How to Stop the Spiral Before It Takes Over

When Anger Starts To Take Over

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So you can feel it starting. Somebody says something, and before you know it, the anger starts to take hold. And before you can stop it, you explode. I want to let you know that that is not a willpower problem. And it's also not a self-awareness problem. You probably have plenty of both of that. But something else is actually running underneath the surface. That's why today we want to talk about what that actually is and why seeing the spiral coming has never been the same thing as being able to stop it. You ready to do that with us? Well, let's

Why Awareness Still Feels Useless

SPEAKER_00 0:32

go. So you're listening to Modern Leadership Coaching, and I am Mark, and my beautiful, amazing wife is not feeling well today. So she has the day off. Yeah, she does. She will be back soon. That I promise you. I know a lot of you guys miss her. Um, she will be back. In terms of today's episode, though, she helped me put together a few different questions to ask to make sure that we help people get to the root of what's actually going on here. And here's the thing like today, we're gonna talk a lot about from the perspective of the person who is self-aware, meaning you actually can watch yourself spiral in real time. And it actually feels more frustrating because you are aware of it and you can't get yourself to stop. Now, today we're gonna be hitting on any emotion that's kind of taking over, right? For me, it was anger. So being a very quote unquote angry person and just saying that's just who I was. That's where I was trapped for a long time. And until I understood what we're gonna talk about today, and I'm gonna be honest, it's not just understanding, but until I actually practice it and got some coaching myself, I was not able to see what the root was and really, even when I saw it, be able to rewrite it until I practiced what it is that we're gonna be talking about here today, right? So that's why we're gonna be doing this. That's why we put this together because I know a lot of people who are super frustrated because they keep going down that same path over and over and over again. And maybe it's not anger, maybe it's unworthiness, maybe it's I don't know if I can charge somebody for what I do. Uh, like whatever that is, the normal path that your brain typically travels that has created, like this path has been created over years and decades, is not gonna go away just when you see it, right? But we're gonna get to the root of it today.

What The Spiral Feels Like Inside

SPEAKER_00 2:08

So, question number one is you talk about being able to see the spiral coming and still not being able to stop it. What does that actually look like from the inside? Walk me through that, what that moment feels like. We teach a lot about this inside of our certification. And I want to make sure that I communicate it in a way so that everybody can understand. When you go through this scenario, put into the opportunity to respond instead of react, there's a lot of things that are going on under the surface. And what it feels like, for me personally, what this feels like is it feels a lot of like frustration. It's a lot of this story or perspective of here we go again, here we go again, this person's doing it again, or I'm doing it again. And it's kind of like a not only a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's one where I tend to beat myself up. And then at the end, I actually don't quote unquote learn the lesson and I take it into the next conversation, not only that I have right then, but then it keeps happening time and time and time again. I wrote a book called Mastering Your Life Through Self-Coaching. And the reason why I did that is because what I think is the most important thing is before you actually can coach other people, you have to get good at being able to coach and lead yourself, right? And so when you see something, you go down that path and you overreact, you react a way that you don't want to react. And afterwards, you're like, oh, I did it again. And then you try to come up with a plan so that next time you don't do that, but you keep going down this cycle time and time and time again. What this actually could do is it prevents you from not only reaching your full potential, but being able to help people. Because if you can't help yourself through this, I've seen it happen time and time again. Well, you will start to lose confidence in how you can help and coach other people. And so if you have a space in your life where you're doing this, it's very easy to just think like, hey, how am I going to be able to help somebody else in this scenario? Truth is, you can help somebody else, much easier to spot what's going on in somebody else. But I know for me personally, I felt like I had to earn the right to be able to do this myself so that I can help other people. So going back to this question of like, what does it actually look like and what does it actually feel like? It feels for me, it feels like frustration because I'm doing the same thing I told myself I wasn't going to do. And then I beat myself up afterwards, which is not a positive thing, and I keep going down this spiral. I say myself, this is something that I've really worked hard on and I've been able to stop it majority of the time. But I'm still a human and I still experience this from time to time. But the old version of me used to react a lot more. Now I can kind of catch myself, even though there are some times that I still go overboard, but it's much easier for me to get in and start reprogramming, which is what we're going to talk about a little bit today.

Awareness Is Step One Only

SPEAKER_00 4:41

So, question number two is why doesn't awareness stop the pattern? Because most people assume that if you can see it happening, you should be able to catch it, right? That is not the truth. So awareness is the first step. Being able to become aware of something gives you the ability, if you choose, to make a change. The problem is this path in your brain, this path that your brain has traveled for a very long time, it has a lot of strength because it's literally been built up. If you think about like habits, habits, things you do over time, you don't even have to think about it anymore. Trying to break a habit is super hard. You don't just immediately say, hey, today I'm gonna break a habit and just immediately stop doing it, right? It takes time. You have to replace the habit. And by the way, this is all some of the things that we teach instead of the certification. You do have to replace some of the thoughts and some of the beliefs that you have in your brain. That takes time. But just seeing the pattern and becoming aware of it is not the solution. That is step one. There's four more steps for you to be able to walk through this, come out on the other side stronger, and be able to show up as your best self in that moment. So if you are somebody who you can't seem to stop that pattern, I want to let you know you're okay, you're human, you just got to do something different. You got to learn something different. You got to be able to go in there and reprogram it. And really being able to see it is step one. But sometimes it can also feel like a step backwards because you're seeing it and not able to catch yourself. This is why we need other people in our lives to be able to call us forward. All right, question number

The Story Driving The Reaction

SPEAKER_00 6:00

three. What's actually happening under this surface in that moment? Not the behavior, but what's driving it before the behavior even starts? I'm gonna keep it super simple for people who don't understand our growth model. When a situation happens outside of you, a neutral situation, like somebody says something or somebody does something, our brain naturally interprets what that thing means. Typically, it doesn't do it for us, it kind of does it against us, meaning it focuses on what's broken, wrong, or missing. When it focuses on that thing, your brain is gonna tell you a story about what that thing means. And whatever that perspective is, is gonna get you to feel a certain way in your body. And then you're gonna generate an entire experience based off of not only that perspective, but how you feel in that moment. So when you're going through this pattern of feeling like you're stuck, it's not the actual behavior you need to focus on. The behavior, if you try to go to the behavior, you're trying to fix the wrong problem. You actually have to fix what's going on in your brain. Now, like we said before, like your brain typically has traveled down a path of whenever somebody says this, it means they don't respect you. Whenever they say this, it means that X, Y, and Z, right? Or whenever when they when your kids do this, it means that they're undermining you. Now, that is a pattern that your brain has formed over decades, a long period of time. It's not something you can just think yourself out of. There's a process that we guide people through in terms of how to rewrite this, but you have to first understand that it's there. So ask yourself like, what is this story that I'm telling myself? What is it that I'm telling myself? What's the story that I'm making this thing mean? And you will start to become more not only aware, but be able to see like where your opportunity for change

Why Some People Break The Pattern

SPEAKER_00 7:27

is. Number four is what's the difference between someone who eventually breaks the pattern and somebody who stays stuck in it, even when both of them can see it clearly. So here's the thing: like when it comes to coaching people, everybody is an individual. We have to meet people where they're at. And so when I'm coaching clients, sometimes them being able to see what is actually holding them back and giving them a reframe or a way of thinking about like why or how they want to show up and why that's so important and meaningful to them, sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it's like it hasn't been something that has been ingrained for decades and decades and decades. And once they see it and they're able to reframe it, they can actually start going down that path of that perspective every time a situation like this comes up. But a lot of times that doesn't work. A lot of times what happens is the person believes their old story so much that they believe it to be true. Getting a new affirmation, getting a new way of thinking is not going to immediately take hold. We have to actually work at chiseling away that belief before we can actually solidify it. So, a perfect example is like, let's say somewhere deep down inside, you're like, I don't even know if this is possible. I don't know if I can coach, I don't know if I can lead. You're going to start going out there looking for all the evidence that that's not true. So whenever something happens, your kid says something or something happens at work or whatever, your brain is going to go down the path of like, see, told you I'm not a good leader, or see, told you I can't do this. And the truth is, is like really deep down inside, you have this belief that maybe you could do it or maybe you couldn't do it. But in reality, the one that you're giving more energy to is I can't do this, right? And so when you start to have these repeats over and over and over again, you start to program your brain to take that path of I can't do this. And so this is like that repeat thing. You think over and over and over again so much that you believe it and so much that you don't even know it's there anymore. That's why when we start coaching people, things come up that they would never tell to another human. But we get to the root of what's actually going on, which could have held them back for even more years and decades into the future. And so when we think about this, when we think about like actually getting to the root of these reactions, it's just that programming that you have been through and being able to not only identify it, but being able to chisel away at some of that belief and then be able to have a new belief there, but not plant it like you don't know it. Literally plant it because you do know it and you're gonna choose to think it on purpose. All

The Hidden Beliefs You Cannot See

SPEAKER_00 9:39

right. So what's the first thing that actually has to change for someone to start interrupting the spiral before it takes over? And why is it never what people expect it to be? So I'm gonna say this, and that is like your most limiting of beliefs you have no idea even exist. There's a reason why they call it the unconscious, and it's not because you can think of it, it's because it's unconscious. You actually can't think of it, and it's holding you back, and you don't even know it's there. The truth is, is I've been doing this work for about 13 years now, and I still have things that come up, and I'm like, what in the world, when and where was that planted? And how can I really step into and adjust that story or that perspective? Because I can tell and see how it's been holding me back for a while. And as you're going through this work, it's definitely something that you have to be willing to do. Not everybody is going to be willing to do this level of work, but this is really where the hard work is, where you can transform your life if you're willing to have those conversations and be able to allow somebody else to help recognize it in you. Because even to this day, I mean, I always have multiple coaches in my life because I know that there's things that I just cannot see. So that's what I would say is being able to have somebody else who you feel safe with that you trust be able to get to the root of what's actually going on for you and hearing what that story or that belief is is so vital and important, but it's also scary. AF, that's for sure.

What To Hold On To Next Time

SPEAKER_00 11:02

All right, number six is for the person listening who just recognize themselves in this, they've been watching themselves spiral for years and nothing has worked. What do you want them to hold on to from today? We all have human brains. This is actually how it's supposed to work. When you think about the reason why our brain works the way it does is because it wants to keep us safe and it wants to automate things. And so when its job is to keep us safe so we can continue to live and to automate things so that we don't have to think about things consciously, because otherwise, trying to walk would be like nearly impossible. We definitely couldn't walk and chew gum. But doing those two things, unfortunately, what happens is our safety mechanisms start to get thought over so many times that they just become our beliefs, and now we don't even realize that they're there. Having somebody to be able to help you see those, reframe them, and then rebuild the beliefs into a different belief system, that really is where the game is. A couple of people on our certification who literally they joined us because of this very reason. They don't know why they are reacting the way that they are, but they want to get a hold of it. And I got to tell you, like when I went through my certification, half of the people in there wanted to actually become a coach. The other half just wanted to do it for personal growth reasons. And I do have to say, everybody, when you start to see this stuff, whether it's you're trying to grow a business or you're just trying to become a better father, a better husband, or trying to become a better mom, whatever that is, when you can help yourself get to the root of some of these actual problems, it will get you to stop reacting and instead start to respond. That's basically what we talked about today. I know we went a little deep, but here's the thing some people will just say, oh, you know what? Let's just try a pattern interrupt. And when you pattern interrupt, you're going to be able to separate the difference between stimulus and response. And then from there, you're just going to automatically be able to show up as your best self. And to a degree, I do understand why people think that. And I do understand that there's going to be some scenarios that that might work. But when you get into the deep work, that does not work in and of itself. You have to get to the root of what's actually driving that behavior and then reprogram your brain to start thinking something else on purpose. And in the beginning, it's not going to do that automatic. You're going to have to pause. You're going to have to reflect. You're going to have to think about like, why is this so important and meaningful? How best do I want to show up right now? And why is that the case? Right. And when you start to ask yourself that question, then you start doing the most powerful thing, which is no matter what your brain offers you in that moment, you can choose a different path because you have the skills to be able to do it. And when you have that, you truly become unstoppable.

Quiz And Free Call Invitation

SPEAKER_00 13:29

All right, guys. Thank you for listening. If you need any help with this, don't hesitate. Reach out, shoot us a message. We have a quick quiz. If you go to modoleadership.us forward slash quiz to help you get started on getting to the root of what's actually holding you back. I'm going to be truthful here. Like the quiz itself is not going to actually find the exact thing. We have to jump on a call to have that conversation. And I'm willing to do that. Actually, free 20 minute call. So if you fill out the quiz, I'll offer that for you. But even if you decide not to, it will help you with having some ideas of generally where some of these perspectives can be holding you back. So I can help you personally. All right. I appreciate you guys for what you do out there every single day. Thank you for what you do and keep leading from the front. All right. Bye, everybody.