The Thing You Hide Might Be What Helps Others Most

Numb Face Opener And Real Talk

SPEAKER_01 0:00

What is going on, my people? Why are you looking at me like that? All right, full transparency. I spent two and a half hours at the dentist, and I'm gonna try and communicate when I can't feel my nose or the side of my face. And Teresa is gonna avoid like laughing herself to death.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Yeah, it sounds funny.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

But it's okay. It's okay.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Glad you got your tooth fixed.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Because today me too. Me too. Because today we're talking about something really funny. Actually, it's not funny at all. But we want to share something with you guys today in terms of like the reason why we still decided that it would be a good idea to record a podcast when I've got the laughing funny gas on. And it's because

Stop Discounting What Makes You Powerful

SPEAKER_01 0:44

of this. The name of this podcast is Don't Discount What Actually Makes You Powerful. And here's a reason why. I have we have a lot of times where people come to us and they're going through something. They're uh maybe processing things, maybe they have a hard situation that is like been presented. Maybe they're going through some stuff with their family or health or or whatever. And when we are having this conversation, they discount themselves because they feel like they need to be further along. They need to have this figured out. And then once they actually do have all of those things in place, then they're going to be the type of person that actually can help other people through this. But I want to take a little bit of a different spin today because a lot of times when people bring us that, they actually leave going, oh my gosh, I was using this thing that is the thing that most people would connect with me on and see that I'm the perfect person. I was actually using it to like convince me not to do this thing. When in fact, that was the thing that if they leaned into would help them out the most. Because there's this like idea. And that is the ones who remember what it felt like are the ones who can make the biggest impact, right? To be honest, like when I think about like the 100-pound weight loss, it's been over 13 years now. I honestly can't remember what it was like 13 years and 100 pounds heavier. I know that I didn't have the energy, but like versus somebody who's done it more recent or going through it right now, those are a lot of times the perfect people to be able to guide people through. And so that's what I want to talk about today. Like why we go down that space. But also like some some of the some of the things that you might be using against yourself right now that actually could be the momentum builder that creates whether it's the business or the income or the impact that you really want to make, but you're actually making it be your weakness instead of your superpower. So you ready to do that with me?

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Yeah, let's go.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Let's try and do that today. All right. So welcome to Modern Leadership Coaching. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

And this is where we help you go to the dentist very well. And lead yourself well too. All right, so let's dive in. I know we have some questions that we want to dive dive into, but we I really want people to think about this through the lens of maybe some of the stories and some of the answers that we share here, but also through their own personal experience. Because I I think the biggest thing is when you can see something that you thought was either to be shameful of or uh maybe it was giving you guilt to like try and help people through this, whatever it is. But the fact that you're going through it actually makes you the perfect person to be able to help somebody else through it. I want you to see that today.

Why Your Brain Tries To Keep You Safe

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah. So where do you think that belief comes from that you have to have it all together before you can help somebody?

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Yeah. So, so obviously it comes from your belief system, but also it's because your brain is trying to keep you safe, right? So there's many different ways that our brain tries to keep us safe. When we get more self-aware, what it tries to do is it tries to use things that maybe you're going through or situations or I don't know how you've responded in the past. And it tries to sell you on the idea of I need to do whatever I can to keep this person safe. And what that means is don't go out, don't tell people that you can help them, don't offer to do anything outside of your comfort zone because that will be unsafe. And so when we think about like a lot of these beliefs, they're either just habits and patterns from the past, but a lot of times they're rooted in keeping you safe, keeping you protected, right? And so one of those things is if you believe that you shouldn't be going through this and helping somebody else through it, you can play small. You can just keep focusing on things that are not outside of yourself, right? We won't go on and ask people if they want our help. But the way I like to like even like reframe this, because I don't want to wait until the end to reframe it, is how many times have you been going through something? And then because you reach out and help somebody else going through it, it actually helps you get through it even more powerfully. And you're giving that up. You're not only giving up your growth, but you're giving up somebody else's growth based off of your brain's trying to keep you safe. And it's supposed to do that, but we have to become aware of it. This is kind of like what we were talking about on that workshop that we did two weeks ago, right? Um, and by the way, today the self-leadership lab starts. Yes, at least when this podcast comes out. I cannot wait. Cannot wait to help people rewrite that stuff. But when you start seeing this, you start being able to take control of it and you start um putting your hands on the wheel as opposed to fear and all those things your brain tries to convince you of. You start to realize, like, oh, you're just trying to sell me on this to keep me safe. Let me find a different way of framing this. And when I frame this differently, it creates a different energy in my body, and I get out and I take massive action towards what I really want. And that's like uh that's kind of like the path to to travel, as opposed to going down the same one over and over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah, I think there's a benefit to sharing the messy middle before you try and get through it all and then kind of give people the polished version of that because you'll miss a lot of things along the way. Um, you'll forget some things that you actually went through that can actually help other people. So don't be afraid to sh to share that, to share the the lows, but also the highs, because you're gonna have highs in in there too, in the middle. And I think I think it is super powerful. And yeah, trying to kind of discount what you're going through or what you're good at, yeah. You know, is is something that a lot of us do, and like you said, because it there's there's fear there.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Yeah, yeah. One thing that does come up as you say that is the whole idea of like thinking you have to share it all. You do not have to share it all. Like that is not what I'm saying here. I'm not saying air your dirty laundry on social media. I'm saying like sharing pieces of the story that will help inspire people, that will help motivate them, get them to take actions, be able to see that you are a human and you go through your own stuff is like really, really

Sharing Your Story Without Oversharing

SPEAKER_01 6:30

important. On a slightly different topic, one that I think is related to this. So my coach is talking a little bit about the difference between somebody who is like an influencer on social media who's focused on whether it's entertainment or excitement, those kind of things, versus somebody who's a coach, which who's somebody who's living in transformation, like a leader, also, uh somebody who is like talking about transformation. And that does not necessarily mean like to do things for the purpose of getting attention. So, like as a coach or as a leader, one of the things you might notice is that your um the algorithm doesn't necessarily play to you, right? Because you are in the transformation game. You're not in a let me get as many views as I possibly can and do the weirdest, craziest thing, right? And it doesn't mean that that like that's bad or whatnot, but you don't want to be playing the influencer game if you're a coach, because it's a different, you're attracting a different level of person who wants to be entertained. And of course, if you're using your story to entertain or to just get more eyeballs on your stuff, that doesn't really feel good to me. But if you're doing it in a way where you want to be able to help guide people through it, help them see that you're human, help see how to actually show up in a situation like that as your best self, that's what that transformation looks like. But it won't get three million likes and views and shares and all that kind of stuff. It's not supposed to, because that is a that's transformation, which is what coaches and leaders do, versus like being an influencer, which is just creating entertainment, uh, that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

I don't know. I have a slightly different opinion about because I think that I I don't think being an influencer is just about entertainment or rage bait or things like that, or you're trying to sell somebody something. I think what it is, and some people that are sharing maybe their story or what they're going through are influencers, but in a way that um shows their personality. So some people are, you know, genuinely funny. And that's how they they well, that's how they're coping sometimes, but also how they're sharing their story. Yeah. And I think that, you know, it can look like, oh, they're just simply, you know, being entertainers or whatever, but I think that it's their way of sharing their story. Yeah. So I I'm not saying like it always has to be like that, but I think for some people, that is the way that they can connect with people and and create a community. Because, you know, being a coach and or being an influence or being a a leader and you know, things like that, or a uh, you know, transformational coach, that it has to be serious. It doesn't always have to be serious. And I think that because we're in like social media and because there is a way that you can attract attention doesn't necessarily mean that you're just trying to attract attention just to attract attention. You know, you're also just trying to put the word out there, and I think that like we can kind of get into like the whole social media game. But I but I feel like you know, if you're going to share your story, share it in your own unique way. And that could be that you share it with uh, you know, entertainment or with with laughs and things like that, because sometimes that's how people get through really hard stuff.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Yeah, yeah, indeed. Indeed, indeed, indeed. So, so just the whole idea of what we're talking about today in terms of using some of the things that maybe a lot of people think is their weakness and being able to flip it as their superpower.

The Value Of A Spotter And Coaching

SPEAKER_01 9:57

What do you think that does when somebody can come into a conversation, have somebody spot that, and then leave actually realizing this thing that they felt was holding them back was the thing that's gonna be like the catalyst to like propel them forward.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

I think it it goes back to kind of like that messy middle, you know, where you feel like you can only be helpful if you have it figured out. Yeah. If you're like, oh, I've I've gone past that. Now this is the new version of me and this is the one that's gonna help you. But in reality, like the one that can help another person is the the person that maybe feels stuck right now, the person that feels like they're they're broken or something is missing. And as you're trying to figure that out for yourself, I feel like sharing that with someone else can help them too. Because they will feel human, they will feel like it's normal rather than feeling like they're the only ones that are going through something like that. So when you spot that out or when you when you highlight that in someone, when you're coaching them, that gives them like there's a weight lifted off of their shoulders because they don't feel the pressure of you know speed running to like their their quote unquote new version to be able to help someone. They could do it as they're trying to process it all.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Yeah, the the thing that comes up for me related to that is uh because I've had this done to me a lot of times, right? That's why we have coaches ourselves, is like you said, the piece, but also it creates so many different ideas inside of me that it just excites me when I have this. I mean, I like to think of it as like there's a boulder in front of me. And I feel like there's the only one way to get through the boulder, and it's to get through it, but you can't get through it. And then when somebody opens it up, somebody asks me a question or just offers a different perspective, there's a million different paths now. And it excites me, it gets me fired up. It allows me to be able to lean into my energy to help more people, to make more impact and just to grow. But like that would have never happened if I had not been able to get that new perspective. So thinking about like the whole idea of like that new perspective, a lot of people try to do this on their own. They try to be the spotter for their perspectives that are keeping them stuck. So, what would you say to somebody who is in that space where they've also convinced themselves or they're telling themselves a story that they have to do it on their own? And what would you tell somebody?

SPEAKER_00 12:29

That is it's almost impossible to try to find your blind spots. Because like you said, you know, the blind spots are called blind spots because you can't see them. And it it takes someone on the outside to have kind of like a bird's eye view of what's going on. And of course, you have to be willing to share what is happening. But I think that trying to do it by yourself is gonna take you so much longer and and could even take you on a path that you don't want to go. So I feel like having someone to be able to spot those things, like, hey, you know, I see this. Have you considered this? Right. And it's like, oh wow, I didn't even know that I was doing that or saying that, right? Because I think that like one of the like really key moments when I see somebody being coached or I'm coaching someone is when they are presented with information that they wouldn't have been able to find on their own. And when that happens, it like shocks people. It's like wow, I didn't even realize I said that. I didn't realize I was thinking that way or my perspective. It it just shines light and not in a a judgmental way. It's just like a very gentle, like, hey, you know, I notice you keep repeating this. Do you see that? Do you notice that? And they're like, wow, like, no, I didn't, or yeah, I did, but I was like trying to ignore it, right? So it's super powerful to have someone else be able to spot those things for you.

Real Examples From Health To Business

SPEAKER_01 14:07

Well, what do you think about if I share a couple of like mine personally in terms of some of the roadblocks and some things that kind of came up for me? Okay, so um, I know we have like a lot of people have been listening to the podcast for a while. And I've been on a lot of podcasts recently. You probably have seen it like on my social media, and I've been telling like a lot of our story in terms of of how self-leadership really changed the game for us. And a lot of times when I'm talking to them, I make sure that they understand that self-leadership does not mean isolation. It means getting somebody to spot it and then having the skills and the frameworks and the self-awareness to be able to see it, take that, process it, and then come back to continue to like level that up. And so there's many areas that I could share here that would be an example of this. Let me just give you some very basic ones and then maybe a couple of advanced ones. First one, health related to like health, right? So I had a lot of perspectives around I don't have the time, I don't have the money, and um, I don't have the energy. Those were my three big ones. And then the fourth one was like I'm big boned. That was kind of like the one that was like trapping me in, oh, this is this doesn't matter anyway, because even if I do those other things, even if I find the money and find the time and find the energy, I'm just gonna be stuck at that way, right? And all of those things were all things that were false. They were not true. Like I actually, when I worked out, I created more time. When I worked out, I actually created more money. Believe it or not, we made a ton of money from my health and fitness, right? It's like you would never see that. It's the intangible things. Oh, when you lose 100 pounds, guess what happens? People want to know what you did and they will willingly pay you so they can navigate that, right? So it increased that. But but it gave me more energy than ever. It didn't make sense to me. Like, how could exercising give me more energy? Like, literally, I've slept like four hours last night when I was uh working LEPD and had all that overtime, right? It did. I didn't realize it, right? Same with time. If I was more clear because I worked out, I got more stuff done than I had ever been able to do. So these are all different things. Like I couldn't spot on my own. Like I was literally telling myself, and it seems basic, but those were the things that like when I spotted them, they I started to move. I started to take action, right? Related to like uh relationships or a relationship with you and the kids, right? I had this realization that I could at work be in the most crazy, intense situations ever, and I could totally keep my cool. And I couldn't do that when I was at home. And so for me, it was getting people from the dad edge to be able to spot it, to be able to show me that mirror and be able to see, like, hey, if you can do it over there, you can do it over here. So stop being a and and do it over here too. And and it will, it took that spotting for them to be able to show it to me for me able to be able to control that, like have it much more in control, right? Even with business. Business, you know, when we first got presented with me joining a certification to understand what it is that we do now, right? It was $18,000. And we didn't have the money, like we were paycheck to paycheck at that time, right? There's no way they would be able to do that. And so I didn't have the money, I don't have the time. And so two years went by, and then I decided, you know what? Like I've been spending money on personal growth and personal development because it's not like I wasn't spending, but like this is the pinnacle for me, is like being able to learn how to coach is going to help people a lot more than what I was doing, which is health and fitness coaching, because I'm gonna understand what's actually causing people to be stuck as opposed to just giving them my plan. And so it was like, well, I guess I'm gonna spend this 18,000. So I think we put it on our credit card at the time. Like that's all we had, right? Um and after 42 days, I paid that $18,000 back. And now, since then, like we've made, I mean, we've made over a million dollars in our business for sure. But like that would have not happened if we had not like gotten in and being willing to do that. But I couldn't see that. All I could see was like, I don't have the time, I don't have the money. This just isn't for me. Like maybe next time. And I did that for two years straight, right? Third year came. Guess what? Nothing was different. Nothing had gotten better, nothing had magically like appeared, right? And so it was in those moments that somebody had to come and talk to me and have a conversation about it, going, hey, you said this like every single year. Like, like, what's going on? Like, let's actually have a conversation around this. And it helped to bridge the gap and it got me to to sign up with for it. Um, I actually remember the guy who um actually helped spot this for me. I'm somebody that I still talk to to today. And he he ended up wanting to um, I mean, he he was the one who who spotted this for me. He wanted me to go a different route of a certification that was cheaper. And I was like, I want to actually feel like I've got, I don't want to say the best, but I want to feel like I the certification that I did, not cut corners because of the price. I wanted to make sure that if I want to be the best coach in the world, they have the best training in the world, and this is one that I'm choosing to do. So I actually paid three times as much because the one that he um he was certified with was less, but he did help me spot like the thing that was actually getting in my way, which was myself, right? And when I got out of the way in these three things, it didn't mean that I didn't get in my way for the next thing that happened. Because, like you said, it's a blind spot for a reason. Like it's there, you can't see it, but you need somebody who's willing to like spot it for you, which generally is not just like our friends or people that were around or coworkers or our family.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

I was gonna ask too, because you know, you you also have to consider who's spotting that for you.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Yeah, all of all of mine were specialists. One was a fitness coach, the other one was a coach for becoming a better father and a better husband. The other one is a leadership and sales coach. And so, like all of these different people were people who are had experienced a lot of things themselves, had experienced a lot of pain, have gone through some of those things, and they were on the other side of it, right? Which is literally what we're talking about today. There are people who were struggling with that thing, and yet they were able to spot something in me because they struggled with it. If they hadn't struggled with it, maybe they wouldn't have been able to spot it in me, right? And I know they're like, there's this adage of like, when you understand how to really fundamentally coach, you can coach somebody through anything. And that is true, but it's a lot different when somebody else has gone through it. When they've gone through it, it just gives them like a upper hand, right? It's the difference between me trying to coach somebody through childbirth versus you. Like you have legit actual, like this happened to me twice and you still beam the I can't believe you did this to me uh smile to me. But it's like it's just different. It would be different. And could I coach somebody through it? Absolutely. But there's a different feeling when you've actually had a baby in your stomach versus somebody who's been with somebody who has, right? So it's it's not saying that like because you haven't been able to go through something, you're not able to help. You can, but there's a different level when it comes to like people who've gone before you. And here's one thing that I want to call out too. In the beginning, like my coaches, like they were less of an investment. And then as I kept going up to where we are now, like the investment is like much more. And the reason why is because we're we're not just paying for that coach to teach us something for them to spot. We're paying for all of the growth, all of the pain, everything that they've been through that they now get to give to us so that we don't have to go through it ourselves. See, even that reframe is different. It's like I want the coach that is like gone through the most, who's overcome the most, who is like a few steps ahead of me, so they can actually help guide me through the process. And I know it's different because like I'm at a different space right now, but I don't necessarily worry about the pricing of things anymore. I'm like, okay, is this something that's gonna help me? I'm gonna find a way of doing it. And that's like literally, I think the roadmap that has helped me to get to where I am today. And and don't take that as buy everything, because that is not the truth. I don't want you to go out and just buy every random possible thing that people are selling. I want you to think about like, what is it that I actually need in this moment? Who's a few steps ahead of me? That's the person that I wanna be able to follow. And that's the person I'm gonna lean into. But I don't have to wait until everything's perfect. I can do it right now because, as a matter of fact, because I'm going through this makes me the perfect person to go through it, to learn it, to come out on the other end, and then to help so many other people through it. Because if you just do it when things are easy, first off, you're never going to do it. Second off, when you do it, it's going to feel like just normal for you. You're not going to be able to inspire as many people as you would if you had done it when things were hard.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Everything you said, I think, is is spot on.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Why don't we give people the stretch here? Like what we wanted them to do with this episode. And I know we kind of like went a little bit all over the place on this one. We did. We did we went a little uh off uh off to the side, but I think it was important to kind of like just share like what's coming up for us. Because honestly, like when when people are listening to this, generally the people who uh most connect with us, they want to get to a certain point where they run a business like we do. They're able to like leave their full-time jobs, they're able to inspire and make an impact and all this kind of stuff. So I feel like we are a few steps ahead of a lot of the people who listen. And so we want to be able to share that roadmap. And the roadmap might not without its bumps. It's not, it's not a straight line, right? And it's also like not one of those that we're like actually telling you what to do, right? But it can be uncomfortable because we're telling you really to step it up, to really take of what you're looking at right now and stop looking at it as something that's holding you back. It's actually something that can propel you forward if you're willing to see it that way.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

Yeah, absolutely.

The Weekly Stretch And Readiness Myth

SPEAKER_00 23:19

So, this is what we want you to do this week. So think of a person who helped you the most with something really hard. Now ask yourself what shape they were in at that time. Most people, when they actually look at it, find out that the person was in the middle of their own thing. They weren't finished, they weren't an expert, they were just a few steps ahead and they remembered the ground you were standing on. That's what you already are to somebody.

SPEAKER_01 23:45

Awesome, awesome. Okay, so here's the thing, and uh, I want to wrap this up. If you are in a point right now where you're waiting to be ready, I just want to make sure you know this, that nobody is going to come to you and tell you that you're qualified, that it's time to go, that you're ready. That is an inside job, something that I want you to take full control over today. Because if you're waiting for that cavalry, I think Gary John Bishop said this, you are the Calvary. You are the one who's coming because there's so many people out there that are waiting. They're waiting for the perfect moment, they're waiting to feel ready, they're waiting for all the stars to align and they will wait forever. You have to go first, go often, and go with purpose and just take action. When you take that level of action, everybody else will see you modeling the behavior, not just when things are easy, but when things are hard. Because let me tell you this: if you are a leader and a coach and you are waiting for things to be easy for you to take action, you are indirectly teaching everybody else who's following you to wait until life is perfect before they do that thing. Before they do the thing that would literally help them, that would change their life forever. They're gonna wait until everything is all hunky dory first. And you know that if you were having a conversation with them, you would tell them to do the opposite. This is self-leadership. It's time to start telling yourself to do that too.

Closing Thoughts On Leading Anyway

SPEAKER_01 25:07

All right, guys. Thank you guys very much for tuning in. I was able to make it through without slobbering all over the place.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

Oh, I didn't tell you. You were like drooling. That's okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

But, guys, thank you for what you do out there every single day. Remember, self leadership is not for the easy times. It's for the hard times. It's when you show up anyway, it's when you take the action and you earn the right to lead others because that's what it's all about. All right, everybody. Have a great week, everybody. And above all, keep leading from the front. Bye, everybody.