Bonus Episode - The Missing Piece — How to Coach Yourself Through the Moments That Keep Stopping You

Bonus Episode Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So we've never done an episode quite like this one before. We've talked about the growth model a lot on this show. Today we're actually going inside of it. Not as a teaser, not just the what and the why behind it, but a real piece of the how that you can use today. Today's episode is for the person who has done everything right and is still hitting the same wall. You've done the books, the programs, you maybe have even worked with coaches, maybe even have a certification, but something keeps stopping you that you can't quite name. Today we want you to walk away from this episode feeling something different than you've ever felt before. Not just more aware, but actually relieved, like something finally makes sense. So you're listening to Modern Leadership Coaching. I'm Mark. And I'm Teresa. And we talk about what it actually takes to lead people well. Now, today we have a bonus episode. And the reason why this exists is because of something that we've seen over and over and over again. And that is people are generally doing the work. They're committed, they're aware, they're trying hard, and they're still ending up in the same place. And that is extremely frustrating. And what we've learned, both through not only our own experience and through the people that we work with, is that the reason that nothing has moved isn't what most people think it is. Today, we're gonna actually show you what it is. And we're gonna give you a real piece of our growth model, the actual tool we teach in our certification, so you can actually start working with it today on yourself. So you ready to do that with me?

SPEAKER_04 1:36

Let's go.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Let's go. All right. So I think you're gonna ask me a question first, but like let's um let's kind of frame this in in before we teach the growth model. Let's kind of frame it in terms of why we're doing this. So go for it.

Why Doing Everything Right Still Fails

SPEAKER_04 1:48

Okay. So yeah, so before we actually get into like what the growth model is in and of itself, can you talk about why people stay stuck despite doing everything right? Because I think a lot of people listening have tried pretty much everything and secretly wonder if something is wrong with them.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Yeah, for sure. First off, there's a perspective in there too, right? Even that question, right? So here's kind of what I want to share. And we've talked about this too, about the difference between mentoring and coaching, right? But when I'm coaching somebody, one thing that I fundamentally understand is that there's usually something unconscious, something the other person doesn't know that is getting them to take certain actions or not take certain actions. There's a belief, there's a perspective that is unconscious to them. And so when you're trying to fix something, like the beautiful thing is when you know it's wrong. But what happens is your brain is so sophisticated, it's going to hide the thing that you actually need to fix because it's uncomfortable, because it's growth, because it's based off of your pre-programming. And if you never change that, you can try all of the things in the world and they will never work. Whether it's because you're actually holding yourself back from doing and being the real true you, or your energy is just super low when you do it, or you're not open to finding the way that would actually work for you. But it's things that are under the surface based off of your pre-programming, your childhood, people that you're around, situations that have happened to you, and whatever it is has gotten stuck and you don't know what it is, and you're trying to solve a problem where you don't actually know where the root is. So that's what the growth model is for, to help people identify that, because a lot of times you don't know, and that is the most frustrating part because you're trying to fix the wrong problem.

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

So here's the thing. I want to ask you a question now. I know that you helped me co-create our certification, right? And so you use the growth model a lot with your clients, but also inside of the certification. Maybe you can give people an idea, like when you work with people inside of the growth model, right? What is the moment that you often see? And I mean, like the one where someone realizes the problem wasn't what they thought it was.

SPEAKER_04 4:07

So, so what I find is that moment where people kind of it like clicks for them is that they realize that they have been operating from this perspective or this, or we'll go into that in a second, but like they are focusing more on what they don't want. And like you said, it's unconscious. It's not like someone is saying, you know what, I'm gonna go out there and do stuff that really is gonna take me in the direction I don't want to go. Like people are not consciously saying that or thinking that. But the way that they are approaching things is creating things that they don't want rather than focusing on things that they do want. So this is where this comes into play because it starts to click when I start working with people because then they start to realize that what they saw was a problem wasn't actually a problem.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

Okay, so I'm gonna expand on that a little bit. That was very beautifully said. I want to kind of describe this as um in the process of the growth model. Okay. So when you look at the growth model, all right, I want you guys to understand this. So at the top, it's kind of like a triangle. At the top, we have this um word that we use is reality, right? And then it branches off into two different directions. One is to the left, which is the unconscious side of the growth model. The other is to the right, which is the conscious side of the growth model. We're gonna go through this in a little bit more depth in this episode, right? But I just want to kind of like to share what you were just talking about, right? Now, the way that our brains are wired, a lot of it has to do for safety, right? And and so what it will get us to do is it'll get us to focus on what's broken, what's wrong, or what's missing. And when our brain focuses on what's broken, wrong, or missing, it's kind of like a way of getting our attention. If you've ever scrolled social media, do you know what posts like get the biggest attention? If you've ever gone to listen and watch the news, do you know what kind of news gets the biggest attention? What is broken, wrong, or missing? You maybe see something amazing that's happening. The chances of you looking at it, uh, they're okay. But if you see somebody going through like some extreme pain or a tornado or some, it's natural your brain's like, I've got to pay attention to this because it's important.

SPEAKER_04 6:19

Yeah, because we're constantly scanning for danger. Correct.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

Correct. And unfortunately, what we don't realize is that's what our brain is doing too internally. And actually, like the whole idea of like, I need to know about this so it can keep me safe, actually doesn't. It actually produces more of what you don't want. So if you're focused on something that you don't want, you're going to get more of it. But here's the thing: this is why I want to make sure that I really call this out is there's the conscious way that you think, which is like three to five percent of your thoughts are conscious, meaning you're thinking of them right now, this very minute. You're thinking, oh, should I listen to him? Is this important? I mean, what's this growth model all about, right? You're asking yourself these questions. 95% of what is actually happening is happening unconscious, meaning you have no idea that those thoughts are actually running the show. You may have a feeling in your body or an emotion in your body that you can tell, right? But the truth is, is like when you when you lose control of this because you're not the one at like at the helm, and you know that 95% of your thoughts are actually driving you to take actions, that's how we get stuck, is we're actually we're not conscious of what's actually keeping us stuck. And anytime we think we are, it's actually not. And if we don't get below the surface, that's where we keep spinning. So when we think about like what's broken, wrong, or missing, we see this a lot. You'll hear us on the podcast talk about this a lot. And by the way, one of the reasons why we're literally opening up and sharing so much about the growth model today is because we want people to have like a common language as we continue to have this podcast and continue to have this show, mostly because some of the people, the clients that we have, um, especially the ones who are just new into the certification, are like, oh my God, why did I not know about this sooner? Right. And so we want to open this up to more people who maybe aren't in the certification yet so they can see what it's like and what their life would be like if they were to have access to this, right? So we want to do this episode not just to show you some of these things, but also so we have a common language moving forward when it comes to the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 8:17

So let's actually dive into like what the growth model is, not like a description of it, but what it is actually doing underneath the surface when someone

Brain Safety And Autopilot Patterns

SPEAKER_04 8:26

uses it.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Yeah, 100%. So I'm actually gonna go through the steps with you today, but I need to build a little bit first so that you can have a little bit of an understanding of why even the growth model, right? Why even the growth model? And here's the thing. Um, I kind of talked about this a minute ago, but we have to think about like just the purpose of the brain to start off with, right? So, so there's multiple purposes of the brain, but I'm gonna boil it down to two things today that are super helpful for your brain, especially in the past, um, when it comes to us being able to survive, right? So, number one is it's meant to keep you safe. Like your brain wants to keep you safe so that you don't go out into, I don't know, like a in a dangerous spot and um, you know, get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger, right? And these kind of things did matter a lot more back in the day. They still matter to some extent. I know being a police officer, there are situations that I was in that I was glad that my brain talked me out of it because it was an actual real life dangerous situation, right? But your brain is meant to keep you safe. And any time that it can convince you that you're doing something unsafe, it's gonna feel like that's a win, right? And and so that's the first part is your brain's meant to keep you safe. Second part of this is your brain is also there to help you automate things. I mean, I used to give this training, and and it was like this process of like, what if you had to think about walking every single time that you before you did it? Like each step. Each step. Like, like you're like, okay, I've got to shift my weight to my left foot, then I've got to lift my foot up off the ground, like maybe two inches, then I have to move it forward this amount of time, then I have to push that down onto the ground, then I have to shift my weight to the right side. Like when you think about that, it's kind of funny, right? Like brushing your teeth and all this kind of stuff. But if you had to think about it every single time that you did it, you would be overloaded and overwhelmed. And I remember, I mean, not remember, but I used to bring this up all the time. Like sometimes if you ever uh get into your car and then the next thing you know, you're at your location, it's because you've your brain has automated it so you don't have to tactically think of all of the steps and use all of this extra brain power. You get to conserve it because ultimately you want to stay alive. And so you want to curtain, conserve as much energy as possible. Now, when you think about like your brain trying to keep you safe and automating things, this is both the greatest gift and one of your greatest weaknesses in the same point. Because what happens if your brain starts to believe something that's keeping itself safe and it's on autopilot now and it happens automatically? And maybe it served you when you were younger, or maybe it served you in a new situation in a previous situation, but now you're bringing it into your adult life, to business, to relationships, to family, to health. And that is actually what's keeping you stuck. Well, because it's unconscious, it's gonna keep running in the background. And so when we think about this whole process of like your brain keeping you safe and automating it, what we really like to think about is the growth model is a tool to help you make the unconscious conscious. Okay. Now, what we're gonna be talking about today is how to use it on yourself. There's gonna be a lot of things, though, and I want to bring this up. There's gonna be a lot of things in your life that are unconscious that you will not be able to find yourself because you're sitting in your situation, right? And and getting another set of eyes is critical. It's the reason why we teach our certification because you can't see everything because it's literally in the name, unconscious means you're not conscious to it. So if you're conscious to it, it's no longer unconscious, it's conscious, right? But when you think about the growth model, it helps you make some of the unconscious to the conscious, right? Because ultimately what we want to do is we want to think about this philosophy in coaching, which is what you focus on grows. And if you're focused on what's broken, wrong or missing, you're gonna create more of what's broken, wrong, or missing. We're gonna show you how the growth model will show that. But if you're focused on the best of the past, present, and future, then you're actually gonna create more of what you want versus what you don't, right?

SPEAKER_04 12:02

And this is this is also kind of like talking about how when you now bring something from the unconscious to the conscious, that means now you have the ability to make change because it's conscious. It's something that you're now aware of.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Yes. Yes. And and just a little bit of a caveat on that. There's a couple components to what we teach. There's the um life coaching component, which is what we're talking about today. But then there's also the performance-based coaching, right? Because just knowing is not enough. Okay. So, like building like on that life coaching component, but also building in a performance part of this to get yourself to take a different action. That's why what we do is different than everybody else, because we do both. It's not just one or the other, it's both. So here's

The Growth Model Explained Simply

SPEAKER_00 12:44

what I want to share. Okay. I want you to picture, or I'm gonna give you an idea of like what the growth model is, and I'm gonna break it down into steps, right? I want you to think about it like this. The growth model is five interconnected pieces. And this is really how, like the growth model is how we experience life. It's how we experience life. One of the our new high impact mastery academy students, when he learned what the growth model is, he's like, Why aren't people teaching this in schools? Because the truth is, is the growth model is always working. It has always been working ever since we were small. We just didn't understand it. I didn't understand it. And I hadn't put the words together to be able to get people to see what was actually going on under the surface. So when you look at this, this isn't something, I mean, it might be brand new to you hearing it today, but it's not something that has not been actually going in the background. And there's also been times when you've actually succeeded using the growth model. This the growth model doesn't just show you what's broken, wrong, or missing. It shows you if you're actually creating what you want in your life, why you're creating that. So it's not just a, hey, let's talk about all the reasons why you're not doing this. It's also a great tool to look at, hey, how did I actually show up better in this area? How did I actually show up the way that I wanted to, right? So it's it's not just one or the other, it's both, right? Now, when you think about this, I want you to think about these uh having to be uh really a tangible way to see how what you focus on grows, right? But it also helps you get to the root of what's going on. Now, when you look at these five interconnected pieces, I'm gonna guide you through them one at a time so you can see how one actually leads you to the other, right? It's kind of like a universal leadership system that we use, right? Now, when you think about the top, okay, the top line, it's the top of the triangle. It is what we call and refer to as reality. It is what is actually happened in that situation. This could be, and by the way, reality is kind of like a neutral situation. It's not positive or negative. It is not an interpretation from anybody. It's like if somebody was listening or watching that with a camera, what would they have seen? Now we like to take people through what's called micro moments here. But when you think about reality, what can show up in a reality is what other people say, what other people do, the stock market, politics, the weather, the algorithm, right? Facebook, COVID. All of these things, believe it or not, are not positive or negative. It's just reality. They're there. Now, when we think about reality, these are generally the things that you don't have control over. You don't have control over what happens in politics. You don't have control over what the weather's like. You don't have control over that your son just said this thing to you, that your boss fired you, that this situation just came up. You don't have control over that, right? That's why we term this as reality. Now, when you look at reality, what will happen is, is as a human, and this is a beautiful, amazing gift that only we have, right? Is we get to interpret what that reality means. That is the next line of the growth model, which is called our perspective. So we can look at the reality. We can look at what somebody says, what somebody does, politics, the we put a reel out there and we didn't get any likes. We get to interpret and control what our brain is going to focus on with the perspective. Now we don't know that we normally have this control. This is where the unconscious stuff happens. We immediately have a sentence in our mind, a perspective, a thought. Some people call this a belief. I like to think about like uh a belief as something that you've just thought so many times that, or a belief is a perspective that you thought so many times that it just has now pushed through and now automatically it's it's like in your belief system. But when you think about like this this interpretation, your brain is normally not thinking about, oh, this just happened uh in this situation. Like this is a great thing for me. This is so amazing. I'm gonna learn so much. It's usually trapped in this sucks. Why did this happen to me? Why is this, why did the person act like that? They're just an a-hole. What any perspective that we talk about and think about, generally it's focused on what's broken, wrong, or missing. Until we get good at using the growth model, by the way. But when we think about that, that is the perspective. Usually it's a sentence that we're telling ourselves, most of the time, unconsciously, sometimes consciously, but it's our interpretation of what the reality is. Now, this is the most important part of the growth model, is the perspective. Because the perspective is something that you can control. I'm gonna talk to you about that in a little bit later, but when you realize that you have the power to determine not the facts, not the reality, but your interpretation to it, it gives you back all of the power, right? It doesn't mean that you can go back and change the past, but you can change your relationship with it. And you will get so much growth, which is why this is called the growth model from it if you choose to think about it differently. But you have a choice. Now, when we think about that perspective, it's a second line. The reason why the perspective is so powerful is because when you think that perspective, it creates an emotion in your body. So the next line is the emotion. It's a feeling, it is something that is created in your brain from that sentence, sometimes most of the time unconsciously, but you start to feel a vibration in your body. Generally, when you're going through a process and you're experiencing life, you don't really know what that perspective is in your mind. But you do know the feeling. When that person says that, you get angry. When your kid does this, you get furious, right? Or when that person says that thing about you, you feel happy, or you feel loved, or you feel determined, or you feel empowered. Generally, we don't know what that perspective is, but we do know what the emotion is because it's the first real, I wouldn't say tangible, but the real thing that we feel in our body. Now, when you feel that way in your body, that's when you get to the next line, which is your response. I really like the word response because it's in response to how you're feeling. And so when you have that emotion in your body, you're going to start to see that it gets you to take action, certain actions you're going to take. It gets you to not take certain actions, right? Maybe you decide not to do that thing. And then also in your response is what we call like um cascading thoughts, where you have like, and it's not just only negative, where you have like this negative spiral where you're like, well, this happened and then this happened. I knew this wasn't good enough. I knew this, I shouldn't have started this business, and blah, like it's the end of the world. The opposite is true though, too. Like you get into one of those paths where you're showing up, you're taking action, you feel empowered. One of the thoughts is like, I knew I could do this. And if I could do this, I could do anything. And if I could do that, and now you have these upward cascading thoughts, right? But it's it's really important that you know that this is a response from your emotion. And your emotion is being driven because of your perspective. Now, when we think about the fifth line, we call these results. What you're creating. Some people will say manifest. And when you take a look at the response line, the line right above that, what are you doing? What are you not doing, including the energy that you're doing it at, please? Like I want to make sure I call that out. Because you could be just checking a box, or you can be saying, I'm doing this because I'm gonna effectively change someone's life. Way different in the response, right? Could be doing the same exact thing and one thing will work and one thing it wouldn't. But when you look at those responses and the energy that you're putting into it, you can look to see what is it that I'm creating? What are the results of those actions? Now, when you see those results, more times than not, those results are evidence that the original perspective that you told yourself is quote unquote true. By the way, a perspective is never true. A perspective is just what you currently believe in the moment that is fueling this situation for you. But what sucks is that when you don't realize that the the growth model is working, when you get to the results, you're gonna believe, you know what, this is just the way it is. This is just the truth. And what you're doing is you're you're you're kind of like um you're using something in that scenario which is actually controlled by you to make it harder for you next time to be able to process it correctly, harder for you to get out of this spiral.

SPEAKER_03 20:39

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

We call this a loop, right? So we call this in the certification the unconscious loop that literally reinforces itself, builds on it, and now you have this super strong belief that every time that reality will come, you will go down that exact same path and be stuck in that loop. Now, what we just talked about is what we call the unconscious side of the growth model, right? And a lot of times that's based off of what's broken, wrong, or missing. But what's beautiful is when you understand that, when you see that this is how your brain's supposed to work, it loves you, it's trying to keep you safe, it's just automated some things that aren't helping you. Now you get the ability, if you choose, to think something different. This is where we focus on our conscious perspective, which means we start talking about the best of the past, the best of the present, and the potential for the future. And when you can get yourself to see in that moment, how do I show up when my operating system is running running unconsciously? And how will I show up when I actually I can run on the conscious side of the growth model? Over time, those micro moments, because we're going to talk about micro moments in a minute, those micro moments will change your life because you will change how you show up. And what we love to always see is it's not just in that micro moment that you show up better, it literally Transfers into everything that you touch. So when we guide people through this, what's amazing is you will see them for the first time realize why they're getting angry at their kids or why they're showing up that way in their life or why they're being upset and frustrated at work or why they're being held back from promotions or why they're not being able to make more money in their business, why they can't actually find clients. Like all of these different things. And you unpack that and you get them to see it and you get them to reframe it. And then before you know it, not only is that area moving, but all the other ones are too, because they just feel amazing, green bringing that energy into everything else they're doing. So that is the growth model, right? The unconscious side and the conscious side.

SPEAKER_04 22:43

Okay. So now walk me through what it actually looks like when someone coaches themselves through a moment using this, like step by step. What are they actually doing?

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Okay. Love it. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna guide you through um uh kind of like a session that we would have. And I'm gonna try and keep it as simple as possible. And I'm gonna keep it in the space of um uh health and fitness, right? Now, before I do that, I wanna break down something real quick so you can see what it looks like conceptually before we actually go through the steps. Okay. Um, I'm not sure if everybody knows this, but I wrote a book um called Mastering Your Life Through Self-Coaching. And whenever I go through something difficult, I mean we're going through some difficult stuff right now, right? People always ask me, like, how do you get yourself to show up the way that you do? Like, how do you get yourself to process it? Like, how do you not lose your stuff? Like, how do you get yourself to do that? And what we're gonna be talking about today is exactly how I do that. Through not just the semi-difficult things, but like the life-altering things that I would see most people just completely give up, right? I don't do that because I understand how the brain works. But while I go through this process, I want you to understand that there's gonna be areas of your life that you're doing this well and areas of it that maybe you have opportunities to learn and to grow, right? And so I want to take you through a little bit of a um a training that I used to do called the four levels of

Four Levels Of Self-Coaching

SPEAKER_00 23:58

self-coaching. And then I'm gonna show you what the growth model looks like in real action in an actual scenario that happened. Okay. So when I think about the four levels of self-coaching, okay, there's four different levels. And I want to start off with level number one, okay, because I want people to understand what it looks like in real life in maybe a situation, maybe they used to deal with things at a level one, right? Your goal here is to get more towards level three and level four. But level one, looking at the growth model, is you actually blame the reality for where you are. So level one, even though it says self-coaching, it's really no coaching at all. By the way, I've heard people who say, I'm coaching myself through this, and literally they're a level one. So, what I mean by that is they're they're blaming the outside situation or circumstance. They're blaming the reality, they're blaming the politics, they're blaming social media, they're blaming, well, nothing's working for me here, right? And so you're pointing fingers to everything outside of you, which believe it or not, you're giving control away. You are basically saying, I have no control over this. It's the outside world, and I'm stuck. And so at level one, you just blame the reality. You blame the top line. You say it's because of what my kid said. You said because of this, because of that, right? I like to think of that about this as like it's our inner toddler. Okay. And I still have this too in certain areas of my life. But I remember like when our kids are growing up, uh, where like Andrew would be like, he would hit Jay and they'd be like, What are you doing, buddy? And he was like, Well, he made me hit him. This is what I feel like is that, right? It's like, no, he said that thing, so obviously I had to hit him, right? And when we do that, we're accidentally blaming and giving away our ownership to something else on the outside.

SPEAKER_03 25:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

So that's level one. Now, when level one gets painful for you and you're like, this is not working, I'm not able to change the way that I'm showing up. Then you might join or jump up to what's called level two. Now, what level two is is you start to take ownership of the situation. You're presented with the situation, you go down a certain path, right? You show up maybe the way that you don't want to, and afterwards, you're like, I need to do something different. Like this situation now depends on me. I cannot wait for the outside to change. I've got to be willing to change myself. And here's what I'm gonna try next time. So you have this great plan until you get back in the ring and you get punched in the face again, and you go down that path again, and you're like, I knew better, and yet I'm still doing that same thing over and over and over again, right? This is where level two is you start to take ownership, but then you also start to shame yourself. I should have known better. I had a plan, I didn't follow it. Maybe this isn't possible for me. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I shouldn't start this business, maybe I shouldn't do this, maybe I'm a bad parent, maybe, and all of this shame game starts to come playing, right? I have found that level two can actually feel more painful than level one. Because level one is you're pointing outside. And even though it feels sucky because you can't necessarily change it, it's not like you're pointing at yourself. Yeah. When you point at yourself at level two, which by the way, level two is an upgrade, it feels terrible. Because you're like, I suck. This isn't possible. Like, ah, I'm so frustrated. I keep doing the same thing over and over again. The truth is, is you're making progress because you're taking ownership, but you don't want to get stuck there.

SPEAKER_03 27:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

Because level two means I keep going down that path over and over and over again. But level three is when it starts getting fun. Okay. Level three is when you start to go down that path again. You start to feel and experience that emotion in your body, but you stop yourself. Not for 72 hours. You stop yourself for five seconds and go, hold on a second here. I know what happens when I go down this path. I don't want to go down that path. How can I be most effective right now? And you work through the process of the growth model. You've previously worked through it, but now you have a direction. You decide that you're going to give power to a different perspective. And you create a different emotion in your body. When you create a different emotion, you take a different response. And when you respond that way, you create and you have different results. And that in that micro moment makes you feel incredible. Because you took this thing that felt like your kryptonite and you now made it your superpower. Meaning you didn't just do it because you have to be disciplined and you have to be force it. You did it because a different version of you showed up. You're starting to change your identity. Now, level three is amazing. But what level three could kind of hold us back from is now we have to consciously, because if you just realize like what I just said is like you made the unconscious conscious and then you consciously stopped yourself. That could be exhausting if you have to do that every time. It's the reason why your brain was created to make it so that you can automate things. But if you've done it like a first couple of times, it could be exhausting just to keep trying to do that, right? And you're like, oh, here it comes again. Oh, okay, got to do this again, right? But the beautiful thing is when you get really good at level three and you're focused on not doing this in every area of your life, but just one area of your life in those micro moments that really matter to you, you you raise up to what we call level four. Level four is now where you are reprogrammed and you do it on autopilot. You don't have to think about it. Now, for me, and and I'm sure I want everybody to really think about this. And by the way, we do want to hear some feedback from this episode from you guys. It's good. This one's different, right? I want you to think about an area that you maybe were a level one where you used to blame stuff on the outside, and now you're a level four. It just happens automatically and you're showing up the way that you want to. Mine was health and fitness. I was 100 pounds overweight. I was blaming the uh work. I was blaming I've got uh kids and I'm running a business and I'm, you know, uh LAPD and I got court and uh just no time. I also used to blame that I'm just big bone, that's just what my family is like. I was giving all the power to the reality. But then I started to take ownership. But then I started to shame myself on days that I couldn't. Then I started to learn how to do it in the moment. And now I don't even have to think about it. Like I you don't wake up in the morning and say, Mark, you gonna work out today? Right? It's like it's like saying, Mark, you gonna breathe today? I'm like, I don't know, maybe I will, right? It's like when you get into that space, it just automatically happens. But it takes work. It takes work to be able to do that. And generally it'll take some outside eyes to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_04 30:10

On a on a side note, like, what do you think my my thing is? Where it's like, like how you said, where it's like, you don't even have to think about it anymore. What do you think mine is?

SPEAKER_00 30:20

Um, so I I don't know necessarily what your thing is, but I do know that every morning you wake up and you wake up at the same time, you get up early. You don't have to get up early. You you're like, hey, let me grab my phone and let me grab my computer. I'm gonna be doing some of my work. And you like instantly like just get into it. Like there's no second guessing, there's no questioning, oh, should I sleep in until like seven o'clock today? It's like, no, like I'm gonna get up at this time and I'm gonna be doing this. Which was not always me. It was not you, right? I mean, I know like when you had uh when you're working full time at UCLA, you had to get up at a certain time, but it it seemed like it was a lot more painful for you. You don't have to get up now, especially with the health stuff you have going on. I mean, anybody in your situation would go, go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day. But you get up and you're like, no, this is just who I am. Like, I'm a mom, I'm I'm a wife, I do this stuff for our business. We're business owners. This is just who I am. So that's what I would think. What do you think?

SPEAKER_04 31:14

Interesting. No, I was just curious.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

Yep. And and the the truth is I get to see this from the outside and get to point it out because like maybe you didn't see that before I I showed it to you.

SPEAKER_03 31:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

Okay. All right.

A Real Example With Fitness

SPEAKER_00 31:23

So I told you I'm gonna walk you through an example. So I want to give you an example of um the growth model, right? We're gonna go through the unconscious side first, all right? So I want you to picture this reality. And I, and like I said, I'm gonna make this a health and fitness thing because it just seems like that's so much more simple than whatever situation that somebody's going through, but maybe they can they can pull out their scenario based off of what we're gonna talk about tonight. So the reality is, okay, I work full time, I have a fitness goal to lose 20 pounds, and the alarm goes off in the morning to wake up to work out. Okay, that's the reality is I work full time, I have a fitness goal, I want to lose 20 pounds, and the alarm goes off in the morning time. Now, when we think about the perspective in that situation, there's a multitude of different perspectives that can come up. We tell our coaches to pick one because all roads lead to Rome, right? One of the things, the perspectives that we hear a lot is the alarm goes off, and the immediate thought unconsciously is I'm just so exhausted. I'm just so exhausted. Now, when you think that perspective, what emotion comes up for you? The emotion that I hear a lot is disappointed. That you feel disappointed.

SPEAKER_04 32:27

They feel disappointed because the intent was to get up and work out.

SPEAKER_00 32:30

Correct. The response when you feel disappointed is you don't wake up, you don't exercise, it carries over into you end up not eating well. Then you start telling yourself, like, I knew I couldn't do this, I'm never gonna lose weight, I'm just not the type of person that's successful, I'm not disciplined enough, I need more motivation. You know, if I finally had time, if they gave me some extra time at work to do this on duty, like I would be able to succeed, but I can't because of my situation right now. Then we would get to results. What do you think you're creating with those responses? And the truth is, is what you're creating is more exhaustion. Because if you didn't hear that, like your belief that I'm exhausted, you're gonna start putting in action and energy to create yourself, create even more exhaustion. It's called mental exhaustion, where you're literally thinking about this so much that you're exhausted just thinking about working out. And what it is, is you're using your energy against you and not for you. And what you're actually doing here is you're reinforcing your original perspective of I'm exhausted. Because when you feel exhausted, you you you be you're disappointed. When you're disappointed, you don't wake up, you don't exercise, you don't eat well, then you start beating yourself up, saying, ah, I knew I was never good enough, I'm not disciplined enough, I need more motivation, if I only had more time. And what you're actually doing is you're making yourself so exhausted that it's gonna be so much easier to convince yourself tomorrow not to do this. Now, let me pause here for a second because I'm gonna go to the conscious side in a second. But let me tell you what most people will do in this scenario. They'll try to get their alarm clock and move it across the the the bedroom. They'll try and put their clothes on early. They'll try and have somebody else, hey, call me in the morning and just make sure that I'm working out. And all of those things could be helpful, but they are not helping solve the root of the problem. The root of the problem is that you're telling yourself that you're exhausted and you're allowing that to control how you feel, the actions that you take, and your results. And if you don't get to the root of it, the chances of it changed changing are very slim to none. I'm not gonna say it's zero, because sometimes you will actually notice that by being put into those kind of environments, but accountability, for example, it's a really powerful thing that maybe by being accountable, you'll start listening to what everybody else is thinking, right? Because they usually will verbalize it out loud. And by doing that, now you start to change your perspective automatically. But fundamentally, like when we think about this whole growth model, it's always working. Even if you don't know it is, even if you don't realize just being in a different environment helps plant new seeds in there of a new perspective and a new belief because you're around other people who believe things that are different. And those things, if they serve you, maybe you're gonna start believing them too. But it's still fundamentally solving the problem of your belief, your perspective. Now, let's get to the conscious side, right? Now, we say that the reality never changes, right? One thing that a lot of people will say is like, let's say you wake up tomorrow and like uh you do feel more energized. So what would you do then? Right. Or let's say that you like just read a great book and now you wake up, right? It's like you're actually changing the situation. And what you're accidentally doing is you're planting in your brain that I will change when the outside changes first.

SPEAKER_04 35:41

Yeah, that's really important.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

And that that is never the case. Never the case, right? So the reality is still the same. You work full time, you have a fitness goal to lose 20 pounds, and the alarm goes off in the morning to wake up to work out. Now, initially, you're probably gonna have that same emotion in your body. You're gonna feel a little disappointed, right? And and yes, you'll probably have that perspective, I'm exhausted. But by the way, remember, like most of the time we don't, we don't, especially if we wake up in the morning, we're not consciously thinking that, right? It's just immediately you feel disappointed, right? But in that moment, you decide, you're like, okay, hold on a second. I know what normally happens here, and I'm gonna choose a different path. And instead, you focus on the perspective that you discovered during one of your coaching sessions. And that perspective is this is the actual moment that defines whether I actually want this or not. And in that moment, you consciously think of that. And instead of feeling disappointed, you now feel determined. When you feel determined, what do you do? You get out of bed, you work out. You told yourself that showing up matters more than being perfect, and you make healthier choices throughout the day. You're proud of how you showed up, not just when things were easy, but when they were hard. You don't play all of this mental gymnastics, talking yourself out of it, right? And you build confidence in your ability to do hard things from the workout, from the alarm, the thing that felt like it was your device, right? And then what are the results? You are actually showing yourself that you can show up in those in those specific micro moments and prove that you actually want it. You're reinforcing your belief of it's this moment that defines whether I actually want this. And then I can choose that moment. And let me tell you, this is not something that's just gonna stay related to the alarm going off.

SPEAKER_03 37:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:37

You are going to feel uh determined in so many other areas. And then before you know it, things are gonna start like opening up for you. You're gonna start getting like physical results, you're gonna have more energy, you're gonna notice that other areas are affected. And it's like just because you were able to get to the root and coach yourself through it in that moment. Now, by the way, because we have the growth model, it makes it simple to be able to see. But it does not make it easy. So here's the thing: like, we've talked a lot today about the growth model, right? And I we gave you like what the framework looks like. And it's really powerful to be able to see yourself in this in the in the moment. But sometimes just knowing, like we were saying, is not enough. Right? It's getting another outside set of eyes. It's trying to find out a perspective that actually will drive you. It'll help you get to the root of what's actually going on because what you think is going on, if if you knew what was going on, I know you, you would have solved it. You would have. Because we have only high performers that listen to this saying. If you knew what was actually going on, you would have solved it. But it's understanding that this is what's happening and opening your mind to it and figuring out how do I use this through the small areas that I'm that I'm going through right now. But also how can I figure out like what is actually the root of some of these things that maybe I can't see for myself.

unknown 38:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:56

And I think it's important to also point out that there can be a lot of different perspectives with these particular realities. You can choose one, right? Because we can, you know, drive ourselves crazy trying to figure all of these different perspectives out, right? But just choosing one. And usually like that happens like during our coaching sessions because someone can like stop you and be like, okay, let's let's focus on one perspective. Okay. Let's not go into a bunch of different directions because with them, we're not gonna solve anything, right? So I think it's important to point that out.

SPEAKER_00 39:27

Yeah, 100%. One one other thing to to talk about, and obviously this is gonna give us language to be able to talk on the podcast more often, right? About this kind of stuff. But some perspectives that come up are actually not on the perspective line, they're on the response line. Okay. So there's a lot of nuances about using the growth model that just, you know, because we've been using it for such a long time that we really fully understand. But some of the perspectives are not the initial perspective. They're all the perspectives that come up after you think that thing and it causes you to feel that emotion and then you start responding for have that place in that emotion. Now all those extra ones. This is the overthinking. Yeah. So it's very important. Like when you think about overthinking, typically that happens on the response line, not in the perspective line. The perspective, the one that actually is driving the behavior, that's the one we want to fix. That's the one we want to get in there, right? And be able to see and decide if we're gonna make a a change to it, right? Yep. Um, so, so yes, very, very solid point. Okay, so so I'm gonna ask you a question, mostly because I want to be able to drink some water right

Consistency, Coaching And Environment

SPEAKER_00 40:22

now. So to like if it's hockey is. And that is like, um, what changes for someone when they start using this consistently? Like not just in one moment, but over time. And what does that actually look like in their life?

SPEAKER_04 40:34

Yeah. And so, so what I see and what I've seen in myself as well by doing this consistently is that you start to your patterns start to basically change in the direction of where you want to go. But it still takes work, right? It's not a, hey, I'm gonna do this this one time and then everything's gonna change. It's consistently doing this and being conscious about it, but you will start to see a change in pattern. This is why um it was important for you to point out that it doesn't just stay in one area. So this may like the example that we gave about the fitness. Sure, that can be one particular perspective that you start to reframe and it starts to change in that. However, it affects other areas. So when it comes to this particular thing, when it comes to patterns, you have patterns for every area of your life. So when you start doing this consistently, it's not just in the area that you're consciously working on right now. You can start to apply that to other areas as well.

SPEAKER_00 41:36

When I'm teaching this part of the process, I like to share this. Like I am 48 now. I have had 48 years of my unconscious perspectives running the show for me. Every day, every situation. It's a filter that my brain sees things through that I know that it's running through, but even how it shows up in my life is super, I don't know how to describe this. It's just really creative in how it gets me to play out those unconscious beliefs in my life. And this is the reason why I need a coach. And anytime that I've taken a break from quote unquote, like learning more about coaching or getting coached, I find that I very quickly resort back to some of those unconscious behaviors and unconscious habits. And I've seen it time and time again. So the reason why I want to bring this up twofold is number one is like the environment that we're in, especially when we're around people who are willing to coach themselves and willing to keep growing and keep calling you out and calling you forward in times when you need to be called forward, is very, very important. But number two is if you've learned something similar to the growth model before, or you've been in scenarios where you've been able to lose weight and all that kind of stuff, I want to let you know that you are human if you resorted back into your old habits of behaviors when you disconnected from the thing that got you to where you wanted to go. So I want to make sure that people know that because so many times they use, they get back to level two where they're shaming, blaming, and guilting themselves, right? Or they say, Well, I've coached myself through this thinking that it's a one-time affair, when in reality, this is a lifetime thing. And I want to make sure that people understand that because when sometimes when people get into like um coaching or whatever, right, they think it's gonna be like a one-time and done thing, right? I'm just gonna learn this skill and it's immediately gonna affect the rest of my life, and I'm never gonna have to learn it or get a coach or whatever. And then they go out and try to sell coaching or try to coach or lead people, and they're not doing the work themselves anymore. It's only normal for you to get back into your old habits and behaviors. So if that is you, do not use the growth model against yourself. The fact that you've been able to grow before, that is evidence that you can do it and you can do it again. All right. This is not a you have to use this and everybody else has to follow it. It's more of like this is a tool that if you really do want to take control of your experiences in your life, you really do want to control the results as much as you. Possibly can, like you have to worry about like what you can focus on, which is not beating yourself up and also not shaming and guilting other people who maybe aren't using something like this. So I just want to call out to it because I don't want people to use this against themselves or anybody else, because this is like our, you know, 13 years of coaching to put together something like this to be able to package it in a way that we can really utilize to help people. I do not want them to use it as like a tool to use against people, especially themselves. They have a human brain, it's the way it is supposed to work, but we can create something different with it.

SPEAKER_04 44:31

Yeah, that's a great point.

What To Do Next

SPEAKER_04 44:33

Okay. So for the person listening to this who just felt something shift while we were talking, who maybe recognizes themselves in this. What do you want them to know before we close?

SPEAKER_00 44:45

Start coaching yourself through these micro moments. Like thinking about an area that maybe you're a level one or level two right now that you would love to be a level three or level four in, where you're able to reframe it in the moment. You're able to show up as your best self. And then think about like the impact that's gonna make not only in you, but the people who are watching you while you're going through that, right? And while you do this, start coaching yourself through these micro moments, pulling up a growth model, like walking yourself through it, right? And then yes, it takes some time. I mean, this is the reason why we have our certification, because there's like it takes reps and feedback, but like doing it on yourself, there's nothing that you're gonna lose from doing it on yourself, right? So using it, practicing it. But if something still feels off, that's when you need to find someone so that they can help spot it in you, right? Because a lot of times, especially for unconscious, unconscious means that it's something on the inside that has been running unconsciously. And if you're trying to find like an answer on the outside, like that's not gonna help, right? So you gotta have somebody to help find it on the inside.

SPEAKER_04 45:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 45:47

All right, guys. So here's what I want to share. So if something came up for you while we were talking today, whether it's a moment where you recognize what could be holding you back, maybe something finally clicked, or even a just feeling that you can't quite name yet, we genuinely love to hear about it. Send us a message, tell us what landed, because the feedback from you means more to us than you'll ever know. We greatly appreciate you for leaning into this episode. We've given you this tool, powerful tool, right, to be able to utilize. And it's gonna be able to allow us to have these conversations much deeper in the future. But if you spot something that you need some help with, that's what we're here for. But keep working through it. This is where the work is. It's not when things come easy to us, it's when we have to work through them. Those are the things that not only change our lives, but give us the greatest ability to use them to change others. Those thanks for being willing to lean in. I know today was a little bit longer of an episode. Love to hear hear some feedback from you. And if you need anything, don't hesitate to reach out. And thank you for what you do out there every single day. Keep leading from the front. Bye, everybody. Bye.