How to Show Up as Your Best Self When the Pressure Is On

The Two Versions Of You

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So there's a version of you that handles things well. You're calm, you're clear, you're present, and you've seen that person. You know what it feels like, and then the pressure hits. Maybe you have a hard conversation, maybe you need to make an important decision, or maybe somebody starts to push back. And you notice very quickly that a different person, a different version of you, shows up. One you didn't actually choose, and you didn't actually know that you could actually stop. But see, here's the thing. It's not that you didn't know better, it's that knowing better stopped working the moment that it actually mattered. And today we're talking about why pressure changes, who shows up, and what it actually takes to close that gap. So you're listening to Modern Leadership Coaching. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

And this is where we talk about what it actually takes to lead people, including ourselves, well. So today we're gonna be talking about that gap between who you are when things are comfortable and who shows up when the stakes are high, when the pressure gets high, right? And the gap isn't random and it isn't a character flaw. I want to make sure that we call out the people thinking they're broken. It just has a specific cause. And once we can see it clearly, and we're gonna really take some time to dive into that today, it becomes something that you can actually work with and improve.

Labels Trap Your Identity

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Not the way that you think it's going to, though.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

All right. So most people assume that how they show up under pressure is just who they are. Like that's their default setting. Why isn't that true? And why does that distinction actually matter?

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yeah. So I think the biggest thing here is there's this idea of labels that we put on ourselves. And when we start talking about ourselves in the realm of labels, it has a lot to do with identity, with thoughts and with belief. Um but if you start convincing yourself that you're just an angry person, you're going to default to being an angry person. And I think the biggest issue here is that when you give yourself a label, you're kind of trapped in the box. It means that you cannot respond in any other way. So when I think about how people show up under pressure, it's a learnable skill to start showing up as the coolest, calmest person, lowest heartbeat in the room. And there's ways that you can focus on that so you can get yourself to show up as the best version of you. But if you have any blocks, if you have any labels that you put on yourself, do you have any things that you're like, you're always this type of person, you remove the fact that you can change this and you basically give power to um that block of being an angry person and never allowing yourself to change.

The McMuffin Anger Wake-Up Call

SPEAKER_01 2:33

So one of the things that comes up for me in this is should we talk about the Hank McMuffin story right away? Yeah. So I used to be a very angry person. And I can still actually feel it sometimes start to boil up, but now I have some tools to be able to avoid that. But when I was younger, I was very angry. I noticed that I would get into this label of just I'm an angry person, and then I would start responding and reacting that way. Let me give you a perfect example of this. It's a little bit embarrassing, and some of our clients know this, some of them don't. But I feel like it's important to kind of share this because this was the day that I realized that I had a problem and I started to work on it, but it did take me decades to be able to conquer. I would go to the McDonald's that was across the street from me, and I would go there all the time. I know a lot of people know that I was 100 pounds overweight. I ended up losing 100 pounds, but I didn't gain the hundred pounds by not going to McDonald's and not thinking that that was just uh an easy way of getting breakfast and lunch like almost every single day. And so when I would do that, I would go in the morning and I don't know why, but they would always get my order wrong. They would always get it wrong. I'm like, this is what I would like, please. And no matter what, it would be like something else different. And to some point I thought it was like, are they just joking with me? Like, is this is this like coke? Right?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

I'm like, are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_01 3:50

So what'd you order? Was it complicated? No, it was like the sausage McMuffin with egg. But they would always give me like an egg McMuffin. One time they gave me the pancakes. Once I was like, like, how are you like specifically looking out for me? Right, which is not like here comes that guy again. So anyway, I was kind of an a-hole about it, to be honest. Because the last time your breaking point story, my breaking point, yes, exactly. I went there and I was like, listen, okay, listen, I really want this breakfast sandwich. And I'm not sure what's going on. If there's something like going behind the scenes, but like every time I get the wrong thing, can you please get my order right? I feel like I just want to punch myself in my face. And they're like, okay, yeah, sure, buddy, we'll give you the reason. This is why when you're actually going out to eat as a police officer, you don't tell them that you're a police officer when you're ordering it because sometimes you they could spit in your food. But anyway, so um, so I get home and I'm like, I know 100% these people gave me the right stuff. And so I remember going into my room and I open it and it's an egg McMuffin. And I don't know what came over me if I was like consumed, but I grabbed the egg McMuffin in my hand and I squeezed it as hard as I could, and the egg and the cheese is coming out, and I threw it against the door, my door. And I remember going, What in the world am I doing? Because not only is that embarrassing, nobody was there to watch it. I think my dad was at work, but I remember I had to clean it up afterwards. And then I don't know, maybe it taught me a lesson, but I remember cleaning it up and having to take it off of like the carpet and all that kind of stuff and going, What is going on right now? And I remember that story very vividly because I did have this belief that's like I'm just an angry person, but I also had this belief of like, um, somebody's purposefully doing this to me, right? And telling myself that story or that perspective really created a lot of quote unquote anger inside of me. When in reality, like other people have gotten people's orders wrong. Plenty of people have gotten my orders wrong since then. And I've responded in a totally different way. But it's because I was like, no, this is just who I am. I'm an angry person. Somebody's out to get me. Why are they doing this to me? Like going down that thought spiral literally would make it so that my response to these kind of situations was anger. And I really didn't know how to cope with it. I didn't have the capacity to be able to hold this right at the time. And so the reason why I want to share that is because when I was realizing that I was kind of like trapping myself and not being able to change, there was something that I don't know, it was kind of like this feeling of maybe there's something else here that you can do other than react this way because this is actually not helping. This is actually making situations worse. And if I keep telling myself these same things over and over again, I'm gonna keep doing the same thing and I'm gonna be making every other situation in my life worse instead of looking for other ways of being able to cope with this stuff, right? Because this there's gonna be times when people get your order wrong. There's gonna be times when people tell you things that maybe are gonna trigger you, right? But it's like how we respond to those instead of react to them is really important. And that was the day that everything didn't change that day, by the way. But it is a constant reminder. I mean, what? I'm 48 right now. I still remember that when I was 19. It was a constant reminder that something needed to change. I didn't know what needed to change, and we're gonna talk a little bit about that today, but I knew that I needed to change, and that's why that part matters.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Yeah. And I mean, you know, that that example, like we're laughing about it, right? But we always talk about how we apply this to other areas of our lives, that it transcends other areas of our lives, right? So what if that situation was different? What if it was somebody else triggered you, like a relationship or something like that? And then your reaction would be anger, right? So, like we we joke about it, but like there are situations that are serious where that could have been your moment, right? Um, you know, thankfully it was just an egg McMuffin, right? But who knows? If you wouldn't have taken care of that, it would have translated into other areas, right?

SPEAKER_01 7:58

100%.

What Pressure Reveals Underneath

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Okay, so I have a question for you related to what's happening in that moment. So what is happening underneath the surface when pressure hits and a different version of us tends to take over?

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think you kind of mentioned this earlier about our perspective, right? You might have thought all of these different thoughts about why it was happening to you, right? So we tend to be reactive when these situations happen. And when we're reactive, not the best version of ourselves comes out. It's whatever is brewing underneath is what comes out. And it's whatever our perspective is with that situation. So for example, like I'll give you a real example of like what happened, I think it was last week. So our kids are 15 and 17, and there's this expectation that they have their stuff together because they're almost adults. So I still have to go in there and tell them, hey, it's time to go brush your teeth, get your hair done and everything. We got we gotta go. And you know, our oldest will sometimes start to, depending on what's going on at school, he'll start this thing where my stomach hurt, or this, and and like we kind of know it's coming depending on how he is responding. So the other day we knew something was happening that day. I don't know if it was a test or a project that I needed to turn in or something. And like he had this face and I could already start, like my perspectives were already coming up. Like, here we go again. And he's like, My stomach is hurting. And I was like, and I reacted. I did not like, you know, show concern or ask him questions. I was like, oh my God, here we go again. And I don't I don't remember what I said, but he reacted to me too. Like he got upset, and then I was like, you know what? I'm done. I hadn't even started and I was already done. My reaction was based off of whatever perspective I had. And it was probably like, here we go again, because he tends to do this, right? And not the best version of me came out and like I was snappy, and I think you kind of came around and to save the day, because you're the one that is more calm and like, okay, let's see what's happening. And I feel like I will do that sometimes. Like, sometimes my default is the reactive version of me, but sometimes my default is you because I'm like, he'll take care of it. And it's like I feel more free to just kind of like let those emotions, like my anger or just being sad or whatever, like those, like I'm free to do it because I know that you're gonna take care of it, especially when it comes to the kids. So what I'm trying to say is what's happening underneath is a perspective that pops up, whatever perspective that is, based on the situation, based on the relationship, which we're gonna talk about in a little bit. But that that's what, you know, that's what's usually happening underneath.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah. Yep. Thanks for sharing that. By the way, I do think like I I want to put on something different too, just because like a lot of people who listen probably have kids, right? And I think like the dynamic that you and I have is that when one person is one way, the other person knows to step in. Because like it's it's the opposite to sometimes where I'm the one who's like get frustrated by whatever my thoughts are in that moment. And then you kind of like step in to be able to do that, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:41

So I well, because it's easy, because we're not like attached to the thought. Exactly. Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

But we also understand that. I know this is a little bit of a detour, but I just think about like how this skill of coaching, our tools, our coaching tools, how has it impacted us?

Tag Teaming In Marriage And Parenting

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Like not only as a relationship, but also like when it comes to like with the kids, when it comes to obviously business, when it comes to except when I'm in the car.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Except when I'm driving. Okay with Theresa in the car, okay? Because she's the nice she will flip you off until you're like right next to her, and then she'll be like, Oh, hi, how are you? No, it's not that bad.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Okay. I'll take a video of it. We'll share it. Um But yeah, like um uh being able to work in synergy like this, like I I also just want to acknowledge and appreciate you for that because you didn't have to learn coaching. You didn't have to get into this kind of stuff. You didn't have, I mean, you saw me doing it and you just got like super interested in doing it. And I I know there's a lot of like husband-to-wife combos that are like, oh, I really wish my husband or I really wish my wife would know this and really develop these coaching tools so we could be able to handle all these things together. But I'm curious, like, what would you say to that? To people who are saying, I man, I really wish that my husband or my wife were able to do something like that so we could tag team.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

We talk about this a lot, is like then you need to master it. You are gonna be the example, you're gonna be that role model, right? Because you can't, you can't make somebody do something. Right, right. And it's just how it happened with us. Like you didn't say, Hey, you need to do this because you really need to work on yourself, right? Like that didn't happen. And you know, if it did, then I'd probably, you know, well, you guys did in in the fitness realm in the beginning. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was different. But you didn't have coaching then, the way that you do now, right? Yeah. So yeah, it probably would have been different if it would have been in reverse. Yep. But I I think that that's that's my answer. Like it's it starts with you. Yeah.

Finding The Trigger Thought

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Okay, so let's talk about this gap between the version of yourself you know exists and kind of like the version that shows up when it counts. So how does someone even begin to close that gap?

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Okay, so I'm gonna hit it from a couple different angles here. And this might be something that we're probably gonna talk about a little bit later too, but like there are times and situations where you do respond instead of react, right? It's usually not a blanket thing. Like a lot of times we want to put labels on ourselves to like to take the out. But if we look at this, there's times when you're under pressure that you are cool, calm, and collected. There's times when you're like, hey, this is where I shine, right? Give me the ball. I'm gonna shoot the game winning shot. Right. It's like there's times in certain areas of your life where you do that. And then there's times when you don't, right? And it could like you could examine like, is it the relationships? Is it an area of my life? Is it when we talk about money? Is it when like like really seeing like, hey, what are some of those quote unquote triggers or things that get me to go down the reactive way? You know, a lot of people talk about like awareness being the power of change, and I do agree with that partially, but it's awareness and taking action towards that awareness. And and when you can start to see that, you can start to see where those gaps exist and see like what is that initial trigger? What is that first thought that I have like I thought on purpose, believe it or not, and started to cascade all of these other things down, right? So I work with a lot of clients and we have some clients we're working through related to like relationships, right? And there's usually an initial trigger, what we call the reality. By the way, I know we talked about like the growth model a couple episodes ago. So definitely if you have not visited that one, check out that bonus episode to really understand what we're talking about. But there is reality, there's things that are happening outside of you, and you can consider them triggers. Like when those things happen, for some reason, that other version of you comes out. That's where the work is. The work is figuring out what is the thought that I had just before I actually went down that path. And then realizing that you have the ability to choose it. Going back to what I was saying in the beginning of like there are spaces that you have been able to choose this. Um, I was on a call with a client the other day, and he was talking about how his wife is reading like a really great book around thoughts, around reprogramming her mind, what we're making things mean, all that kind of stuff, right? And so she started talking to him about it and he was really excited. So they like reached out to the person who wrote this book, got into their program, and they're like now joining together to go through and learn this thought work, which now that I say it is like very similar to us, right? Because we went through this and that's what brought us closer together. But when he talked to me related to that, I said, Hey, I'm curious, what made you feel really good about that? And he was like, Well, because my wife and I we're on the same team. We're on the same team, we're both looking to grow and we're looking to build a really strong relationship. And so I stopped him for a second. I said, That is amazing that you chose that path. And he kind of looked at me and I'm like, Because I work with a lot of people in relationships. And when their husband or their wife brings them, like, hey, this is what I'm learning about. This is what I think we can work on, they go the opposite direction. And their opposite direction response is like, I have to work on it. No, I think you need to work on it. I don't know what's going on here. Like, I'm not terrible at this, right? Or they go the opposite direction of like, I suck. I must be a terrible parent. I must be What are they trying to say? Correct. Like, what are you trying to tell me? Right? Are you trying to hint that I suck at this, right? I'm like, but you chose to go down that path. You chose to respond in a way where it's like, I feel like this is gonna be amazing. You had a choice there. You didn't know you did, which is why I always think that's step one, is knowing that you have a choice where your brain goes, right? And by the way, when I say like you have a choice, I don't mean that the first thought is not gonna pop in your mind. It's probably gonna pop into your mind because it's literally been wired over the decades to go down that path. But you can stop it. You can actually find a different thought. But how could this work out? But how could this make us better together? But how could this be the thing that we've actually been looking for? And you can start creating different thoughts on purpose, different perspectives on purpose and create an entirely different experience. I'm like, but you did this on default. Did you realize that? And he was like, he's like, I never even realized that. Yeah, my brain went down that path automatically. So that shows him that he's done it before and that he could do it again. It's just we have to now focus that attention on what's that one trigger that you want to focus on this week to really make sure that you are showing up, not just on the easy times, but in the hard times too.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Yeah, I love

Why Family Hits Harder

SPEAKER_02 17:59

that.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

So, how does this show up differently depending on the relationships? We kind of talked about that. Sometimes a team member will go through something, or maybe you're coaching a client and they'll go through something. But then if your family goes through that same thing, sometimes you show up a little differently, right? So I'm curious what comes up for you in terms of why does it depend on that?

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Yeah, we had like this pre-conversation about this, and it was really interesting because what I was thinking was that we have obviously different dynamics with these different relationships, right? Of course, your relationship with your coaching client, your relationship with your coworkers, your team members is gonna be different than your relationship with your family, right? So I think with like when it comes to family, like we have these expectations or we have these standards for how they should show up, right? And then it dictates how we show up. For example, like let's say your kid comes to you with like, oh, I I failed my test, right? And if your client came to you with something like, I failed at this, it would be a different response. It would be like, oh, well, you know, let's talk about it. It would go down like a different path. Whereas maybe you're dynamic with your child, it's like you expect more from them or something, like you have really high standards for them. And then maybe you react in a way that could be negative. It could be like, how could you? How could you fail? Like you didn't study, I told you this was gonna happen, and things like that. And other times it could be, hey, I know you can do this, I know you can. Let's work on this so that it doesn't happen again. So there are like these different versions of ourselves that can show up depending on the relationship. And it really depends on what the history is and things like that. And I'm not sure what you think about why that is, like why we show up differently. Obviously, it makes sense when it comes to a professional relationship or a personal relationship, right? But why do you think that happens?

SPEAKER_01 19:56

It has a lot to do with our belief system, like the thoughts that we have and deeper beliefs. So this isn't something that is the same for everybody. This is this is why like it's so powerful to find your way and having your coach to go through this because everybody is going to be different, right? Some people think that it's harder to coach themselves around being in the boardroom or coaching other clients. Some people find it's harder to coach and help their kids or their spouse or to have conversations like that. For me personally, I think having to do with family. I heard this described to me last week, and it's like being able to not react to your family is kind of like the final boss in Super Mario Brothers, which is like the hardest boss to fight. And you probably have to learn how to get past the other levels first before you get to that level. But sometimes it's because of the past relationships. It could be because of history, it could be because of the way that you grew up, it could be the way that your teachers or your friends or whoever used to talk to you all the time. It could be the friends that you're hanging out with, it could be your family who's like, you know what, you shouldn't let them treat you like that. It's just a lot of different influences when it comes to like building up your belief system. And so there's a belief or story that you're telling yourself about that mistake with a client versus the difference between a mistake from your kid. And it could be deep rooted, you're like, well, if my kid's failure of this test is a direct reflection on me. But you're maybe not thinking about that related to your client. Of course. Or it might be vice versa. Maybe your client is like, you know, I'm not doing well in terms of my business, right? And now you're taking that as a direct attack on you versus when your kids do it, you'd respond differently, right? So it's kind of like this thing where it has to do a lot with your belief system, how you grew up, what you allowed to be written into your belief system, what you didn't allow, what your family, like there's so many different things that could have popped up that could have created that for you. And here's the thing like, there's some people and some coaches and stuff like that that spent a lot of time thinking about that. I honestly think it's kind of a waste of time unless you are non functioning. If you're non functioning, go see a therapist and have them like rework through this. But spending any amount of time thinking about like where this initially came from, I don't find to Be super helpful, it like literally takes more time and energy and focus of you away from it rather than just saying, okay, this is the path that I go down when I have this thought. Let's find a new one. Let's actually create something different, right? And being able to focus on something different and being able to change and transform how you're showing up in that moment, knowing it's not going to be perfect. But the amount of time that I see people just like think about it over and over and over and over again for like months and months and months. I got to find out why I have this belief. I'm like, is that going to change something? You're just going to be like, oh, here's the reason why. I know that sometimes we want to like think it through that term, but I've never found it to be helpful. I found it that it gets people off track versus processing it, knowing that it's there. And then what am I going to do about it? Living in that kind of zone, I think is the most helpful. But if you're non-functioning, by the way, I'm going to tell everybody to go see a therapist. Like if you're not able to function because of that belief, go see a therapist. They're going to be able to beautifully unwind that. I've gone to see them seven times in my life, and every time they've been super helpful, but it's different than what a coach would do, which is taking somebody who's moving and getting them to elevate even higher.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Yeah. Yeah. And I also think, you know, you talk about like how this is belief driven. But also I think there's a comfort level that comes with it, right? Different relationships, because you could even take a coaching client where you first start off and you don't know that person. But as the, you know, maybe you can have that client months or for years, right? And then from the beginning, you're kind of like a different version of yourself because you don't know the person. But once you get to know them, then maybe you're a little bit more comfortable in calling them out, right? Or like saying, hey, you know, I notice you keep doing this. There is that different comfort level. And that could be, you know, with different relationships too. Like when you first start off with your boyfriend and girlfriend, and then it's different when you've been married for 20 years, right? So there's also that comfort level that comes

Building Capacity Through Coaching

SPEAKER_02 23:48

into play.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah, I one thing that I do want to bring up because I mean you're still on point with that, is I've been really studying this whole idea of capacity recently. And when you first learn how to coach or you first get your first coach, your capacity is much lower. And by being able to really understand how your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, right? Like going through the growth model, going through like whatever resources that you have, being able to see that, it starts to build your capacity and your capacity to hold different opposing things where you start to become more aware of the things that are going on. Just because you're more aware doesn't make it easier to go down the conscious side. It's still super easy to go down the unconscious side, but it's your capacity to see both of them and then to choose which path you go down. And so even as you're starting off with clients, there's this piece that I don't think people grab onto unless they've actually been coached. And that is like when you first start getting to be coached by anybody, anybody at all, right? No matter what level you're at, you're at a certain capacity level, meaning you are able to handle a certain number of things. But as you get good at using the skills and the tools of coaching and the person coaches you through it, your capacity grows exponentially, right? It grows so that you can hold the capacity of, I want to create a multi-million dollar business and I want to be the best dad on the planet. And so you can actually reach that capacity, but you have to develop that capacity along the way. So even like when you're starting with a client, when you're starting in this first thing, I don't say, let's tackle all these at once. It's like, let's pick one, let's go through it, let's develop the capacity to understand this is happening and then start to build on it from there. And so as you're going, there's a lot of tangible results with coaching, but there's a lot of intangible results when it comes to coaching, right? But when you think about your capacity to hold something, that is one of the intangible things that will create so much tangible results in your life, will be incredible. How many times do we have a conversation with somebody and they're like, Yeah, I had to put my business on hold because of XYZ? Let's be real. We could have very easily said that with what's going on with you. Yeah, I got to take a step back from business because of what's happening to you. But my capacity is way higher than that. It is like, no, that is not even an option. How could I take care of you as best as I possibly can and grow the business? And not only that, like, how could I make the fact that both of these things are happening simultaneously to be able to excel in both? And it's because there's a capacity issue. And how many times people have started and stopped and started and stopped, right? I mean, we used to do that too. I used to do that all the time with my health and fitness, right? But it's being able to understand that focusing on your capacity to be able to hold both, that's really where that gold mine is. And these are things that don't get talked about enough in coaching because it's like, well, what am I gonna get from this? Like this coaching thing, right? And I'm like, there's a lot of intangible things that you're gonna get that's gonna lead you to so many tangible things. It's gonna change your life forever. And this is what happens when you not only learn these, but you keep getting this level of coaching to keep developing your capacity, right?

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Yeah, no, I love that. I love I love the way you frame that. And like you were saying, usually it's the intangible stuff that happens because that is gonna equip you to create the tangible results. So yeah, I love that. All

Stop Using Tactics To Fix Thoughts

SPEAKER_02 26:58

right. So what's that thing that most people try first when they notice this gap? So they're seeing that there's a version of themselves that they are, but they want to get to this next version and they notice that gap. Why does it usually not work when they start to attempt to close that gap?

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Yeah, so they start looking for strategy and tactics. They don't go to the internal work, they go to the external. They're like, what can I do? Maybe I can have a thumbtack in my foot and like push the thumbtack in when this happens so that way I can experience pain and take myself out of the moment. Like, I've heard people try the weirdest stuff where they're like, okay, what tactic can I do? What book can I read? All of this kind of stuff. And they don't go inside to actually find out what is actually going on. And you're gonna hear a lot of outside external things that people have tried that have worked, but only after they really tackle what's going on inside. If you keep trying to tackle inside problems with outside advice, you're never gonna succeed. And it has nothing to do with your ability or that whether you can or can't do anything or that you're broken. It's just you're trying to solve the wrong problem. And I see it all the time. And I see it in coaches giving advice to other people. And I'm like, no, stop doing that. That is painful to watch somebody give some mentoring when they need to give coaching, right? They need to figure out what's actually the thought that is actually creating that, right? What's the thought error that's going on that's never gonna change your outcome or your results, right? And by being able to get in there and show that to someone, that is the important part of the work. So when I see people do that, when I see them go down there, especially if they're getting advice from a coach to do that, I'm like, that is the worst advice ever. And if you can't tell, I'm I get a little bit animated about this because I'm like, how many coaches or how many people have gone down the path of trying to fix the wrong problems? And then they now made it mean that it's not possible for them. Yeah. And I'm like, no, that is not the case. You were just trying to solve the wrong problem. And if you get back in the fight and we try to solve the right problem, it's not gonna be like a light switch turning off and on. But when you do, you're gonna get some really incredible results. And accidentally, people who don't know how to coach will plant that. Or they're using ChatGBT or they're using Claude in an area where Claude is trying to give you tactical things to do. And if there's something else underneath the surface that's like causing you to be stuck, Claude doesn't know, or Chat GPT doesn't know to ask you those questions. And by the way, those are really powerful resources. We use them all the time, but I don't get them to tell me how to think. That is not the job of Claude or ChatGPT. If it's telling me how to think, I'm like, stop, ask me some questions, give me like five different ways we could do this, and I'll decide based off of that, right? Because it doesn't know what's going on in my brain. And it doesn't know to ask questions about what's going on in my brain or my past or my history. And a coach does, a good coach, somebody who actually understands how to coach. So sorry, had to go a little bit on the tantent, but that's something that like is very deep and meaningful to me because like when I think about what we're doing here and how we're teaching our coaches, it is not to give them the ability of mentoring and planting seeds in people in a way that is actually going to hurt them. That pisses me off and it makes me frustrated because there's like a very low barrier of calling yourself a coach. And of like, you want to call yourself a coach, but you're really a mentor. That's where I get super frustrated because you can hurt people by accidentally telling them what to do. And then they take it as like, oh, this is something that's not possible for me because you planted that seed.

SPEAKER_02 30:13

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I mean, we've seen it firsthand where we focus on, you know, not mentoring piece, right? When we don't give advice and when we ask questions and we have people kind of find those answers within themselves. That's where we see the biggest transformations, right?

SPEAKER_01 30:30

Yeah. And it doesn't mean that you can't give them some some advice or direction, but after you do the thought and belief work.

Get In Rooms That Change Thinking

SPEAKER_01 30:36

Okay. So last question. And that is for the person listening who knows exactly what we're talking about, because maybe they feel like they're quote unquote trapped in here. They've seen both versions of themselves when they show up as the lowest heartbeat in the room and like how they show up sometimes under pressure. What do you think is the most important thing that they can take away from today?

SPEAKER_02 30:52

Yeah, and I'm I'm gonna make this short um just because like I I feel like this is something that might be on people's minds is that when we when you hear someone say like there's a gap between your current version and the version that you want to be, is like the gap is like the size of the Grand Canyon, right? And it usually is not the case. Like we're a lot closer than we think that we are, and it's just about taking that first step. Not making that gap seem like a long destination or a big leap. It's more of well, what what can I do now? What can I do now to get me closer to that? And then you won't see that gap anymore. You'll just get there to that version that you want to be.

SPEAKER_01 31:33

I love it. I want to share my one takeaway. I don't think we directly talked about it here today, but it's something that's really been on my mind because I signed up for a new mentor, Stacey Bayman. And she is, I mean, she's a really powerful coach. But what she talks about, it sounds like what she's going to teach in her programs is going to be technical, tactical stuff. And she does teach some of that. But when I got into the room, she wasn't teaching you what to do more than she was teaching you how to think. And when you are in a room with somebody who has achieved the level of success that she has achieved, like let's say we want to get to her level, and you see how she thinks in those scenarios, it just changes the game for you because it's not like a tactic on how to sell. It is the stories or the thoughts or the perspectives that you're telling yourself in that moment that just get you to show up in an entirely different level. I really want to point this out for everybody listening. And that is like getting into the right environment that doesn't just tell you what to do, it tells you and teaches you how to think. And when you start to see that, I want you to experience it, what it's like, because you'll come to life. You'll have more energy than you've ever had. Your capacity will grow. And it's because you're putting yourself in the right rooms that stretch you, but at the same time, are around other people who are not going to fan the flames of your limiting beliefs. This probably not a conversation that you're going to have with family, right? It's probably like talking to people in the W-2 world about starting an entrepreneur gig is probably not the best way to do that because you're going to hear all of their beliefs and thoughts about it and the reasons why they can't do it so that they they want to protect you to do it. But if you put yourself into an entrepreneur room, people who are doing this, who are combating it, who don't need their wives or their spouses to support them through it, because to be honest, like why would they believe them when you maybe don't believe in yourself right now, right? You've got to prove that, right? Not only to them, but to yourself too. But putting yourself into that room is the hack, is the cheat code, is putting yourself into a room of other people who choose how to believe on purpose and they can share with you what's been working for them. I think that is the super hack here. Instead of trying to figure it out on your own.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 33:47

Okay, guys.

The Question To Ask In Heat

SPEAKER_01 33:48

So here's the thing. I actually want to end this with a question for you guys. All right. And that is like, I want you to think about the last time a version of you showed up that you didn't recognize or that you didn't like. So think about that last time a version of you showed up either that you didn't recognize or you didn't like. I don't want you to judge your behavior. Instead, I want you to ask this what were you thinking right before that situation happened that made you quote unquote respond that way? So what was it that you were thinking about that situation the second before it happened? That belief is the gap. The gap between not only where you want to be, but like where you quote unquote feel like you're stuck. And that's really where the work lives. So spend some time this week dissecting it, looking into it, and then figure out a different perspective. The great question that I always try to program all my clients into all my clients' brain, which is, how can I be most effective right now? So when the stuff is about to hit the fan, ask yourself, how can I be most effective right now? I promise you it's not beating yourself up. It's not yelling or screaming at your kids because I don't know about you. I've tried to get the kids to move faster. And by doing that, it actually has the opposite effect. But asking yourself, how can you be most effective? And then taking action from that place. Not just asking yourself the question, but actually taking action. And I love to hear what comes up for you guys as you do this. So shoot us a message, shoot us an email. If you're inside our app, respond inside the app. I'd love to hear. And then we'll see you guys next week. Have a great week. Bye, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

Bye.