What Changed When We Stopped Giving Our Kids the Answer

Cold Open And New Intro Ideas

SPEAKER_01 0:00

What is going on, my people?

SPEAKER_00 0:03

We're trying to think of a new intro to do for Teresa. By the way, if you have an idea for an intro, please send it. If both addresses, no, I'm just kidding. We should do a contest, huh? Um, all right, let's get serious. You ready to No, I don't want to get serious. Okay. It's not fun. I don't know. Today is gonna be a little bit fun, but also serious. Because we're gonna be talking about the thing that everybody needs to know.

unknown 0:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

I don't really know what it is, but it sounds like a really great thing. No, but seriously, today we want to talk about kids and how kids have the best answers in the world. And if you're not asking them, you're not gonna be able to find them. So one of our boys, and this happens all the time, but I remember a very specific incident where one of our boys brought us something that he was trying to work through, a problem, a challenge that he was going through. And I remember I put on my dad hat back then. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna help him solve this. Okay, it wasn't really like that. When somebody you care about, you really love, comes to you and goes, Dad, I'm struggling with this, my brain would instantly go to, let me give you the three steps. Let me tell you what to do, the order to do it, how to do it appropriately, how to say it, and how to follow through, right? And what I kept realizing is he kept bringing me this thing over and over and over again, and I would give him tactics, different things, and none of those ever worked. And then when I stopped and I asked him, he had the most beautiful answer. And I'm like, let's do that. And it actually worked. I gotta tell you, like this happened to me so many different times, even when the kids were smaller, like seven, eight, like they would have come up, they came up with the most beautiful, brilliant ideas. And I'm like, why am I not talking to them? Why am I not asking them questions? And so that's what we really want to talk about today. We want to get into how to handle situations when your kids or somebody that you really care about brings you something and how to actually help them even more than you're currently helping them.

Kids Have Brilliant Answers

SPEAKER_00 2:03

You're listening to the Modern Leadership Coaching Podcast. My name is Mark.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

And this is where we talk about what it takes to actually lead people well. By the way, I really should have been a DJ. My DJ voice?

SPEAKER_01 2:15

No.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

No, no, no. Kurt's gonna be upset about that is he's the DJ voice. All right, so let's talk about this. All right. So here's the thing like most of the time, people we care about, they bring us information, they bring us stuff, they bring us challenges, they bring us things that they want something, uh, whether it's some help through or something that's really hard. And what I find that I used to do a lot, and I still do it on occasion, and what a lot of our clients do is we want to hand somebody the answer. And it comes from this place like in our heart where it's like, I love this person. I want to stop this pain. Here's the solution to it. And there's so many different reasons why this actually doesn't really work out as well as we want it to, that we wanted to make a podcast about it. Because I think we tend to overcomplicate this because we go into all the strategies, all the different tactical things like we talk about, and we never actually hit any adaptive things or the things that are under the surface that literally a question would be able to help solve. And so today I want to walk them through a couple different scenarios that have come up and show them how you can just get into asking questions, being curious, and really pulling out those beautiful answers from the person who's actually asking you for the help. So you ready to do that? Yeah, let's do it. All right.

The School Conflict Story

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Tell us about it. Tell us what happened. What did he bring and what what did you jump to first?

SPEAKER_00 3:33

Yeah. So there was something going on at school where um he wasn't being treated nicely with some of the other kids that are in class. And and so he was bringing that to me. And so as a part of the 75 hard, I would go out with either of our kids or you for like a 45-minute walk. So I do that twice a week, twice a week with you, twice a week with Jay, twice a week with Andrew. And it just gives me an opportunity to just have conversations about what's going on. And he brought up that conversation, like on a couple different trips. And I remember in the first couple trips, I was just listening. I was hearing what he had to say. And then when I got to the end, I started to give him advice. I started to tell him, well, hey, have you thought about doing this? Have you thought about doing that? And it wasn't like an aggressive, like, here's the three-step program that we're gonna do. It was more of like, well, what do you think would happen if you did this? How about this? How about this? And it was it was me inferring that I know the right answer here. And because of that, it kept coming up and again and again and again. Some of the things he would do, some of the things he wouldn't do, but none of them worked. So going through that process, I realized that I was trying to hand him the solution when maybe there was a different way that I could do this. Maybe there was a solution that he had that if I asked him some questions would help bring it out. So that's kind of like the scenario we were going through.

Advice Can Reduce Psychological Safety

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Yeah, I I I kind of see this also as an opportunity to improve that psychological safety that we talk about or that like safe environment. Because if you're always giving answers, you're always kind of like saying, This is what you need to do. There could be some judgment there where it's like, hey, you're doing something wrong. Let me tell you the right thing to do. So that can create something in someone where they're like, well, I don't want to bring anything to them because I'm just gonna feel bad about myself. And might be subconscious too. So I think that getting right into that where it's like you're giving advice is number one, you're not allowing them to really kind of work through in their mind what could be the best solution, but you're also kind of creating that unsafe environment for them.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Yeah. Now they're they're kind of dependent on you to tell them what to do the next time something else comes up, which I want to have independent kids, right? Which sometimes can come back and bite you if they decide to make decisions on their own. But I want them to be able to practice that while they're here so they can get really good at it.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Yeah. And another thing is, you know, when it comes to this kind of stuff, like when your kid is getting bullied at school, like your first instinct is to be like, who is it? You know, your mama bear, your papa bear comes out and you're like, you get defensive and you're like, This is my child. Why is somebody treating them like that? And so that doesn't create curiosity or that doesn't create that sense of let me empower them, rather than making them feel like there's no solution and they're, you know, there's no hope, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Yep, 100%.

The Question That Unlocked Action

SPEAKER_00 6:32

I do kind of like want to work through what ended up happening in terms of the the solution. So when we were out on a walk after going through this a couple different times, uh, instead of me giving him ideas, I just simply asked him, like, what do you think would be the best thing to do? And he stopped for a second. I I know that whenever I ask him this question, that he really does a good job of processing it. There are times now where he's like, I don't know. But I remember in that moment, he like stopped and we kept walking, like, but he stopped talking. He thought about it, and then he gave me an answer. He said, Dad, what if I do this? And I remember when he said it, just the feeling that I got when he came to that conclusion, but I could see it in his own body, the feeling that he got when he came to that conclusion. I could see he was fully bought into it. And to be honest, like even if I didn't like it, I still was gonna agree with it. Because I was like, I see the belief that you have that this is the right step, and it's the belief that matters more than the actual doing part of it. And I'm like, that's it. That sounds amazing, buddy. I think that's probably a great idea. And I remember he did it in the next day, like he couldn't wait to tell me when he got home, where he's like, I did it, it worked. And as a matter of fact, they thanked me for coming forward and saying something because I guess this kid had been doing it to a whole bunch of other people too. And I remember seeing the look on his face when he said that. He was still small, but I still remember him like looking up like with a beam of pride of like, hey, look what I did for me, but also look what I did for everybody else. And it was in that moment that I was like, I almost prevented this. I almost stopped this from happening. Because if I had given him advice and it had worked, it'd have been like, oh, yeah, my dad told me that. But he was like, I thought of that. And then I decided, and then I acted on it. And so when you think about that, when you think about those opportunities, and this is a reframe that I have in terms of the perspective I tell myself, is when I'm in those situations, I always remember I may have some answers, but it may not be their answers. And they have beautiful, amazing answers inside of them. And what matters more than the technical what to do is like who you are when you do them. And if he has full belief in what it is that he's saying right now, I'm all in with testing it and trying it and seeing kind of like if it works because I don't have the solutions, right? I I couldn't possibly know what would be the best thing for him, right? Even though my brain will trick me into it because it thinks that I'm older, I've been through scenarios, I've been a police officer for 20 years, I know what it's like. Like, but all those things are actually not helpful in that scenario. So being able to take a step back and realize that this amazing human in front of me can figure things out. And if I ask him some questions, I can really pull it out. It just totally changes the energy, but also creates that environment you were talking about earlier, which is like now he feels safe to come to me and me not to just give him the lecture of the three things that he needs to do, but really pull that out. So let me ask you this. This is something that I want people to understand, but that's like the difference between when somebody gives you an idea, the follow-through that people have when you get given an idea versus the follow-through you have when you actually have the idea come up for you. So can you tell me a little bit about the difference, what you've seen?

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Yeah, I think the difference is that if you come up with the process or the solution to what you're going through, you have more buy-in rather than it coming from somebody else. Because you've probably thought about it so much and you've already really processed it. So when you actually put that into place, then you feel more of that buy-in. And then you also kind of have like ownership of it because when somebody else gives you something and it doesn't work, and you're like, nope, it's because you know, they gave me the wrong solution. But now, like if you're more introspective, you'll be like, Okay, if that didn't work, there's nothing wrong with me. It's more of like, I just need to process this a little bit more and like think about this in a different way or what have you. So there's more learning there, there's more growth. So that's what I

Morning Routine Problem Solving

SPEAKER_01 10:35

kind of think.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

Yeah, I think bringing up another example will help illustrate what you just shared right there. So I remember one of the kids was struggling with like getting up in the morning, getting ready for like school. And, you know, we did the typical things of first what can we put in place of, you know, if they don't do this, they get this taken away. And then we switched to if they do this, here's the positive things that they can do. And um, it wasn't actually working. It wasn't working. So on another one of my 45 minute walks, which by the way, those walks are very productive. It's crazy that I thought that the program 75 Hard was gonna take away from my family. It's given me so much like great, not only time with them, but also like solving so many different problems. Just gonna say that. But I remember on this other walk, I stopped coming up with the solutions and I just asked a question. And I remember it was, what do you think would make you actually want to get out of bed, to jump out of bed excited to start your day? Like, what do you think would be something that would make that exciting for you? And I remember at the time, like we had just got new Apple watches, and so we had our old ones. And he's like, Well, I really like being able to track my steps. And what if you let me borrow mom's old watch if I got up on time? And if I didn't, then I couldn't get it. And I'm like, Yes, where do I sign up for that? Because it's like literally sitting collecting dust right now. And so we put that together. Where when he woke up on time and got up, he got the watch. And when he didn't, he didn't get the watch. And I just want to share like one side effect from this is that was not a lifetime thing. Maybe it worked for a month and a half to two months. And then after that, we had to rethink what that process could look like because he lost interest in the watch. But like thinking about us giving a solution versus him coming up with that solution for a month, a month and a half, it made our lives easier because we were like, we don't have to necessarily think about that. He knew that if he got up, he got it. If he didn't, he didn't. And it wasn't perfect, but it was far better than any of the different ideas that we had. And so him having that buy-in really did get him to show up, to start getting up, not forever, but it really did help close the gap for a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Yeah. And I I I think about how it is now where where it's like we're not just gonna give the kids answers. And I know that they're teenagers now, so they do kind of get annoyed at first when we start asking them those questions. They're like, they know it's coming, right? They know there's that teachable moment. But I do feel like it's very valuable because we are developing adults, right? So they're not gonna be dependent on us for the rest of their lives, right? So why not give them kind of this tool where they're allowed to explore and not feel like they're tied to us when something goes wrong?

SPEAKER_00 13:16

Yeah.

Curiosity Works With Adults Too

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Yeah. I know we talked about the kids in today's episode a lot. There is one situation, we talked about it actually last podcast, but like trying to get you to go to the gym and work out. This isn't just something that works for kids. This is something that works for really anybody in the world. It's just that when you have somebody that you really love, a lot of times what our brain makes that mean is like, I have to solve this problem. And maybe if you have a client, maybe you don't feel, or you lead somebody to work, maybe you don't feel compelled as much as you do as your kids or your spouse. But those are the situations where you really need to make sure, am I trying to convince you to go to the gym, Teresa? Go to the gym to be healthy because when I tried that, it didn't work, right? Or am I getting just naturally curious, just sharing, like, hey, this is what I'm gonna do. If you'd like to do it with me, that's awesome. But if not, no worries at all, right? Taking that pressure off to have you come to that conclusion and then ultimately decide to join me, but join me more frequently than you ever had your entire life. And so it's not just something for kids, it's also something for adults, but it has a lot to do with the people that we care most about. I noticed that I typically will get into, or my brain initially still goes down the path of give them the answer. I've been here before. Let me speed this up for them. But actually, they don't learn, they don't grow, they don't find that awesomeness inside of them. I just wanted to share that. So before we close this off, I love to hear like, what do you want people to take away from today's show?

Why We Rush To Fix

SPEAKER_01 14:42

When we hand someone the answer, we think we're actually helping them. And sometimes we are. But a lot of the times we're taking care of something like within ourselves, whether it's the need to be useful, the need to have it handled, the need to know that we actually did something. The people that we love don't usually need our answers as much as they need to be heard well enough to find their own answers. And the best part is you already know how to do that. You just have to slow down long enough to let it happen.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

I love it. I love it. I love it. So

Free Resource And Share Stories

SPEAKER_00 15:18

here's the thing, guys. If you want some help when it comes to leading yourself through this kind of stuff that pulls you into fixing mode, we actually have a free resource. It's a list of different podcasts that we've done recently that helps you to be able to lead yourself effectively so you can ask these level of questions. So if you go to modernleadership.us forward slash lead, we'll send you some emails that will break down these five different very important self-leadership lessons and how to actually implement them into your life. All right. Definitely grab that if you have not listened to those. We've had a lot of people who've got back to have said they've been super helpful. It doesn't cost you anything, just maybe 10 minutes every single episode and implement that stuff. Don't just listen to it, but actually implement it. All right, guys, I appreciate you for listening here. I also just want to say this today's episode really hits near and dear to me because it's about family. It's about the people that we love the most. And yes, I love coaching. I love being able to teach people how to coach, but there's nothing that I love more than actually using this to be able to help create a deep connection with my family, because that's what I feel like I was put here on this planet to do. And I know that so many of you guys feel the same way because you wouldn't even be listening to this episode if it wasn't. So just want to say thank you for what you do out there. Thank you for leaning into your core values like this and utilizing this and getting into asking questions instead of giving advice. And as you go, when things come up and you learn things by simply asking them questions, I'd love to hear about it on the show. Whether you go to the podcast app, there's a little thing that says send us a message or you respond to one of our emails because we have an email list where we keep people up to date on a lot of these things and send out inspiration a couple of times a week. Please let us know because we love to hear your stories and love to be able to share them with others. All right, guys. Thank you for what you do out there every single day. Keep leading from the front, and we'll see you next week.