The One Word That Changes How You Lead Yourself

A Powerful One-Word Trap

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So, what is going on, my people? I am super pumped up.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

No kidding. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Today, guys, we have a really powerful episode for you. A few minutes before I actually sat down and started to plan out this episode, I got off a call with a client and she was doing something that I catch myself doing a lot. One of those things that kind of prevents us from finding like the amazing, incredible answers that would actually work for us. And I want to share that with you guys here today because I find myself going down this path. But when I'm actually coaching somebody, I'm like, ah, I spotted it. And it's something that when I shifted back to them, it actually helps them come up with better solutions, better ideas, better ways of achieving what they want to achieve faster without having to feel like they need to hustle themselves through it. And it was there all the time, but it was trapped in a single word. And that word is or.

Spotting “Or” Thinking In Real Time

SPEAKER_01 0:48

So you're listening to the Modern Leadership Coaching podcast. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

This one's going to be kind of simple, but don't take that as meaning easy. Right? This is one of those things that can very easily sneak in. I was actually putting together an email sequence, but that would actually help people when it comes to like identifying the place that they are right now and the place that they want to get to. And one of the ways that I help identify with that gap is, is I put it into a statement where you add the word but into it. Very similar to what we're going to be talking about today. So you're like, I want to lose weight, but I've got kids. I want to grow a business, but I don't know what to say. The but is the thing that literally removes you from finding the answer. And it's the same thing with the word or. Can I do this or that? And sometimes it's really like obvious because it's in your words. Sometimes it's subtly in your brain and you don't realize that you're thinking, well, I can either grow a business or I can show up for LEPD like I want. I can either be in the best shape of my life or I could spend more high quality time with my kids and my family. And it never was an or answer, right? It was always an and. But when you make it an or you don't get to find those. So that's what I'm gonna talk about today is like when your brain tricks you into thinking that you have an or situation, but in reality, that's just keeping your trap and it's not allowing your creativity to take over.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Yeah. So explain what you mean by or thinking. So what does it actually look sound like when it's running in someone's

A Business Example That Unlocks Both

SPEAKER_00 2:13

head?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Yeah. So let me say what it sounds like when I hear it like verbally out loud. Somebody will have a goal that they want to achieve, right? And they will have an idea of like, well, I can do this or that. I'll give you a perfect example. So I have an incredible client. She likes signs up for like vendor events and she does vendor events where she gets to really help women who are potentially going through menopause or perimenopause be able to navigate these like kind of like waters, right? And so she has a couple of different things that she does in terms of her offer. One of the ways that she could very easily do this is she could say, Well, I'm either going to sell, quote unquote, sell my offer, which includes coaching and being able to have lab work done and all this kind of stuff, or I can sell some of the products and stuff that I do through my MLM, which helps support that, and trying to figure out like which one can I do? Which one should I do? And the answer for me is always and it's both. It's like, how could we meet the person where they're at and then find out what is the best use for them and then sell them that because we want to actually be able to help people in that respect. And when people try this on, when people try on the end, it just opens the door. They're like, I never thought of that before. Now that's a very concrete business decision, but the same thing can apply in

Fitness Goals Without Losing Family Time

SPEAKER_01 3:26

multiple areas, right? I remember when I was doing the 75 hard, a lot of people who were doing the 75 hard with me had this idea of like, I can either succeed in the 75 hard or spend more time with my family. So literally what they were saying is if I do this 75 hard program, it's going to make me more disconnected from my family. And I refuse to believe that because that's not a normal situation. It's an end. I'd say, how could me doing the 75 hard actually bring me closer to my family? And you know this, but like every day, my second workout outside for 45 minutes would be with one of you guys. We'd go on a walk. So I'd go on a walk with Jay on Monday, Andrew on Tuesday, you on Wednesday, Jay on Thursday, and like for the whole week, I had 45 minutes of powerful, amazing time with you guys, being able to have great conversations, figuring out what you're interested in, what you're doing that would have never happened if I hadn't done the program. But so many people are like, yeah, I can't do that because it's going to take away from my family time. And I'm like, well, it could, but you could also get creative AF and you could figure it out. And this is what happens when you get into that and versus or thinking.

When “Responsible” Becomes Self-Sabotage

SPEAKER_01 4:27

It sounds like you're making a really intelligent decision, which one should I do? However, you fail to look at the fact that you could do both and they could actually work in synergy and make each other stronger. But you have to be willing to challenge that belief that you can only do one or the other. So that's what it looks like.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Yeah, that's really eye-opening. And I know that it's really simple, just the a word, but it shows how powerful that is, how powerful language is, how powerful it is when you communicate things and put them out into the universe, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Yep, yep, yep. And actually, it just brings up another thing that happened. So before we actually created the High Impact Master Academy, obviously we co-created a certification with our mentor. The people in there were starting to get tattoos on their body that had the and symbol for this exact reason to remind themselves of like this is an and situation. This isn't an or situation. That's the kind of impact that that can have when you remind yourself of that in the moment. So now let me ask you this. So where do you see this show up the most in the people that we work with? Because I don't think that people even notice that they're doing this. It's just a natural part of life for them. But I'm curious, like, where do you see it show up?

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Yeah, where I see it is when somebody's trying to do something new and then they start pitting things against each other. So, you know, you you mentioned this earlier where it was like you can either grow your business or whatever, right? And I think a lot of it has to do with like time because we feel like our time is limited. And if we add something to it, then that means something else has to give. And when you start to think about the things in your life, you start thinking, well, I can't spend less time with my family. I want to be more connected with my family. And then this business eventually starts to take away from that because you're thinking about it as a one or the other. Yeah. When in reality, you can do both. Yeah. It's just about, like you said earlier, being creative about it.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

Yeah. I feel like this is the hidden version of self-sabotage that people don't realize they're doing, is because if you choose an or, you don't have to do the hard thing of thinking creatively to find a solution to both. And so it's like, yeah, I don't run a business because I have kids and I want to spend time with them. Basically, what you're saying is like everybody who has kids and runs the business must be doing it at the detriment of their family. That is false news. It's your brain selling you on that idea so you don't have to do the uncomfortable thing of being able to work out what it looks like to grow a business, right? Growing a business is not easy. It's being an entrepreneur, being willing to weigh the risk, being able to have the capacity to hold both and being able to learn the skills that you need to learn to be able to sustain something like that. That takes work. And if you have all these other things that are like competing and you're like, I can do one or the other, you can really sell yourself on the idea that you can't do it. And that is not the truth. People have been doing this for decades, where people have been getting creative in order to find a solution. And it's okay if you decide not to do this. I want to make sure I call that out because not everybody is built to actually grow a business or to be an entrepreneur. It's okay if they don't want to do that. But if you're getting the tug to do it, I would highly encourage you to think about an and situation instead of an or because you're going to self-sabotage yourself and you're going to guide yourself down a path that you're not going to want to go. You're going to prove to yourself, oh, yep, this isn't meant to be. But in reality, it was just getting to think a little bit more creatively. This is why coaching is so important and why we need people in our lives to do this and why ChatGPT and Claude and all that stuff is amazing, but it's never going to be able to duplicate this piece. Being able to hear these things, seeing where people are, especially if you're somebody who's gone through this before, you've lived an or life and now you're starting to live an and life, being able to call you forward like that is so critically important. Otherwise, you will design a life around your or like the whole idea of your brain keeping you safe and protecting you. And that is not a life that I want to create. So

Why Your Brain Loves Subtraction

SPEAKER_01 8:11

if that's something that really hits you, I really want you to think about this, how you communicate. Are you living an or life? Are you going to start living an and life? It means that you're going to have to get more creative. It means you're going to have to figure some things out. You're going to have to get a little scrappy, but you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if that wasn't you, right? You wouldn't be listening to my good morning, my people intro every single time. So just want to show that.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

So Yeah, and this is this is why I like doing an exercise like this with my clients because it starts to open up your mind to the possibilities rather than the limitations. So it's it's always a great thing to be able to help people become aware of that.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Why does that one word change what somebody's brain is able to come up with? How does that actually work? How does changing just that one word change what the brain is able to come up with?

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Yeah. And it's like I what I said, where it starts to open up, hey, there's an opportunity here rather than I got to choose something. Yeah. So it's more of thinking, okay, rather than what I'm going to lose, what can I gain from this? And I see it more like that. I see it more as the or is like subtraction or loss. And and is more of adding or it highlights how important it is so that you can see it more as an opportunity rather than something that is an issue.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Yeah. Yeah. What you were saying there about subtraction and addition, I want people to really grab onto that because here's the thing like remember, our brain is meant to protect us and keep us safe. It wants to use the least amount of energy as possible. And thinking uses energy, a lot of energy, right? So if we can subtract a whole bunch of possibilities to not even have to think about, that is going to protect us and keep us safe, right? And so that for us is going to be an easy path for our brain to go down. But when you start using the word and, what you're literally doing is you're shifting your belief. Yes. You're opening the door to believe something new. Because in an or, you remove half of the scenario. Okay. And it feels good in that moment, right? And sometimes you can trick yourself into thinking like that's the answer, right? But anytime you do add an and, it just takes your last belief and kind of like chisels away at it. It's like, well, that is not going to serve you at the highest level. But if you live an and life, maybe it could. And it really starts to change that perspective that you have. Now you're open to seeing and finding things. If you're coachable, by the way, because a lot of people be like, that won't work. That's dumb, right? And it's your brain shutting it down because if you shut it down, guess what? It doesn't have to use energy, doesn't have to consume. And you can be protected because you don't have to do all the work that it's going to take in order to figure that out. But understanding this is how the brain works is so important. It's so vital. It's the reason why we can convince ourselves to not do the things that we want to do. Or like, I'm just not supposed to be the person who does X, Y, and Z or puts this together or leads this team or anything like that. It's so easy to believe that because it's safer. But it also like, I don't know, it feels like safer now, but it's very unsafe later, right? When you're not doing those things. You're not living to your full potential. You're not making the impact that you couldn't make, right? I feel like it may feel safe now, but it's totally unsafe later. As opposed to feeling unsafe now, getting creative, so you can live that life and you can feel like you're actually creating that safety, right? It's just backwards to the way that most humans think. And thank goodness, like we have podcasts like this, but like people who've written books and science and psychology and all this kind of stuff that really brings this out so we can understand it and really lean into it if we choose

Pros And Cons Without The Spiral

SPEAKER_01 11:35

to.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

So kind of like a side note here, and it's more of a question. What what do you think about like pros and cons lists? You know, when people are faced with the decision and they're thinking, oh, there's an or, right? There's this or that, and they have to decide on one thing. And then, you know, they start thinking about the pros and cons. Like, what do you think about that? And how does that apply to kind of like what we're talking about?

SPEAKER_01 11:58

Yeah, that's a great question. So, in a scenario where, like, let's say somebody wants to, let's say, sign up for a program, I think there's a lot of power in thinking through the pros and the cons. I know that on sales calls you have a lot of people who will talk about, okay, if you were to fully invest in this and take action, where would you be next year if you fully committed to this versus where would you be a year from now if you don't commit to this? And it may seem like a sales tactic, but that is actually how I make decisions in real life. It's because I look at that legitimately thinking, what would happen if I were to do this versus what would happen if I wouldn't? And I would go through a pros and cons list and really list out all the things that could potentially happen and all the things that wouldn't happen if I didn't. And the reason why is because I want to look at it logically, but when you think about looking at things logically, it helps you to make a decision from that. But I also don't want to make a decision in a high emotional state. And so by looking at the pros and cons, it gives me an idea of, okay, what are the pluses and the minuses? And then I can make a logical decision from that. And I actually insert emotion back into it. Because if I look at the pros and the cons, there's no telling that I'm actually gonna get those results. But what it does tell me is it tells me my level of belief if I were to do that. Yeah. Which means that if my level of belief is, hey, this is a go, then I use that belief and I lean into it. But if the belief is like, no, it doesn't matter what the program is. It doesn't matter. It could be the best program in the world. I'm not gonna actually believe in me or my coach's ability to help me or to, I'm not gonna give it my full. So there is a part around pros and cons of like, should I do this or should I not do this? Right. But those are a little bit different of a situation than an and situation, and versus or. So when I think about that, I think about yes, it's important to go down pros and cons list for my brain because I want to look at it and see both sides of it. And then I insert the emotion back into it. And I know that just because I've made a decision, yes or no, doesn't mean the program is bad or whatever that thing is that my brain is saying. It's more of like, no, this is my belief in not only this, but also in myself. And if I feel like I do have that level of belief, then I'll do it versus not do that. But I understand how the brain works. So I contemplate things differently than most humans. Most humans will take action based off of how they feel in the moment. And then later, when the situation changed, they feel something different. And then so they don't give it their all. I don't do that. No matter what program I decide, I get everything that I'm supposed to get from it. Doesn't matter if the structure is good or not. It doesn't matter if it's a live calls or recording, doesn't matter if I can make the calls or not. It doesn't matter anything. Like I'm gonna get my full amount because I know how to manage my brain and I know how to get the most out of every single program. And I wish more people could do that. Maybe that'll be an episode for us to do. It's like, it doesn't matter if the program's good or not. Programs don't succeed or fail for you. It's what you get out of it. I remember being a police officer. I learned so much from the field training officers who did it terrible. I learned everything from them. I learned what not to do. I made so many different adjustments, and it was so critical to my growth that I became one of the most sought-after like P3s. People wanted to work with me. People would request to work with me because they knew the type of person that I was. And it wasn't just from the people that I did it well through. It was also the people that didn't, right? So there's so much learning and so much growth. I don't encourage people to go out and find the worst programs they possibly can to sign up for it. But I do know that if you have a pull towards it and you lean into it, you have to get the gold out of it. It's not something that's done for you. You have to be willing to find it. And that's just like really understanding how your brain works and making sure you can maximize it.

Programs Do Not Fix You

SPEAKER_01 15:12

So I don't know how I went on that tangent, but that's kind of like how my brain works when I do the pros and cons. I know that there's not a right or wrong decision. Just just the decision that I make based off of the information that I have right now.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

Yeah, no, I I love that. I love that you brought that up because it really shows how you said you always get something out of it. So that means you're not really losing in a sense. Yeah. Because you're always gonna get something out of it if you choose that.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

Yeah, I think so many people join programs thinking the program is gonna fix them. The program does not fix you. First off, you're not broken, right? But even when you think about the coach that you're signing up with, the coach is not gonna make you successful. You are going to through the program, through the coach, through the tools. It's like we do these things thinking that that's the thing that we need that's gonna change us. We need to change. When we change, everything will change for us, right? I mean, people have done it. They've lost a ton of weight and then they get into business and they think they're starting over. It's like, no, same thing needs to happen. You need to transform. When you transform, everything that you touch will transform. It's not the specific thing, right? Even the workout. It's not the workout that made you lose that weight. It was you. You did it. You grew into the person who would exercise, who would eat healthy, who would sleep, do all those kind of things. The program can do that for you. It can help you, it can guide you. But like when we join programs thinking that that thing is gonna be the thing that changes us, we're in the wrong frame of mind and we're not gonna get what we came for. Because it's gonna be like, oh, yeah, that didn't work. We never say I didn't work. We always say that didn't work. And it just goes to show you when you approach a program with I'm gonna get a 10x return on my investment, you'll find ways to do that, right? It's the and situation, right? This is not the or, it's just the and situation in real life.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Yeah.

The Weekly “And” Challenge

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Okay. So what would you say to the person listening right now who has one big or that's running their life right now? They're doing this or that.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

I want to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

This is what comes up for me is like the word or it can sound like it's you being responsible. It's like I'm making a decision of this or that. I'm making a decision that I'm supposed to sit down and work my business right now, but my family's home because it's summertime. And it's the right thing to do to stop my business work and to go out and spend time with my family. Because I can either work my business or spend time with my family. It sounds responsible, but you're actually taking from your business in that moment, but also you're not thinking creative on how you can bring your family into it. Believe it or not, your business could actually make you spend more time with your family, more connected time, be more connected than ever, if you made this an and situation and not an or. So I would say or feels like responsibility, but in reality, it's self-sabotage. It is preventing you from finding the answer that would work for you. So instead, choose to ask yourself, how can I make this an and situation instead of an or? Where are you right now living an or life? And what would it look like to insert an and just into one of the statements that you say? And I want you to utilize this this week. Think about when I verbalize things out loud, when do I say or and how could I make that an and? And it's crazy because you'll see it come up in the weirdest situations and you're like, this couldn't be an and situation. I want you to challenge that because you will be amazed what happens when you challenge it and you find that other solution, and it's even better than you initially thought, it will blow your mind.

Closing Invite To Reach Out

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Cool.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

All right, everybody. Thank you guys for listening to another episode. Appreciate you so much. By the way, I've been actually reaching out to a couple different clients of mine, getting on their shows, not because I want to quote unquote talk to your clients, but because I want to really get people to see the power that you are as a coach, the power that you are in terms of like what you can do for your clients. And so I've been actually jumping on and interviewing other people. I actually did on the Dad Edge show as well. So if you're somebody who has a show and you love to be interviewed by me on your show so your people can see the amazingness that's you, reach out to me, let me know. I'd love to help support you in any way that I can. Whether you're a client or not, by the way, I just love being able to get people to see the powerful coaches that we have in this atmosphere that can really help make an impact in your life. So if that's you, reach out. Thank you for what you guys do out there every single day. Keep leading from the front, and we'll see you on the next episode.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

Bye.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Bye.