How to Change a Habit That Every Program and Book Has Missed

The Family Silence Moment

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So I was on a call recently with a client who was trying to break a habit. And it was kind of like one of those, it's like, oh, this should be very simple. And his thing was he wanted to put away his phone at a certain time. This is something he'd been trying to fix for a long time. But then he told me something that stopped him. He said that when he's with his family, and it's family time, they had started going quiet every time his phone rang, even during family time. And he asked them. He's like, Why did you guys stop talking? And they said, Because they assumed that he was going to answer it. And that is the moment that I want to talk about today. So you'll listen to the Modern Leadership Coaching Podcast. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

This is where we talk about what it actually takes to lead people well. And how are you doing? Good. You look amazing today, by the way. Thank you. Yeah, I wouldn't actually see you. Exactly. Exactly.

Why Habits Don’t Change Alone

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Okay, so today we're going to talk about why habits don't change in isolation. For example, like you want to put your phone down or you want to do X, Y, and Z and just knowing why that's not enough. But what actually shifts so that you can get yourself to put the phone down, but not just force yourself to do it or discipline yourself to do it, but actually want to do it. There's a couple different shifts when I was having this conversation with him, but I wanted to bring it to the podcast because I know a lot of people might resonate with this.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

So tell me about this call. Tell me a little bit more about it. Like what was actually going on?

SPEAKER_01 1:24

So we were having a conversation and he really wants to connect more with his wife. That's kind of like the main purpose behind us having this conversation. And he said that both me and my wife struggle with this, and we kind of like bump heads whenever this kind of situation and scenario comes up. He said, But I'm trying to work on putting my phone down when it comes to be family time. All right. And he's like, but I can't get myself to do it. Or if I do it, it's kind of like very intermittent. He gave me an example. He's like, this one time recently, and this one really hurt him, is that he was spending time with one of his kids. And it was after he's supposed to be quote unquote growing his business, and he had his phone and it rang. And he said his kid stopped talking. And he was like, not gonna answer the phone. But he was like, Why'd you stop talking? The kid was like, Well, because I thought you were gonna get that call. And to him, he said that felt like a dagger in his heart. He said, Because if his kid responded that way, then his kid must believe that he cares more about work and business and somebody calling than him in that moment, which is why he just automatically froze and didn't say anything. And he said, that was the moment he's like, I need to change this. I need to change it. So he since has gone on and tried a bunch of different things, getting different software on his phone to make it so that he can't do it, making sure that employees know that they can't call him, or people in the business, like his clients, can't call him, those kind of things. And he's like, but nothing has worked, even though I'm experiencing a ton of pain in this scenario. And so being a coach, I know that it is most likely, I would say 95% of the time, it is not a technical solution, right? It is not an app to install on your phone. Um, let's everybody put their phone in this certain area of their home. Because even just trying to fix it that way, you're still going to have the thoughts and the beliefs that he was having that is going to prevent you from being able to focus on your kids because now you're like, what happens if somebody calls? You're not gonna present. Yeah. Yeah. What happens if my client calls? What happens if somebody has an emergency? What happens? What happened? What happened? What happens? And so being able to ask him some questions to actually get to the root of that is what I actually did. And that's why I wanted to put together today's training. So when I was having a conversation with him, this is something I think a lot of people will connect with, but you may not have this very exact situation and scenario going on. But some of these universal principles are gonna be important for you to grab onto so you can not only learn the lesson from this one, but take it into the area that you most need to take it into. So

The Two Beliefs Behind The Habit

SPEAKER_01 3:59

as I was having this conversation, I was asking him questions and digging in deep. And I found that there were two main beliefs that he was believing that actually were hurting him in this scenario, because he wasn't gonna be able to get himself to show up. The first belief was that working through this problem with his wife, and every time it came up, was actually creating more disconnection. And so his thought was if I try to bring this to my wife, it's gonna create more disconnection, more frustration, and we are gonna fall even further apart from each other. And he didn't know that he was believing that, which is why he didn't want to talk to her about it. But the second belief was that if he didn't answer the phone, that he could potentially lose a client. So in that scenario, he's like, it's eight, nine o'clock at night, supposed to be family time, but he has to at least look at the text because if it's something that he needs to respond to right now, if he doesn't, he could potentially lose a client. So those were the two beliefs that I heard. And I'm like, I'm gonna be able to help you out so much in this scenario. It was kind of funny because when I kind of leaned in and said that, kind of like had a smile on my face. And I was in a room with a whole bunch of other people who were there asking for some help from me. And um, I could see it like in their not even their behavior, but like their body language and this guy's body language, they kind of sat up a little stronger. They were like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Because it's very relatable.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

It is, it is, but also like when when, and I've seen this on the opposite side too, is when a coach or somebody can see what's actually going on and then they communicate to you, I'm gonna be able to help you out so much in this area, it creates so much belief in you while you're doing this. This is why, like being in this environment where you have somebody who you can lean into in that respect is very, very helpful because that belief will translate into you and what it is that you're doing. Right. So

Questions That Create A New Frame

SPEAKER_01 5:45

when I was having this conversation, I asked him two powerful questions. Okay. Two powerful questions. The first one was how could the fact that you and your wife are both going through this, how could talking about it create more connection with her than ever before? And when I asked that question, he stopped. And then I could see everybody else's faces like in in the room go, I never thought about that. And he's like, Well, actually, we could probably work together at this and solve this problem so we never have to deal with it again, but approach it in a way that this can actually create more connection, not disconnection. And so I was talking him through like, what would that look like? And what we decided on is he was gonna have a conversation with his wife saying, Hey, I've noticed I'm struggling with this thing. And the thing is, is that I bring my phone with me and I have it, and it's there during family time. And I value you guys and spending undivided attention with you guys more than anything in business or my phone or anything. And I really want to make sure that I'm connecting with you on a deep level. But I need some help with this. Because the story that I tell myself is that if I don't answer this phone, I'm gonna lose a client. And if I lose a client, I'm not gonna have enough money to be able to support the family. And it's just this nuclear option. When in fact, in this scenario, what I most want to do is connect with you. So I'd love like some help with this. Like, first off, like, can you maybe give me some tips or maybe some things that maybe you have experienced that maybe would be helpful for me? But then also, like, can we talk about this when it comes up? Because I really want some help to work through this and you can call me forward when this happens. We don't call it call you out, we call it call you forward. So, can you call me forward in this area? I'm not gonna get upset and frustrated because I really want to show you guys just how much I really do love you. And so that's the scenario. And he's gonna come back to us next week and share how that went. But that was a belief shift for him. Yeah. And the belief is hey, we're having this struggle, and when we talk about it, we actually create more disconnection. Well, I offered him, well, like, how could this actually create more connection? Because I remember somebody was talking about like the whole idea of connection comes in the repair. Like, connection doesn't come with everything's just going hunky dory and everything's fine. Connection usually comes through like a struggle, or maybe you're focused on something else and you just picture yourself and you're like, I gotta stamp myself back into this. And you verbalize it out loud about how important it is to you and that you're gonna work on getting better at it. Here's the steps you're gonna take. When people see you doing that stuff, it actually means a lot more when you're working through it than if it just all comes easy, right? And when you can see, when you can shift your belief and get you to see, like, hey, this can actually be something that actually benefits you. This can actually make your relationship even stronger. It just changes the game.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

When you think about that, why do you think framing it that way matters so much?

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Well, for one, I mean, it also kind of like breaks that pattern of belief. And then now you're kind of looking at other situations, kind of like in that same light, right? Where it's not just in this situation where it's about the phone, it could be something else that's going on. And now you're thinking, okay, well, what can be the benefit of working on this, right? Rather than shying away from it because you feel like it's gonna be a lot of trouble and it's gonna cause uh fights or whatever, right? So reframing this one thing in this situation can help in other situations. So it'll give you kind of like the confidence to kind of tackle some other things. So I think that's why it really matters.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Yeah. Yeah. One thing I want to bring up with this whole idea is before I asked him that question, that belief and answer still existed.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

He just wasn't aware of it. So when a coach asks you a question, it can kind of sometimes feel a little jarring in the moment because it's like, really? I could believe that. But that answer was always there beforehand. Right. I mean, just before this call, we had this kind of like group get together where we were um helping people with some coaching, right? And one of the things that I asked one of the amazing people who was there had a lot to do with his experience, his knowledge, how what he does is unlike what anybody else does, how good he is at what he does, what kind of impact does that make in that person's life? Like those kind of questions, right? And whenever I ask those questions, and people get to tap into what they've been able to overcome, the things they've they have gotten stronger because of, where it felt like they were going to break down, but now it's something they they actually go back to in their mind so they can actually get through the next hard thing. The truth is, is those are always there. Those beliefs and those perspectives are always there. It's just nobody asked them the question to find it.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Right. And I find this to be the case so much. Even people who were like, they've tapped into that perspective before. They were on fire and been excited before, but then they kind of forget about their amazingness, about their power, about all the mountains they've climbed, all the things that they've been able to overcome, right? And when you start asking them those questions and they start tapping into that, it's amazing how you can see people transform. And nothing changed but their perspective. Yeah. Because I got them to focus on a perspective that gets them to show up as their best self, which is more than capable of dealing with whatever they have in front of them. That's what I like to do on these calls is not ask them, hey, so what do you think you could do to make it so you put your phone down in advance, right? Which is what a lot of people will do. And those are mentors. And it's okay if you're doing that, but just know that you're not coaching, as opposed to asking a question that gets them to see the entire situation from a different perspective. I want to share the perspective that we actually tapped into when I started asking these questions, right?

Phone Boundaries That Build Respect

SPEAKER_01 11:16

When you really value family in this situation, which is the underlying thing that I hear through this conversation. If you didn't value family, this wouldn't be a conversation that you'd be bringing up.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

It wouldn't even cross your mind. So to me, I'm like, this guy values family. And I have to say that there are people that are out there that if you chose your family over answering the phone, it would actually make them want to be your clients more than not be your clients. So I have this conversation with my clients a lot where they'll send me a message like at six o'clock or seven o'clock at night, and they don't get a message back from me. They get a message back the next morning. And so many times I've gotten a message back saying, Hey, sorry for sending you that message so late at night, but I just wanted to say like how much I appreciate you for not responding to it because it got me to see that I want to value my family as much as you value yours. And because of the fact that I didn't pick up the phone, it actually made them want to be clients because they're like, that's the kind of person that I want to be. I don't want to pick up phone calls at seven o'clock, eight o'clock, nine o'clock at night when it's family time. If it's family time, it's family time. And I want to have those boundaries because I really do care for my family. And now I feel like because you did that and you're at the level that you're at, that I can do that for myself too. So through this conversation, I asked him, I'm like, I have a question. For the people who decide that, you know, they try and call you at night and you decided that you didn't pick up the phone. And the next time you talk to them, you let them know, like, hey, I saw you call the other day, sorry I couldn't pick up. It was family time. I'm like, how much more respect do you think you're gonna get from them to know that you chose family over them, which I would hope you do, like 10 times out of 10, but how much more respect do you think they'll have for you? And what do you think would happen if the person didn't have respect for that? And he was like, Well, I guess he's trying to work with the wrong person. And I said, Exactly. Because if you try to call at eight or nine o'clock and somebody doesn't get back to you and they decide that they're not gonna work with you because of that, they were never meant to be your client.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Those are the kind of clients that we try to convince to work with us, and then we have to convince them to take action. We have to convince them to show for their calls, we have to convince them to do, and it's like, those are the worst clients ever. You guys, here's the thing like I have found some of the best clients, the ones that I actually enjoy a lot, probably listening to this podcast right now, because I love working with people who value their family just as much as I do. And so through this conversation, getting him to see that, wow, actually, me not answering my phone will actually help me identify the right clients for me to help and help me empower the ones who maybe are struggling with the same thing that I am to not do that. Because if I'm doing that, then maybe they're gonna convince themselves not to do their, you know, seven or eight o'clock, nine o'clock phone calls with their family. And that is really empowering to feel. And so he left the call. Number one, knowing that he's going to be able to put his phone down because he knows that when he doesn't answer those calls and he has that next conversation with them and he lets them know why this is the case, it's gonna help him identify if he's chosen the right clients or not. And more likely than not, they're gonna be like, I really respect that.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

But number two, he's gonna allow this to actually help him create more connection with his wife than ever before. And it came from something that he brought to a coaching session where he's like, I'm being challenged by this. This is something that I don't know what to do. I can't get unstuck from this. And he left with a plan that was different than any plan he had ever done before. And I could feel the energy from him, but also feel the energy from all the other guys who were on the call, going, that was crazy. I had never thought about the whole having like challenges and stuff like this, but actually allowing them to grow closer. I have three or four examples. This is what they said, of when that actually was true. Cause now they're like searching for all the truth of that. When you when you get a new belief planted, you start to search for all the truth, even though before your brain was telling you about all those other things. So that's why I wanted to bring this here to this episode. Yeah. So anything else coming up for you?

SPEAKER_00 15:16

I think this is like one of those things that a lot of people can relate to. And now they can not just think about, oh, what are some of the tips? What are some of the strategies that I can use to help me with this when we know that that's not always the case? Now they're going to be able to see things a little bit differently and maybe find a perspective that they can really focus on. Maybe it's not family, maybe it's something else, maybe it's their health or whatever, right? So I think that this is a topic that just is really helpful for a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Yeah. One thing

Discipline Runs Out; Perspective Sticks

SPEAKER_01 15:48

I want to bring up before we get into this episode is just this whole idea of kind of forcing yourself to like take action, right? Like a lot of people call it discipline, and some people call it like motivation to get started, that kind of stuff, right? And I am always under the impression or I have this belief that I could actually get myself to do something that I know I want to do that's going to produce a certain result in my life. And I could find a belief or a perspective that will make me want to do it. Not just want to do it, but like excel at it, make it be my thing. And sometimes it takes time to find those, especially if you're just getting started with this whole idea of coaching. Sometimes it's hard to find that perspective. That's why we actually have these podcasts. So I can plant some of these perspectives. That's why we have our clients that we can actually find these perspectives in, right? But it's not just about forcing yourself to do things, even though from time to time you may have to resort to that. But we have a limited amount of discipline, right? We have a limited amount of motivation. Yes. And when you can find a perspective that makes you want to do that thing, he's like looking forward to the time that somebody calls him right now and he can't pick it up. He's like literally looking forward to it because he's like, now I can have this conversation with my wife. Now I can do that. It's crazy when that shifts, but you have to be willing to find that perspective. And sometimes it's asking that question that maybe throws you a little bit off balance, but you didn't even realize that you were believing that in that moment.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

I want to

Reflection Prompts And Next Steps

SPEAKER_01 17:09

ask you guys to sit with something. Okay. I want you to think about what's an area of your life that you've been trying to work on alone that if you brought someone else into it, you both could benefit, meaning you would actually be more connected to them because you actually work through this simultaneously. And while you're thinking about that, I'm curious what's the story that you've been telling yourself that actually keeps fueling the old actions that you are taking right now? And what's a story that you could try on for size to see how you could actually produce a different action? So, two takeaways from this one. What's an area of your life that you're trying to work out alone that if you worked with somebody else, it'd actually benefit both of you? And number two is what's the perspective or the story that you've been telling yourself that kind of makes you feel like you have to take that old action? And what's a new perspective or story that can reframe that that will actually make you want to take the different one? Because that's really what this is all about. It's being able to find those perspectives and find those stories. All right, guys, we appreciate you guys for listening. And if you want some help with working through this, but also with the implementation part of this, that's what a lot of people want help with. Yes, the perspective part, but also the implementation, you taking action. Don't hesitate to reach out. We have a quick quiz at moderleadership.us forward slash quiz that ask you some questions around where we can help you with. We'll jump on a call. That call is completely free. Some people decide at the end that they want some help with implementation, and that's awesome. Even if they just get on a call and they just get some clarity around something that they're struggling with, we'll be able to help you out with that. But don't hesitate to fill that out. All right. There is answers that are out there. You have to be willing to get uncomfortable and raise your hand to find them. So, all right, guys, thank you for all you do out there. And we'll see you guys on the next episode. And above all, keep leading from the front. Bye, everybody. Bye.