The Thing You Keep Talking Yourself Out Of

Why You Talk Yourself Out

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What is going on, my people? And I said it right today with my accent. Hey everybody, what's going on? We are pumped to talk about the thing you keep talking yourself out of. Why? And Teresa's putting her hand on her head like, why are you the way that you are? Can you be you just better? I remember.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

You said that. I never said that.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

I know, but you thought it. There's a come on.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Know what I'm thinking.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

I think I know.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

No, you don't.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

You're right, I don't. You did not even knew you know what you're thinking, right? All right. And that's what we're talking about today, guys. That is what we're talking about. So here's the thing: like, there's a lot of things that we do out here. And um, I want to make sure that you understand. First off, people are not avoiding work. You're not avoiding the work. But what happens is, is our brain does a great job of mislabeling things. There's things that you're presented that would be something that would help you out tremendously. And there are things that your brain would actually take as a distraction that would get you to go down the wrong direction and it would take from you. And what we want to talk about today is how sometimes, because we're talking a lot about self-leadership, right? How sometimes the brain can confuse these,

Fitness And The Energy Lie

SPEAKER_00 1:14

right? Perfect example is health and fitness. Okay. This is very easy to see it this way if you're somebody who's into health and fitness. But today we want to take it deeper than that. Health and fitness, for example, my brain used to convince me all of the time that it was taking time and energy from me. Specifically energy. It'd be like, you're too tired. You need to get more sleep. And what was actually happening is my brain was sorting that if I exercised, it was going to take energy from me. And that was never the truth. Every time that I got myself to exercise, I would have more energy. I would find more time because I would be able to be more productive than I had ever been. And that was the way that my brain was just trying to trick me and going, you know what? Exercising equals less energy. And it's the exact opposite, which is probably why you're looking at me right now, because I have a lot of energy because I've been exercising today, right? So, like when I think about these things, these are the misdirections that our brain gives us that we 100% believe, and because we believe them, they actually prevent us from growing, from being healthy in this example, from growing your business, from leading from the front, from from developing the relationships that you want with your kids. And it's because your brain is tricky AF. And we want to get in there and help you today.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

All right. So welcome to Modern Leadership Coaching. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

And this is where we help teach you how to lead yourself effectively. Because that's what it's really all about. Are you okay today? I am not. I had like some extra pre-workout right now. How much did you put in there? This is like a quadruple scoop of whatever it is, but I'm game because I'm gonna be honest, like this conversation, these are the ones that I love having. The reason why, because number one is I know that they can feel a little painful when you hear them, especially when you think through the lens of like your past. But what happens is when you start seeing this stuff in the present and when it happens in the future, you start being able to rewrite your story. You get to get in there and make the changes that you want to make. You get to see and experience the results that you want to experience. And it's from these things, it's from the times when your brain has convinced you over and over and over for me, 48 years, and then all of a sudden you have a breakthrough, and now this can never hold you back again. I love talking about that. I especially love talking about the things that people don't even know that's happening under the surface. Cause when you open that, it just completely unlocks stuff.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Yeah. So what's something that you were absolutely certain would take from you, but it actually gave back to you.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

So I know we were talking about this before we hit record. And what you had told me was that this is something that we early on had to navigate a lot, especially when it comes to business, but that we see it in a different way right now. And when you said that to me, that was kind of like, I just I hadn't really thought about that before recording this episode. But you're right. When I see the difference between where we are now versus

Trading Time For Money Trap

SPEAKER_00 4:08

where we are before, this I think is like one of the main contributing factors. So when I was working as a police officer, I had a people call it a W-2 mindset, or people have term it as like a trade time for money mindset. And I didn't realize that that's not the same mindset that you need to have as an entrepreneur, as a coach, and especially as a leader, thinking that it's just a quantity game and it's not a quality game at that point, right? And so one of the things was I would talk myself out of paying for training, paying for courses, doing those kind of things. Like really the things that we teach right now, right? It's like I would convince myself, why would I want to pay for this? Or this is just gonna take my time. This is gonna be something else for me to do. And it was this constant feel of if I didn't know immediately it was gonna make me that money back times 10, then it wasn't gonna be worth it. And so I would talk myself out of a lot of things. I know we talked about this early on, is like, so when I decided to become a coach, right? Um, there were two years in a row that I was dead set that I was gonna do something, but then I would talk myself out of it at the last minute. It was like, I just don't have the time right now. Police work's too busy, I got too many things going on at home. I want to become a better father, better husband first. Like all of these things, reality, when I look underneath it, it was like, well, if I do this, part of it could be like, hey, it's me selfish, like paying this money, because it was astronomical in terms of the money that we were spending at the moment. I mean, it was way more than we were making, like for the whole entire year in that specific time, right? But being able to see that I didn't realize that in reality, that was the thing that was going to help me break through. Exercise, same thing, right? The the convincing yourself not to exercise when in fact, if you want to be healthy, that's the thing that will break you through the exercise and the energy, right? To have more energy than you ever have. It's the same thing as with that, right? Being able to be taught how to lead, how to grow a business, how to, for me, self-leadership, being able to lead myself through anything. That was the thing that I needed to be able to get me through it. But in reality, I was convincing myself I didn't have those things. And first I needed to have them. And once I did, then I can take that next step. And we're not just talking business here either, too. I want to make sure like people don't think this is like a sales call. This is every area of your life. You convince yourself, you're dead set that this is gonna take from me. When in fact, that thing, it may take from you in the beginning, but it's gonna give you back so much exponentially. Now, this isn't everything, by the way, either. I'm not saying you should just go forward and move forward and do everything, but I am saying challenge your beliefs. Cause if not, you're gonna keep ending up in the same spot, in the same over and over and over again, wondering why nothing's changing. And it's because you're believing that story over and over and over again and you're really stuck in it. When in fact, that's the thing that would help you break through.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

How do you think we start to realize which is which? Like which are things that we know are maybe we'll have an upfront cost right now, but in the future will pay us back more. Like, how did you start to determine that was the case?

Questions That Reveal The Truth

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah, so I would challenge it by asking myself questions, right? So some of the questions I would ask myself is like, if I were to fully go into this a year from now, where would I be? Not just to like dip my toe in, but I fully went in 100%, where would I be a year from now? Then I would ask myself, if I didn't do this, where would I be a year from now? And so I'm asking myself questions that are challenging that belief. It is like, I want to see in my brain where I think I would be. And when I look at those two differences, now I have more of a different perspective. If I just immediately go back to don't have the time, don't have the money, don't have the this, like I'm not challenging that. I'm literally just going with whatever my brain is telling me or convincing me in the moment. That's self-sabotage. It's like you have to be willing to have that conversation. And sometimes I'm like, no, I don't think this would do it. But more often than not, I'm like, well, there's a reason why this thing is like uh something I've been thinking about, or taking this action has been something that I've been thinking over and over and over about, reaching out to this person or whatever. There's a reason why it keeps coming up. It's not just a random like sales message or the first time that I see something. It's come up over and over and over again. So this is like for me a sign to examine it. Maybe not a sign to do it, but a sign to examine it. And so I'm willing to examine it. And I'm going down both the quote unquote positive and the negative and all of the past in the middle, right? The pros, the cons, like having conversations with people who have done it, who haven't done it. And I'm really analyzing that and then making the decision based off of that, um, as opposed to just immediately what I feel in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Yeah. And I think there's also this fear of the unknown because you don't know if it's actually gonna turn out. And that and that's the thing with this, is it's there's risk, you know, in in anything really. But like in business, like there is gonna be a cost to things that you're not going to see the the payback right away, or you may not see it directly in whatever it is that you're doing. So there is this this factor of taking a risk, and that is scary for people. Yeah, not everybody is going to want to do that, whether it's because they they think it is selfish, or you know, I mean, it's just scary just to take the the

Own The ROI And Extract Gold

SPEAKER_01 9:15

risk, right? They're risk averse.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

So yeah, no, I something you uh said brought up something for me that I want to make sure that people do and really think after they make a decision to like do something in this respect. Okay. So you know how we talk about like confidence versus self-confidence, right? This is a little different. This is called return on investment. Okay, getting your return on investment. So I want you to think about the things that you have like leaned into, the things that were like amazing, like everything that the person asked you, like they delivered, and the things that weren't so great. I want you to think about like the situations where you had great leaders and you had bad leaders. Every single one of those you get the opportunity to learn from. If you are literally owning the outcome of that thing, you're owning that you're gonna get a return on investment. Every single thing that I have paid for, every single thing I have learned and grew through. And it could have been that the program sucked and the person who did it wasn't really like at my level in terms of like what I needed to like learn from them, but every single thing I've grown from. So here's the thing: you decide to do this. One thing you have to avoid is connecting the dots with the other person, has to be that person to give you that return on investment. No, you need to take ownership of it. Whatever it is you do, you have to say, I'm going to get the most return from this possible. Whether or not I get the quote unquote results in the immediate like future or in down the line is irrelevant. It is I'm going to extract the as much value as I possibly can. This is one thing that I found out that I really love about our clients, the people that we attract into our stuff, is that when they approach things from the perspective of like, I'm going to get stuff out of this, I'm going to learn and I'm going to grow through it. They get to pull out the universal principles from the things that we're teaching instead of them depending on us to get this for them. Like, that's not our goal. Our goal is not to create people who just need to follow us for the rest of their life to get things. We want to develop people so they can go out and lead themselves and others so they can be able to achieve it, right? And so when you think about like approaching something this like this, and you're like, you know what? Like, I'm going to pull out the universal principles. I'm going to pull out what I need in this moment. There is really nothing that you can pay for or take it to the next step and not gain from. I swear, like I got the most training on how to teach and train police officer ones from the worst P3s that I ever worked with. They sucked. They treated you like you weren't a human. And I learned exactly what I was not going to do. And it helped me lean into the things that I was going to do. And so when you think about that stuff, I don't want to just randomly like join things or do do anything, but I want you to extract the gold out of everything you do. If you're going to go through that experience, you might as well go all in. So if you approach something and you're like, I'm really going all in with this, whether it's a job, something you're doing in your career or your business or whatever, you have to really take that mindset and move forward with it. You cannot depend on other people to be able to do that. So I just want to share that with you because I see a lot of people who do that, right? Or here's another example of this. Like you go into a room, right? Like so when we were doing beach body stuff, right? A lot of like stay-at-home moms were doing some of that stuff. I was in rooms where I was the only guy, like in that whole place, right? And they would talk about finding like the mom cracks in their schedule and all of these kind of things. I gained so much from that room. You know why? Because it didn't have to be in my language. It didn't have to be in like, oh, well, this doesn't apply to me because I'm not a mom. I'm like, how do I pull as much as I possibly can from this room because these universal principles are going to matter. It doesn't matter what my sex is, what my age is. Like, I'm going to pull it out. And that's the difference when you start thinking about these things that are under the surface. You go into a scenario and you're like, well, that doesn't apply to me because I don't have kids, or I don't have pets. So that doesn't apply to me. You are missing, you are missing the actual ingredients you need to grab onto. They're there the whole time and you didn't see them. So that's what I mean is like when you, when things are happening and you don't even realize that these are the things that are running the show. That's why we wanted to make sure we do this episode. And if you can't hear, I'm like really passionate about this because you literally talk yourself out of it. Like, what have happened if I talk myself out of the for that room? And then be like, you know what? Yeah, this isn't for me. This isn't for dads or or guys, right? I wouldn't have learned all of the things that I learned that got us to where we are right now.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

A lot of your clients are women.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

So and they are. And now I can 100% talk to them in their language because I'm like, this is how I was taught too, right? And it's like, so when you think about that, you think about the things that you could use in your brain to hold you back. This is why you have to become aware of them. This is why self-leadership is so important. You don't realize it, but it's those things that you're that you're automatically assuming and you lose out on the ability of like really being able to learn and move those forward.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Yeah, I really like that. And I think that is the most important piece to all of this because when we talk about ROI, you know, return on investment, it's not dollar for dollar. It's the stuff that you convince yourself to learn even before you, you know, push that buy button or you know, commit to something. It's the I'm going to learn from this no matter what. And it and it could be something completely unrelated, right? Like, you know, when you said that you as a police officer, you're like, okay, I'm gonna learn everything I can from you know these senior officers, and you're like, oh wait, like this is awful. I don't ever want to do that. But you still learned. Yeah. And what what an awesome lesson because now you know, when you were, you know, the the field officers, the field training officer, and you know, you were training these newer officers, that's valuable information that you are now able to pass on to them. Yep. And if you hadn't had that mindset, you wouldn't have learned that. So really that that's what all of this is about. Like if your brain tries to convince you not to do something, always think about this. What can I learn from this experience? Even if I don't get my money back, what can I learn?

SPEAKER_00 15:18

I love it. I love it. Let's talk a little bit about how the brain decides which path to go down, because I think people will really benefit from this, right?

Re Sorting Fear And Going All In

SPEAKER_00 15:25

So I think typically what our brain says is that either number one, it's gonna take from me, or number two, it's gonna give me, right? It doesn't realize there's a place somewhere in the middle, but it also starts sorting things based off of, okay, so I'm gonna do this thing. It's gonna be me giving to something. I'm going to take on a role as a like coach for my kids' football team. That means I'm gonna have to, it's gonna take from me, right? And they start looking at things like that. And sometimes it sorts it right. Sometimes it doesn't. It sorts it into this is taking from me. And in reality, you don't realize that it's gonna give you more than you've like ever wanted in that scenario, right? And so I think the main thing here is instead of allowing your brain to decide that and just moving forward, you have to have a way to kind of like pause and go, wait, hold on a second. This is a lot of like what we talk and teach about, right? We have our growth model to be able to help guide through that so that your brain doesn't make that automatic unconscious thing, right? But you have to have a way to be able to see, okay, is it sorting it in the right way, or is it sorting it in a way where it's just like trying to keep me safe, trying to make me use the least amount of calories possible, right? And and I think the biggest thing also is like, is this problem or challenge that I'm going through, if I don't do this, how is it going to be solved? Because more time is not going to be the solution. In this scenario, I think we kind of convince ourselves like I just we just need it to cool down. We just need things to, you know, kind of like work themselves out. And I mean, sometimes that actually works, but then you don't actually develop the skill for when the next time it comes, right? Instead, like being able to lean in and navigate it, make those decisions inside of it, figure out like what's the step that's actually going to help you so that you never have to experience this again, and then execute on that, right? Now it's not easy. I want to make sure that people understand that. Like what we're talking about is not easy. That's why most people don't reach that level of success because their brain sorts it like that. It just automatically goes down that path. And if you don't have a way to stop it, or even to some extent, like even if you start to learn this stuff, but then you disconnect from it, and now all of a sudden your brain is going back into those old patterns, it's very easy to grab onto that because that's just we haven't evolved past that. That's just the way that our brain works, right? And so today's episode was about being able to see how some of these things are actually in disguise holding you back instead of giving you opportunity to grow.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Yeah. I think just something that kind of popped into my mind as you were talking is we're not talking about like what's in it for me with all of these situations. When we talk about like, you know, what it's gonna cost, but what it's gonna give us, or what like something that it's gonna take away from us rather than give to us. And that can sound a little selfish in some sense, but when you were talking about like coaching, like a little league or coaching for your kids or doing something for your kids, like think about it that way. Where not what's this gonna give to me? Like what's the payback gonna be for me to take the time to do this? But more importantly, what is this going to give to my kids? Like what is this going to teach my kids? Or how is this going to affect my kids when they see that their dad, their mom is taking the time to do this? What is that gonna give to them? So if you feel like, oh, like I feel so selfish, you know, doing stuff like this, think about it that way. Yeah. What is that gonna give to other people?

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Yeah. Yeah. One of the things that comes up for me as you say that is that's the process that we teach in a self-leadership lab. When you've decided that you're going to do something, the greatest thing you could do for yourself is look for supporting evidence in terms of how leaning in is going to be that thing that's gonna impact you and your family and really the world. And it's like once you've made that decision, instead of going through the second guessing of everything that you're gonna do, which makes you dip your toe in, which even if you like you dip your toe in, it's the best thing in the whole wide world, it's gonna suck because like you're you're not taking the approach of of being able to make sure that you want to be in there. When you start actually asking better questions and you kind of like what you were saying, like what kind of impact is this gonna make? How proud am I gonna be when I fully commit to this? What am I modeling in terms of the behavior that I'm asking other people to do right now? It takes your energy and it really focuses it in on that thing. So you can get the best return on your investment, whatever that looks like, right? And and here's the crazy thing. Like, and I don't know how people are gonna take this, but I'm just gonna say it is I have gotten to the point where if I want to do something, I can find all the evidence and all the reasons for me to go all in and actually want to do it. Now, this can both be a greatest strength and greatest weakness if you use it against other people, like which obviously we definitely do not condone. But once you make a decision, I'm gonna do this, you can like really wrap your head around the impact it's gonna make and actually go all in with your energy to give you the greatest chance to be able to succeed. And I feel like this is like another step where people like make that mistake, right? Where maybe they catch themselves, they see how their brain is sorting it, they make a decision that they're gonna go all in, but then they don't officially go all in. They start thinking about all the reasons why they shouldn't have and all the reasons why this isn't gonna work and all that kind of that's not helpful in any respect, right? If you're going to give this like an honest shot, whatever that thing is, you have to approach it from the the impact that's going to make, the like how proud you are for you taking this step, right? Because if you're gonna do it, you might as well do it 100%. 50% is not gonna work, even if it's the best thing out there. But a hundred percent, that gives you the greatest likelihood to be able to make it work. So that's I don't know, that's just what came up from what you said. Let me ask you this. So where have you watched this happen? So I know that I have given you like some different ideas in terms of how this has happened for me. Um, but like where have you watched

Real Examples And Relationship Balance

SPEAKER_00 21:05

this happen?

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Yeah, I think you know, the I guess the most recent would be, you know, going for the coaching certification. I know you actually had to convince me to do it. And, you know, it wasn't just about the cost or the time, it was about the something else to learn. And I had gotten to the point where I was like starting to get closed off about that. But I realized first off, watching you, you know, learn something new and really kind of keep developing yourself. But the idea of actually doing it for me to to learn something for me, because at the time I wasn't like, oh, I'm gonna do this because I want to create a coaching business. Like, that wasn't on my mind. The thing was what can I learn from this? How my brain works, and how I can, you know, make better experiences for myself by learning these skills. So it was something like that. And I think that I've gotten Better about deciding to do things. Like now it's a little bit easier for me to be like, oh, you know, someone invited me to this program. I'm like, you know what? This makes sense. And I really need it. Another example, like on a smaller scale, is just a program that a friend invited me to. Something, you know, that's like six weeks. Um, and it's something that is more, you know, focusing on yourself, a little bit of self-care and things like that. And right now, with what I'm going through, I was like, right now is not the time. Like, I I don't know if I can. But then it's like almost like within the same thought, I was like, you know what, this is a perfect time. And it was, it was weird because, and I even told my friend, I was like, I almost convinced myself, but then it's like a switch where my brain just does that now. It's like, what am I doing? Like, no, this is the perfect time for me to do this. And and I did it, and I and I'm doing it, and I'm glad I did.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

So yeah, and and I'm glad you did because otherwise I was gonna have to talk to you in it.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

You probably would have at some point be like, just do it.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Well, well, it's funny is like people don't really realize a relationship when it comes to that kind of stuff. Like uh, we'll go to like Ulta or a place and you'll like walk around the place over and over and over again. You'll see something, you're like, ah, but like the price of it, but like, uh. And then we're like walking around, and I'm like, are you gonna get that or what? And then I I have this spiel where I'm like, listen, we drove over here, like you really want it, like it's something that's gonna help you. Why, why are we even having this conversation? Just pick it up. We're gonna go. It's gonna be amazing.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

Are you saying I should go back to old thing and go get that?

SPEAKER_00 23:36

The answer is yes. Air moisturizer? The the answer is yes. And and I every time I go into like every time I go into our Amazon cart, because we have a shared Amazon cart, there's like three things in the cart. I'm like, well, can you not like actually hit the buy now button? I'm like, it's so easy for me. I just click this button. I'm like, oh, it's gonna be so amazing to get it. It's a mop thing. It might be, it might be, but it's it's a you thing for sure. The you problem. No, no, it's an us problem. Um, but the good thing is, is that uh uh is I'm the opposite. And I'm like, why are we even having this conversation?

SPEAKER_01 24:07

That's a good balance because otherwise we'd be like not doing so much.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

And we'd be the opposite, right? We'd be like buying everything. You have to be like, you have to speak some sense into me. But I do think I'm getting better at like uh convincing you to do those things. Um and yeah, the club that you joined. Like, I am definitely glad that you were able to spot that because I could see it when you're like, it's not the right time because of this and that. And I'm like, oh my gosh, like actually, it's quite the contrary. It's like, this is the exact time. Like, it could not have been a better time to actually do something like that, right? I I find that people think that we stop doing those things. Like we stop like joining programs and getting coached and all that kind of stuff. Like, that has not stopped in 14 years that we've owned a business, that we've been coaches and whatnot. And it's never going to stop. And maybe it's like that's on us because we're not talking about it as much. But like we are constantly talking ourselves into rooms that would petrify people because it's really high-level rooms, which have a high-level ticket, but also a high level of like fear being in those rooms. Because just like anybody else, we have a human brain too, right? And it's just a something that maybe we can talk a little bit more about and then go from there.

Self Leadership Lab Workshop Invite

SPEAKER_00 25:14

So before we go, there is one thing that I want to say. So we've been building something for a while now. It teaches people how to lead themselves effectively. And the people it's built for are the ones already carrying the most, the person that everybody counts on, the one who is already good at this, already delivering, and doing it on whatever instincts they showed up with. Because nobody was ever taught this part. Their plate is full, and it's full because they're the one who can handle it. And the one skill that would help them carry all of it better is the exact thing they're saying no to. That's what we just talked about. Your brain looks at the thing that would give you your time back and files it as one more thing you don't have room for. Now, this program is called the self-leadership lab. We're running a free workshop before it opens so you can see what it's like. But more than anything, I want you doing this at the level that you're actually capable of. So if that's you, grab a spot at modernleadership.us forward slash workshop. Now, Teresa, take us out.

The Weekly Question And Closing

SPEAKER_01 26:12

So just think about this. There is something that you're putting off. And I don't want you to walk away from this thinking that this is something that you don't want badly enough. That's not what's happening here. It's just your brain starts to sort things in the wrong place. You just have to decide what you're gonna take from this, what you're gonna get out of what your brain is trying to decide not to do. So it's really up to you. It's taking ownership of what it is that you want to learn, what it is that you want to gain. And no matter what it is, whether you get your money back or whatever that cost is to you, you're always going to get something out of it if you decide that you are going to.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

So this week, what we want you to do is we want you to ask yourself this really powerful question. And that is where have I been talking myself out of the exact thing that would help me overcome this for good? Let us know what comes up for you. Because this is our era of expertise, and we'd love to help. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode. And above all, keep leading from the front. See you next week.