't tell you the number of times that I mean, you're on the call so be where it's like, oh, okay, I want to grab onto this and I'm gonna remind them at the end, hey, what did you guys think the problem was and what ended up being the problem? And so for me, like when I experienced that, I mean, I've experienced that like 10,000 times with all the coaching sessions and trainings and stuff that we've done, right? But when I experienced it, that creates a new perspective in me. And the perspective is whatever we started with is generally never the thing that actually at the end is what we end up with. It's like always something different. I would say, like, out of all the times that I coached, I can't even think of a time when it actually was the thing that I originally thought when the person first brought me that. Because the truth is, is the people that you are dealing with, the people that you are leading, your kids, if they knew what the problem was, they would have solved it. They are very smart people. They're very smart humans. They can figure it out. You guys who are listening are high performers. If you knew what it was, you'd be able to figure it out, right? It's just like being able to put that coaching hat on and approach all of those situations, going, I may think I know what the thing is here, but let me ask three or four questions just to make sure. And those three or four questions turn into five or six questions, seven or eight questions. And at some point, when you get to the end and you help to reframe them, help when it comes to like the internal thing, the perspective that they're focused on, right? What we talk about is like find the conscious perspective, the things that they can control, right? When you go from there, they can go, you know what? I have a few other ideas that I've seen work. Would it be okay if I shared that with you? And if they say yes, that is your opportunity to mentor. And then for me personally, I always cheerlead at the end. Because like I see things in, I guess not a lot of people do this, but like I see things throughout the conversation that make me want to call out to them. And I make sure that I call out to them at the end. Uh, the other day we were having a conversation with somebody in the data, a coach and leader inside of Larry Hagner's program, where I get to like coach and facilitate conversations with men who are successful in business, but want to create that level of connection with their family, with their wives and their kids. And one of the things that is brought to us all the time is like they're struggling with whether it's the connection with our kids, connection with their wife, like those kind of things, right? And they bring those conversations and what's going on and all the situations that are happening, which I'm not going to discuss here, but they bring it to the call. At one point, there's kind of like a heaviness with it. Everybody's like, yeah, yeah, like what are we gonna do? All that kind of stuff. And like the guys will lean in and usually they'll give advice. They're not really great at asking questions. That's what our job is as the coaches and facilitators in the room. But like when we get to the end, I always want to remind them that the reason why this is so painful for them is because of the value that they have, the core values around family and connection. That is a critical part of this entire equation. Because if you were showing up that way and you were not feeling that, that would tend to get me to believe that this actually wasn't something that was important to you. But literally, because you brought this to a group of multi-million dollar business owners, you're like, I want to connect more with my wife. I'm like, where else do you have a group that you're willing to jump on, have that conversation, get uncomfortable, talk about some of the things that are happening so you could become better? I'm like, let's just pause this for a second and just talk about like how meaningful that is. Like that you brought it in front of all of these guys that are on here who want to become better. And you this thing pained you so much that you were like, I want to change this. I'm like, what does this? Say about you? What does that say about your values and what you really value in this world? So it's pieces like that where somebody comes in and it's heavy and you help them process it and you help them come out on the other end. And yes, there's a plan that usually they can pour into. A lot of it has to do with like the way that they think and their perspective. But at the end, I always like to wrap that in. And it's different for every single person because a lot of times what they're doing is they're using that against themselves. And I'm like, bro, that is your greatest superpower. Like, do you see this? And I show them the mirror in that specific situation, and then they become unstoppable. They're like, this thing that I brought in that was heavy, literally, because I brought it in, it shows the type of person that I am. And I'm super proud of myself. I'm gonna go crush it. And that little bit of cheerleading at the end brings it all together. But I wouldn't do that in the beginning. I have to help them process it first, work through it so that at the end, yes, they have a way of showing up that they want to and a perspective that will get them to show up that way. But then I leave them with like a good hit of energy so they can go off and do the things that they want to do. So that's what I mean by like starting off with a coaching aspect of things and then working in your superpowers, not Mark's. I don't mean that you should be the cheerleader. I don't know if you can spot things like I do. This is just from 14 years of doing this, but also like this is my superpower, right? But your version of that, starting off with being really good at asking questions and having some type of framework or a path to guide them through. And then, if it makes sense, mentor, cheerlead, do whatever it is that you do exceptional, but after the person has come to their realization.

What Bad Help Feels Like

SPEAKER_01 23:31

Yeah. And I think for me, I've I've realized that whenever somebody brings something to me, and I don't know how else to put this, but like I don't believe them. The first thing that they tell me, like, I don't believe them. And what I mean is because like what you said earlier is like they don't necessarily know what their problem is. So they're going to give you the information that they have, but I can't trust that information yet. So that gets me curious. That gets me more of, okay, well, I I need to understand this situation more. I need to understand where they're coming from, I need to ask more questions because then I can, you know, feel more confident in understanding what their situation is and where I can help.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

So I think that that's been my realization.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Yep. I love it. So I'm curious like what it's like on the receiving end when somebody gets this order wrong. Whether they start with like mentoring or cheerleading, that kind of stuff. What do you think it's like on the receiving end of that?

SPEAKER_01 24:27

I mean, I've had experience with this a lot. I've had a lot of mentors throughout the years. And I think that my initial response is that I just like check out because I most of the time I want people to hear me out. I want to just kind of lay out what is in my brain and just lay it out there. And I want somebody else to hear it. Yeah. Because when you're in your head, like there's so much going on in there that you can't really kind of problem solve in your own head. So most of the time I want people to listen. And now that I, you know, understand coaching and everything, I appreciate questions. I appreciate the interest. So if somebody jumps right into giving me advice, I I'm done. Like I'm like, okay, well, I'm not gonna listen anymore. Maybe I don't do that consciously, but subconsciously, I definitely stop listening and I'm like, well, I I don't have any buy-in now because they didn't truly ask me anything at all. They just jump right into mentoring. So I I do that that's the response that I have. Man, many other people can have a different response. Many people can appreciate that. Many people just think, okay, just tell me what to do. Tell me what to do. But for me, now that I understand how my brain works and I know that I will be more likely to take action or to maybe get out of my head, is if someone will ask me questions. Now, we we joke about this a lot, is that we don't coach each other. Uh sometimes we do, sometimes we don't, because we understand that there are times where, like, let's say I bring you something and then you jump right into telling me something that I could do or that you've noticed something, and then like you're jumping at the opportunity to kind of tell me what it is that you think I should do. And and I know that I obviously we have a great relationship, and I can tell you straight out, like, stop that. Like, don't do that. I just want you to listen, right? So I can tell you that. But let's say this like another relationship, like a professional relationship, you're the person that you're leading is not gonna tell you, uh, hey, knock that off. Like, why don't you ask me questions? Because number one, they probably don't feel comfortable doing that and calling you out like that. And number two, they probably don't know.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

They don't have the skill.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

Yeah, they don't have the skill. So, so yeah. So to answer your question, my response is I just check out.

SPEAKER_02 26:54

Yeah,

The Marketing Audit Lesson

SPEAKER_02 26:55

yeah. And this is actually probably a perfect time to talk a little bit about the marketing stuff that we were talking about. Because one of the things that you just shared there is when you share like the behind the scenes, like what's going on with you, think about like how that makes you feel when the other person does give you advice. It's because they're taking all into consideration of what you just told them through that advice. Whether or not they decide to go down that path of advice or not, but after you say it, you're like, oh, they must have interpreted that and made a decision rather than just coming at it from like, hey, this is what I think you need to do, right? So we have connected with a a new marketer. Um, her name is Catherine. She's not new. She's been doing this for a very long time, right? She does this for coaches. And so one of the things that uh that we did is we got on a call with her. And I have been approached by a lot of marketers. Everybody knows how to do YouTube and everybody knows how to do SEO and keywords and like you got to change this and all this kind of stuff. But the thing is, is like when people approach with that, they're trying to sell their stuff. They're not actually like wanting to slow down and figure out what's going on with us first. And that's what she did. She's like, hey, let's jump on. I want to go through your funnel. I want to watch your trainings. I want to go through like your workshop. I want to be able to see your testimonials. And she like literally looked at all that, spent an hour with us, asking questions, getting curious, being like, Oh, well, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with that? Can I see some of the transformations that people have had? Right. And so when she has gone through all of that, I think about like what it feels like to get a response back from her. Here's where you have the greatest opportunity to move. And she hasn't returned with that. It's kind of like an audit that she's going to do for us and some recommendations. But I am so pumped to be able to see it. You know why? Because she slowed down to ask us questions to find out where we are, what results we help people with, pulled out some of the transformations, which by the way, I need to review those more often, like the transformation and testimonials that we have had, because like I was reviewing them when I was sending them to her. I'm like, why am I not looking at these more often? The lives that we have changed because of the ability of teaching people this skill and then holding them to it, getting them to practice. But like even doing that was a great experience for me. Being able to share all that stuff with her, whatever she comes back with, I gotta tell you, I'm like so much more moved to take action on it rather than the 3,000 other emails that people have told me what I need to do and how I need to improve and things like that. It's like you don't even know what's going on behind the scenes. You don't even have any idea about what my goals are and like what would it look like if people were approaching people that way, right? Because this isn't just about leading and coaching clients or your team. This is like with everybody. Like, how many people out there could you help if you just led with what it is they want, right? What it is that they're working on, and maybe some of the things that they're going through right now that they could use some help with, as opposed to, hey, I think this is your problem and these are the three things that you need to do to fix it, and I can do that for you. Maybe that marketing worked back in the day. Definitely doesn't work now, and it doesn't work with real humans. If you're in a room with somebody and you're like, hey, I meant to tell you your makeup looks terrible and you need to fix it. And I have a great solution because I have this new lip liner. Like, I don't know. What are you trying to say? Not you. You're you are incredibly beautiful no matter what. But like it'd be silly to say that, but yet I see people doing that all of the time. And most of the time they're like sending me those messages behind the scenes, but still it's like, man, that's painful. Okay.

The One More Question Stretch

SPEAKER_02 30:15

Here's the thing. I want um people to stretch a little bit today. So let's walk them through this process that we want them to take because we want them to take action on something. And we're gonna call this the stretch for this week.

SPEAKER_01 30:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 30:26

Go for it.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

So this is what we want you to do this week. The next time somebody brings you something, don't answer it. Ask one more question. And then count how long you can go before you start blabbing and have them the answers. Most people can't go past like two questions, right? I think that's been our experience. And then notice when you can't stop yourself. You just spotted something you've probably been doing for like decades.

SPEAKER_02 30:55

Decades, decades, decades, right? Because like that's just the normal pattern and path that we go down. So I really do want to hear from people. Do that this week. Don't jump in and start fixing things. Start asking one or two questions and see where you get the tug of like, I can't hold myself back. Because guess what? That is not about them. That is about you. That is about you being able to lead yourself when it matters most. And really, like when we think about like even everything that we talked about today, I want to make sure that I point this out. The people that you're leading, they have this tendency to talk themselves out of things. But you also have that tendency when you talk yourself out of asking questions and start talking yourself into mentoring or doing the things that you've done in the past. It's an automatic thing. That's the way their and your brain works. You've got to become aware of it. You got to be able to figure it out because, as a matter of fact, it is your job and responsibility to catch it not only in them, but in yourself. That's why they pay you the big bucks. That's why you're the leader. That's why you go first, you go often. Because you have to be willing to do this, not just for others, but for yourself as well. And what that takes is getting in the reps, learning a skill, and actually implementing it. And that's what we put together for the self-leadership

Workshop And Self-Leadership Lab Invite

SPEAKER_02 32:15

lab. Now I know we talked a little bit about this. I'm going to share a little bit about a workshop that we have coming up. If you want to be able to experience this, we have opened up the group and we're capping it at 15 people this round, which means after we hit 15, we won't be accepting anybody else. We're keeping this round very, very small and intimate so that everybody can get the self-leadership that they really need in their lives. Because you need people to be able to spot it and then give you a skill. We actually teach six different skills to be able to really focus on the things you can control so you can show up as the leader that you want to, not just when things are going well, but when things are not, when things are not going as planned, when things are falling through, when situations are coming up in your life, that's when you need to really have that level of leadership. And that's what we want to teach you in the self-leadership lab. Now, just to give you an idea, the program is 60 days. It's actually 63 days. It is nine weeks. There's nine live calls with me and Teresa. We've also incorporated a workbook, a daily practice, people to check in with, actually being on call so we can spot this with you. If you can't make the live calls, all of the replays are things you're going to be able to pull from and still grow through. So we want to make sure that you avoid talking yourself out of doing something that would help you. If you can't make live calls, please get good at being able to spot these kinds of things where you talk yourself out of things. If you feel like this is the thing that's going to move the needle for you the most, talk yourself into it, not out of it. If this isn't for you, totally peace out. Just keep listening to the podcast, right? But if you're getting the tug, this is step number one. Talk yourself into doing the things that's going to change your life forever. This program starts on Monday, November 2nd. We're capping it at a 15. If you go to modernleadership.us forward slash lab, L-A-B, so modernleadership.us slash lab, we'll leave it in the show notes. You'll learn all of the details and you'll learn how to secure a spot. And if you're free on Monday, October 19th at 4 p.m. Pacific time and you'd like to see what it's going to be like to be in the room, go to modernleadership.us forward slash workshop. That's a free workshop that will allow you to see one of the different six skills that we actually implement inside of the self-leadership lab, which is where we help you become really effective at leading yourself. So I know some of you guys know that we have our self-leadership lab, which is really about you leading yourself. And then we have our high impact master academy, which is you leading others. So if you're in that space where you have to learn how to lead yourself first, this is where you're at. And even if you want to get into HIMA, like sometime in the future, you have to be good first at leading yourself or that other stuff is not gonna work. It's not gonna work when you're trying to lead others if you're not good at leading yourself. And so if you're interested in that, jump it into the workshop, go to modernleadership.us forward slash workshop. We're gonna guide you through one of the things that we're going to teach inside of the program, but we want you to get a feel for what it's like to be in this room and to get these kind of things spotted. So if you're somebody who you're already performing and you want to perform at the next level, we want you in the room. So we want to invite you to this. If you have any questions or anything that comes up for you, hit us up, send us a message, let us know. Like I said, we're capping this at 15. As of this morning, I think we're gonna have six people that have told me that they're gonna be grabbing their spot this week. So jump in, grab the spot. If it's something that you're really desiring of not just being good at, but being great at being able to lead yourself, we're gonna be able to help you get there in two months. All right. All right, guys. Thank you for what you do out there every single day. Thank you for listening to another intense episode. I've been drinking a lot of pre-workout, if you can't tell. But this whole idea of like self-leadership, man, has just been really on my heart recently. And I've been on so many different podcasts and so many different shows, being able to share these stories that we've been able to like navigate through. But then also like hearing the hosts, they actually reach out to me and say, I really want to get better at being able to lead myself. Just thinking about like what this is gonna do for people's life just gets me really, really excited. So I can't wait for that to happen. So, all right, guys, have an amazing, incredible week. And we will see you very, very soon. Um, above all, keep leading for the front. Bye, everybody.