The Coaching Skill Nobody Knew to Teach Me

The Skill Gap Behind Stuck

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So think about the last time somebody came to you stuck. It could be a teammate, a kid, maybe a client, and you could feel yourself reaching for something whether it's advice, maybe you're trying to reframe it, or even a question. But whatever came out just didn't feel quite enough. And you probably knew it in the moment and you felt it too. That moment actually has a name. And believe it or not, it's not a confidence problem. It's not a personality thing. It's actually a skill gap. And almost nobody has been formally trained to close it. Today, we're talking about what that skill actually is and why caring deeply has never been enough on its own. And what changes when you finally have something to reach for that works. So welcome to Modern Leadership Coaching. I am Mark, and my amazing, beautiful, incredible wife Teresa has taken the day off today. To rest. She'll be back next week. But today, I wanted to make sure that we still had an opportunity to talk about this skill because it shows up really in every role where we are responsible for developing someone else, whether it's as a parent, whether it's in work, whether it's in our coaching. The truth is that when you stumble into this, it's very easy to get yourself and your clients and the people you're trying to impact to lead them more effectively. And that's really what we're going to be talking about here today. Now, Teresa has put together some really powerful questions for me. And I had a chance to look at a couple of them. A couple of them are going to catch me off guard, but I think that's actually best for a podcast episode is to really talk through this process. Just because we have been a creator of coaches and people, leaders, really getting to help them get to the root of what's actually going on. And we notice that a lot of times when people don't have uh the structure in place, they resort to winging it. And that's really what we want to talk about today. Now, here's the first question that Teresa

What Winging It Feels Like

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asked. She said, You talk about winging it in important moments and you say it like it's something specific, not just nerves. What does winging it actually look like in the moment from the inside? Here's kind of like what I found winging it looks like is you get approached by a situation, a scenario. Um, it could be a scenario that you've either personally gone through and you know you're still struggling with. It could be a scenario like, I've never been through something like this before. And what we typically do is we resort to the way that our personality has taught us to be in those scenarios. Sometimes it's cheerleading, sometimes it's giving people advice. Sometimes it's like, here's the three steps for you to take in this scenario. And what we accidentally do is we start to turn into a mentor or a consultant rather than a coach. And I noticed that this happens a lot. And it's it's has a lot to do with like us feeling uncomfortable in the moment. But also when we're uncomfortable, we resort to what we call muscle memory. I remember in the police academy, they were talking about this. They were talking about like when you get under stress, you're immediately gonna go back to your training. And so we have to give you so many repetitions in this specific area so that by the time it happens, you don't have to think. Because you're not gonna think, you're gonna react. And this is what happens is when we are in that moment and we um are quote unquote winging it, we just go back into what we always typically will do. And like I said, we're all wired a little differently. For me, it was being a cheerleader, it was being a motivator and somebody who could get somebody on the other side of the of the Zoom call to get super excited about what they were gonna do. Only when they left, they wouldn't actually go out and do it. And it's because I was just resorting back to my personality rather than an actual skill that will help me deal with that conversation. So that's what it looks like. On the inside, it looks like I don't know what to do. So let me just let my automatic uh whatever personality is, lean in and try to help this person. And I'll be honest, sometimes it works a little bit and sometimes it plants limiting beliefs and it goes the opposite direction. That's why we want to talk about that today, right? Because definitely winging it is not the solution. All right, the next question is why do most people default to fixing or advising when somebody brings them a real problem, even when they know that's probably not what the person needs?

Why We Rush To Fix

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This is gonna be very similar to my last answer. And that is like, we typically, when somebody brings us a situation, we make up a story or perspective about that situation and what they're going through. And we think we know what the actual problem is, and it's just based off of our past and our own experiences. When I jump into a coaching conversation, one of the things I have to do with myself, and this is was much harder early on, is know that I don't possibly know what the right decision or move is for this person. I have might might have my own experience and there might be a time in the session, usually towards the end, where I could share some of these different ideas, but I don't have enough information to actually know what the other person is dealing with or going through. And until I have that, like there's no way for me to give any advice or any direction at all. You will notice this if you start having a conversation. And then before you actually ask those underlying questions to find out what belief is driving their behavior, you give them a podcast to listen to or a journal to read, or you tell them to do a time, you know, audit, something like that, right? And those could be things that the person could really use, but we don't know. We actually just jump into giving advice. This comes from a good place, whether it's giving people advice or consulting, it comes from a place of like, like we call ourselves heart-centered coaches. We want to make an impact in somebody's life. We want to give them what they need, right? And so it comes from this place of uh they're bringing me this problem. So it's probably because they want a solution. And so if I'm not telling them, then I'm not actually helping them. And so it's it's just this thing where, like, in reality, when we realize that it's not about telling them, um, it's about asking enough questions to help them like uh surface the gap and then help show them what's actually going on is the way that we can help them. And then if it makes sense, we can help fix any of technical problems, give them some solutions or ideas, but only after that we've asked them some really great questions, that's really where we can really help people out a lot. Not only help them out, but remember if you're following this show, it's because our goal is to become obsolete, to become the leader and the coach that literally can empower people so they can go out and make their own decisions, take their own actions, knowing they're going to have things that come up that they need help with. And that's what we'll be here for. But we want to be able to empower them to live their life, to make decisions on their own and not being handcuffed to us as the person who's giving them advice, but to make sure that like we can help teach them. That's why we actually guide a lot of our clients, one-on-one clients and people who go through the high impact mastery academy on how to use the growth model because we don't want them to like leave our calls and then have to wait until the next call to be able to do something, right? To be able to move forward. That's why we actually teach that to everybody that we actually have, because we want them to have some type of process, right? So it comes from a good place, a place of caring, but fixing or advising usually is not the most helpful in that moment, especially when you don't know what the actual person needs. All right, next question.

Questions That Quietly Control

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There's a difference between guiding a conversation and controlling it. Walk me through that and what that actually looks like. Yeah, so I have seen this a lot, and that is like, I mean, when people think about questions, they they tend to, and this is actually helpful in some respect, is like they try to make it as simple as possible. And they're like, just as long as I'm asking questions, then I'm not guiding. That is false news. Like if you're asking questions and the motive under the question is to guide them to a very specific point, that is not coaching, that is more guiding. And there's gonna be times for that, but especially not in the early stage of having a conversation. You're not going to, I'm gonna say this like pretty blatant because this is an obvious one, is you jump on and somebody is like, ah, I'm just really struggling with like hitting these goals. And you're like, well, what journal are you reading? So that is a leading question. We're leading them down the path of their answer is a journal, and we have no idea what it is, right? Or what podcast you're listening to, what book are you reading? Now what we're doing is we're planting a seed, like that's the problem. The problem is the book they're reading. So when they go out and read a book, like everything's gonna change. And we know that as coaches, as people who are leaning into personal growth, that that is not what changes people. Like the internal transformation is really what changes people. And some of those books will help them with that, but we actually don't know what their problem is because usually the outward manifestation is not what's actually going on in the inside. And so by being able to have these conversations and not control them, it's really, really important. Because when we're doing that, we're kind of like leading the show. And and I I've seen this actually happen a lot where people do ask random questions. And when they ask random questions, it causes their client to spin and get stuck. So we don't want to ask those kind of questions, which is why asking questions is a skill. It's something for you to lean into and really learn and not just go into it of like, hey, if I'm asking questions, then I'm not giving advice. Because sometimes you're accidentally doing that if you don't understand the whole idea behind how to put together a question well. All right, number four is how does this gap show up differently depending on the role? A manager, a coach, or a parent? Great question. And I think the principles behind it, like some of the principles are the same, but like how we communicate this is differently. So if I'm in a coaching session, I might pull out the growth model, I might walk my client through it, I might show them how they can show up differently next time. I might show them what's actually causing them to be stuck, and I can help them reframe it in the conversation so that way into the next time we can set up a commitment and like how are you going to use this information to show up differently next week? And then we can check in, right? But if I'm a parent, I'm not necessarily gonna do that with my kids. But what I am gonna do is I'm gonna know that this skill still applies and this, like for us, the growth model still works. And I'm gonna think through that lens when I'm actually having a conversation. The same with as a manager or a leader, right? Sometimes we're not gonna sit down and go through like using that exact skill. But when you have a skill that's the universal leadership tool, it's something that

One Skill For Every Role

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will guide the conversation. It's just you have to make sure that you're talking and having that conversation in a way that's gonna land for the other person, which is gonna be different between a coach, a parent, and a manager. By the way, this is one thing that I really like hold near and dear. Like a lot of people want to come into our certification to get better at leading, to get better at coaching, to make sure that that they can help their clients through anything. But one of the things that we do here is we help change on the identity level. And what I mean by that is like, is you start to implement these things into your life because you see them as not only patterns, but like things that are going on, not only in your life, but in everybody else's life that you're having contact with, right? And so when you can take on the identity of a coach, meaning that you don't have to take your coaching hat on or off, it's just always on. That's who you are. You start to see things that other people won't see. You start to see what's actually driving their behavior, what's underneath the scenes, and it helps you have better and deeper conversations. And you don't have to necessarily share all of the steps of your process with somebody, but how you approach it, it'll definitely transform how you show up in that situation. So that is something that is very near and dear to us when it comes to family connection. For me, this is like priority number one and being able to understand this for you and for your kids is going to help you have better conversations for sure. All right, number five, what changes in someone? Not just the skill, but in their presence when they actually know what they're doing in a hard conversation. What do you notice? Confidence. You notice confidence. So as a coach, if you bring me something and I know that I can help you through it, and I know that I'm not going to be guiding you, and I know that I'm not going to resort back into just my personality here, you can feel it. You can feel it when you come and you say, Hey, I'm going through this very difficult situation and this has happened. I'm like, I can 100% help you with that. You ready to dive in? There's a different level of confidence when I'm guiding you through that. Now, what you may not see if you haven't slowed down enough to actually see how you show up is when you're approaching a conversation and you're unsure about that conversation, you're going to show up with a little bit of a lack of confidence. Your client is going to feel that, and the chances of them taking action are actually going to be much lower than if you lean into it and you really do believe that you're confident. I don't mean like fake it till you make it. Like that really doesn't

Confidence You Can Feel

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necessarily work in this scenario. But when you actually have a skill that you've developed, you practice so many times, you've gotten feedback, you've leveled it up, and you're going into a conversation with somebody who doesn't have all of your expertise that you have in this scenario, or at least being able to know how to coach and how the brain works, when you're able to bring that into a conversation, they will feel it and it will translate into their actions. So sometimes what I've noticed is when coaches especially first get started, they wonder why their clients aren't taking action. Sometimes it's because they don't have a skill like this so they can actually get to the root of what's actually going on, but sometimes because they don't show up with the confidence that they need or their client needs in that moment. And it translates into their client. One of the things we have to make sure we do as a coach is we have to believe in our clients, sometimes more than they believe in themselves. And this is how that portrays. This is one of those ways that it comes through. So that's how it changes someone. All right. What's

The Real Cost Of Guessing

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the real cost of continuing to wing it? Not just for the person doing it, but for the people on the other side of those conversations. So the real cost is actually causing your client to be stuck. Here's one of the things is like as I'm having a one-on-one conversation with my clients and I'm walking them through, guiding them through a growth model, sometimes I'll use different tools because there's so many different tools that I've learned as a coach. And if I start to see they're not taking action, they are not continuing to level up when it comes to their actions, their thoughts, their behaviors, their patterns, their habits, those kind of things, then I'm going to make sure that I intently focus on what I can do differently in the next session to make sure that I can hit this from many different angles. So one of my things is I take ownership over the focus of the client, what they really need in that moment, because a client isn't going to know. And I help, yes, I help ask them questions to help identify what's actually keeping them stuck. But I know there's five or six different ways that I can help somebody get unstuck. And if I'm being very intentional with it, I can see, okay, we've tried these two or three things. This is the fourth thing that I want to try. And when we lean in that way, I gotta tell you, like my clients generally don't get stuck anymore. They're in action mode and they come back and they're like, here's what I did, here's the results that I got, what's next? And then we figure out what that next thing is. But if they come back like one or two times in a row where it's like that, I pull out a different tool. I use something different to really be able to help them. I don't just keep doing the same thing over and over and over again because there's nothing more frustrating than trying the same thing over and over and over again, expecting a different result and then not knowing what to do next. And sometimes it can get frustrating, like, I don't even know if it's worth it to try this next thing. And I never want my clients to be there. And how I make sure that they don't get there is I don't wing it. I'm very particular about what I bring to each session. One of the things that my clients really appreciate is being able to hear it from my perspective, but also being able to hear it from Teresa's perspective. Because typically when we have a one-on-one client, we'll even go back and forth with every other call. It'll be me or her because we all have different tools and different respects, like in terms of the things that we really, really focus on. But also, like, like there's so many different tools and strategies and things that I've learned based off of our conversations. I generally will bring something the next week or the next session that I can teach them, that I can train them through to give them a deeper understanding of what came out during the previous session. And I can help personalize it for them. And it's not me winging it, it's me listening, seeing where they're stuck, giving them some options in terms of how they can get out of that. And then from there, if it doesn't work, figuring out a different way or a different strategy to do this. When you think about like how people show up like that, if if you have your own coach and your own coach like has multiple different ways of doing this, like what it would be like if you just felt like the same one over and over and over again, versus actually leaning in and meeting you where you're at, right? But you can't do that if you're winging it. If you're winging it, you're just thinking about in the moment, what can I do to help this person, right? But that forethought, especially beforehand, like before I jump onto a call, I spent so much time beforehand prepping for the call, thinking about some of the different things that I could bring up, some of the different options depending on where the person goes when I ask them some questions. I even asked them some questions before the session to make sure that I have exactly what I need. We can jump in 45 minutes, they are good to go. They leave different than they came in. And it's because I spend so much of that time and that focus and that energy making sure that I'm meeting them where they're at. So that's what the real cost of winging it is, is your client just keeps repeating over and over and over again. So here's what I kind of want to end with.

A Meeting Moment Challenge

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And that is like the people who depend on you are not grading you for your effort. They're experiencing the outcome, what they get as a result of working with you. And there's often a gap between how much you care and how much they actually feel helped. People do want to feel like you do care, but I feel like that's just like the bare minimum. Like you should already be caring. I mean, you wouldn't even be listening to this podcast if you weren't, right? But there's a difference between actually caring for them and actually feeling helped. But that gap is closable only if you stop assuming that caring is the same thing as knowing what to do, and you're willing to ask the right questions to get to the root and meet them where they're at. So here's what I want to do with you guys. I want to give you another scenario. I know we did this a couple podcasts ago, and it seemed like you guys really enjoyed it. I want you to think on this scenario as a what would you do. So I want you to think about you're in the room, you're in a meeting, and somebody gets emotional about a decision that's really been affecting whether it's the team or their life. Everybody in the room goes quiet. Here's the thing you're not the manager, you're not in charge, but you can feel the moment sitting there. Do you say something? Do you stay quiet? And what would you do? What would you do in a scenario like that? And why? So next week we'll come back with our answer to this. There isn't a universal right answer, but I want you to think about you're not the manager, you're not the leader, but you hear this moment and you can feel it sitting in the room. Are you gonna say something? Are you gonna stay quiet? And if you're gonna say something, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna say? And why? We'll follow up with this in the next episode. We'll see you guys then.