From Stuck to Wealthy and Well Known

The Stuck That Hides In Effort

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So there's a specific kind of stuck that actually doesn't get talked about enough. It's not the I'm not trying kind of stuck. It's the kind where you're doing everything. You're reading, you're growing, you're listening to podcasts, and you're showing up, but you're still hitting the same wall. Most people in that space assume something is wrong with their strategy. So they go find a new one, try something new, and then the cycle repeats. But what we want to unlock today is a layer underneath the strategy. The thing that's been running the show quietly while you've been focused on the surface level stuff. Today isn't about theory. This is the thing I had to find before anything else in my life actually moved. So you're listening to the Modern Leadership Coaching Podcast. I'm Mark.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

And we talk about what it actually takes to lead people well. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 0:49

I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

All right, good. Good, good, good. Got Teresa still here on the show, crushing it. Um, but today we're gonna we're gonna really take a deep dive into two things. Today's episode is really for people who are trying. Like, I don't mean just like quote unquote trying, but like really trying, putting forth their effort, and they keep ending up in the same place. They're trying everything, and they have this feeling of I feel stuck. That's why today we're gonna talk about what sta stuck actually looks like, not the version that people admit to, but the version that actually hides underneath that effort and busyness and all of your good intentions. So we're gonna use a framework from a book that I'm currently reading called Wealthy and Well Known to name something that I think most people feel but can't articulate. Because once you can name it, you can actually do something about it. So you ready to do that?

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Let's go.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

All right. Now I know I'm reading this book. It's a really great book. I think a lot of people should grab it. But the sole premise of the author, AJ and Rory Vaden, I think is what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

We'll probably put it in the show notes to say.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

Yeah, yeah. Um, we'll definitely put it in the show notes, but especially if I said it wrong. But the premise here is you are most powerfully equipped to help the person that you used to be. And it's really helping me take a deep dive and think about what did I have to go through in some of the key areas when it comes to losing 100 pounds, when it comes to trying to become a better father, better husband, growing a business, elevating myself in LEPD, you know, throughout my career. And what I have come to realize is it's just this whole idea of like being stuck. And so today I kind of want to walk through this. Maybe you can ask me some questions to bring some things up. And I also want people, I want to I want them to listen to this with two lenses on, right? It's because I think it's important. Number one is if you feel like you're stuck, I'm gonna help try and unlock something for you today. But number two is there's something that you do that is different than anybody else, but anybody else does in the world. And it's something that help you through your most challenging times, the times that you've had problems, the things that you struggled with and you worked through. And on the other end, that actually makes you the perfect person to be able to help somebody else who's going through that too.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

And getting very clear on that is important. So let's do that today.

How Coaches Diagnose The Real Block

SPEAKER_00 3:00

So you talk about feeling stuck in a specific way. It's you know, not about being lazy or avoiding. What does that kind of stuck actually look like from the inside, right? And how did you know that that was what was happening to you?

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Okay, so I can I can very easily paint this picture, not only because I've had so many conversations since I've been reading this book with people who feel that level of stuck, but also because like I remember it so vividly because of a feeling. And that feeling in me was frustration. It was, I am trying everything and nothing is working. And people were giving me more advice, more direction, more things to try, or the beloved, be here a year from now. And I'm like, I've been here seven years from now. Like I've done this for this long. What is going on? Can you hear? Can you hear it in me? Yeah. That's what it looks like on the inside. It feels like frustration. Sometimes it's frustration at myself. Sometimes it's frustration at the system. Sometimes it's frustration at AI. Like, I've I don't know if anybody's dealt with that recently, but sometimes you realize that, for example, like AI can sometimes throw you off by giving you more advice and more direction, right? It's beautiful for the things that it does, but sometimes it can create that frustration of being stuck because it's giving you more tactical advice when tactical is not your problem. So basically you're trying to solve the wrong problem. So I would have to say, like when you think about this in a specific way, for me personally, it's frustration. It is like I'm working hard, I'm putting in more action, more energy, I'm learning faster, I'm growing, and nothing is moving. That's how it feels on the inside.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Yeah, I think for me, it feels like, you know, those, I don't know if it's it's not called people movers, but it's kind of like a, it's an escalator, but it's flat and it's at the airport and it takes you, you know, so you don't have to walk like a really long distance. It feels like that, but like you never get off. Yeah. It just feels like you're like constant, like, you know, like a what is it called? The wheel.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yeah, hamster wheel.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Hamster wheel, there you go. So it's kind of like that, where it feels like you're doing the same things over and over again. And and then you start trying something new, but then it just feels like a new hamster wheel. Yep. That's what it feels like to me from the inside.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Yeah, and and I think what's important here is like it does kind of slightly feel different for every single person, depending on where you are and your personality. Are they the kind of person where it's easier to just get frustrated to point to other things? Is it something you're pointing to yourself, right? It gets to that point and whatever it looks like for you, it's okay. Yeah, but that's the experience of being stuck.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

So when you're working with someone who's been stuck in that way, where they're trying hard and nothing's moving, what do you notice first?

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Yeah, what I notice is w what they say, right? It's kind of like you you gotta read between the lines. But normally people will say something like, like you said earlier, I have tried everything and nothing is working. Now, I know that the strategy is not their problem, right? Obviously, they haven't tried everything, right? But I can tell if someone's really working hard and really doing things. They're not just like doing things haphazardly. So what I look at is how do they describe their feeling of being stuck? What does that look like for them? Like how we described it. And then I'm not gonna give them, hey, did you try this by chance? Right. Because no, that's not gonna work because it's not a technical problem. It's most likely an adaptive challenge. So it's really kind of digging into how they describe their situation and learning more about that to see what's actually really holding them back.

The Subconscious Software Running Your Life

SPEAKER_01 6:40

I think about when I have these conversations with people, um, I had one yesterday with a really powerful, successful business owner who has like an amazing structure that he teaches inside of his uh programs, but he kept felling feeling like he was getting stuck in certain respects, especially when it comes to like his confidence and showing up as his best self in everything that he's doing. And um I noticed that he tends to react instead of respond, which is what I used to do like very early on. And in those scenarios, I like to, I don't know how else to describe this. I get really curious about what's actually driving that behavior that's like quote unquote out of the norm, right? Or the thing that's actually causing them to be stuck. And so it takes, it's not just like one question that I can give, it's like all the questions that you ask after that question. Because I really need to identify what the problem is. And when somebody brings me a problem, this is something that I don't know, it does frustrate me in the space of coaching, is like people automatically assume either problem before actually asking enough information to find out what it is. And so they'll literally, if they're a coach around mindset, right, which was what we do to some degree, right? They just immediately go in thinking, oh, it's a mindset thing, but they have no idea. Yeah. Like maybe they're starting a podcast and they need to know like what kind of sure microphone they should use, right? It's like, no, you just gotta believe in yourself, right? It's like, no, I need some strategies around podcasting and maybe like the the hook and the titles and all that kind of stuff. Like, you don't need to think differently necessarily about that, right? But it's like approaching situations where you think you have the direction without asking the questions. And so in these scenarios, I get really curious. I I get curious and I listen to my intuition. AI is amazing. And as a coach, I I would highly encourage if anybody's a coach or a leader that they use it. But in some of the areas where it's not the best is intuition, hearing what's not being said by your client, right? And feeling the room and the energy when the person says it. And from that, I can figure out and help diagnose what is actually going on under the service. Now, here's the thing. As I was reading this book, what they were talking about was like when you look at the problem that you help people solve, right? For us is like the whole idea of like people being stuck. Now, per se, that is not necessarily a quote unquote problem like they define it in the book, because what they say is like it has to be a noun, like self-sabotage or something like that, right? But when I think about like the whole idea of being stuck, I've literally studied the idea of being stuck for the last 13 years. Like I have devoted my time, my attention into what causes people to get stuck, what causes them to get unstuck. And really, it ultimately started because I wanted to get myself unstuck. And really getting deep into this, like I've seen it from so many different angles. I've I've learned it through so many different things that I have such a deep understanding of it that I can jump on a call, have a conversation, and figure out what that thing is. Right. And and a part of that I can teach inside of our like high impact mastery academy. A part of that is just like my intuition, looking at the body language, seeing what people are saying, seeing what they're not saying, right? And so when I when I think about this, like sometimes this guy, he had gone to AI to try and like help him identify like what was causing him to be stuck. And and the one thing that I want to point out here is when we think about being stuck, okay. I don't want to get too deep into coach talk, right? But when you think about being stuck, there is an unconscious, meaning a subconscious thing that could potentially be keeping you stuck. That means you don't know it exists, but it's still holding you back. If you don't know it exists, you can't tell something, hey, this is what's holding me back. Help me solve this. Because you don't know it exists, right? You might know that like you react in those situations. You might know that you're showing up and doing things differently or not, it's not working, right? But you don't know what's under the surface. And so when I think about this, and I think about this is what I help people do, that's what I help them do. And that's why when I jumped on the call with him, he was like, wow, how did you see that so quickly? And the truth is, is because it wasn't happening to me. It's so much easier to identify that when we see it from somebody else, but also because I spent 13 years figuring out what does this whole idea of feeling stuck look like. And I don't mean just feeling stuck like in your business. I mean feeling stuck with your health, feeling stuck in your relationships, feeling stuck at work, feeling stuck with your boss, right? Feeling stuck with all these things. It's like I understand this to such a deep level that it allows me to see what that thing is under the surface and then show it to the people, right? And when they can see it, that then they can actually make a change. But we're gonna talk about this probably in a minute. Just seeing it also isn't necessarily the solution. It's the first step, right? But we have to take some different actions from there.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

Right, right. So the the book that you've been reading, um, it's called Wealthy and Well Known. Yep. It talks about speaking to one specific person. So, how did that concept connect to the work that we do with the growth model?

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Yeah. Here's where I think I was a little bit off when I've been talking about, like, let's say not only the growth model, but like what we do as coaches, right? And and that is like when I think about all of the things that coaching has done for me, right? When it comes to be like I said before, losing 100 pounds, all of these kind of quote unquote results, right? It makes it for me, it makes it hard for me to communicate what we actually do because we do so much, like in so many different areas. I can help people get creative when they don't feel like they're creative. I can help them bring out their story in a way that will connect with an audience by just asking them some questions. I can help them process an emotional situation or a really bad health-related thing by asking them some powerful questions, right? I can help them in so many different avenues, right? And so for me, like before going through this book, I was like, I need to pick one of these, right? And we picked various ones, and they don't necessarily feel 100% on for me. But this time it felt different. This time, because I was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about what do I, what did I help myself through by learning this skill, but also getting this skill to be done for me, like to for somebody to coach me through it. And when I saw that, I'm like, that's it. Ultimately, that leads to everything. It's like, how do you get unstuck around your health? How do you get unstuck around your relationships? Like all of these things. I'm like, that is what I do. I can help people really get unstuck. And in order to do that, I had to think about like that one person, which in this term, it was me. It was like, what is it that I actually unlocked? People say a hundred pounds. I lost a hundred pounds. Like, okay, but what was it that helped me to unlock that 100-pound weight loss, right? Most people were like, oh, the workout and the exercise and the food. And I'm like, no, there was an internal barrier that I had that I had to break through. For me, it was like thinking that I was big boned, thinking that I didn't have the time, thinking that like all of these other things, right? And and those are like some of the labels that were actually keeping me. And I didn't know they were until I like unlocked them.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

And then maintaining that too. Oh, big time.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

I mean, people will will lose and gain and lose and gain. That means you actually didn't solve the problem. You kind of like put the bandaid on the broken arm and it's like temporarily helped you, but like you just were getting medicine to mask it. You actually didn't get to the root of what actually is going on. That's why, like, if it keeps coming back, if you keep finding yourself in the same relationship over and over again, you keep finding yourself in the same business struggle over and over again, is because you haven't like learned the lesson from it, but you probably haven't gotten to the root of it, of what's actually going on. Right. And that's that's what I feel like the book has helped me in terms of being able to think about that as one person.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

So, so walk me through like what's actually happening underneath the surface when someone is stuck despite trying everything.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

Yeah. Yeah. So let me try and let me see if I can communicate this in a way that's not necessarily coaching language, so you can kind of hear it. So let me and let me just give you an example. All right. So somebody who maybe has some type of belief that they have had ever since they were a kid. And maybe their belief has something related to like I'm not enough. And by the way, this is one that's this for me. Like one of my real deep limiting beliefs is I'm not enough. What can happen is that is the filter that you now make decisions through, like that lens, when things come related to business or relationships or anything like that. And what it can do is if under the surface something happens, right? Something happens in your business, or uh, like the guy I was talking to yesterday, like the dishwasher isn't emptied, right? Like you can have this internal belief or thought pattern that gets you to feel angry or frustrated. And in that moment, you don't show up as your best self because you have this limiting belief that is kind of holding you back and it's trying to tell you, like, hey, you're just not enough. You're never gonna be enough. You're never gonna be able to do enough, right? And you also notice this that might be showing up by you saying yes to everyone. You're having zero boundaries. You're saying yes to everyone. You're watering yourself down and you're physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. Correct. And you don't, you're like, but I'm doing all the things. But what you don't realize is what's actually driving your behavior is not like your goals and your why and all those things. It's actually much deeper than that, something that has been ingrained in you that feels so true to you. And that is what's actually driving your behavior. The reason why I brought this up and the reason why I've like just dove into this, not only the science, but the study of it, is because for everybody, it's a little different, right? When I think about like taking somebody through this process and finding what the root is, like it's not all the same. It's not the same because we all have had different childhoods, we all have had different experiences, we all have done things on repetition or had people tell us things over and over and over again, like, oh, you're not good at math, you know, uh, so many times. And anytime a math situation comes up, you're like, ah, I suck at math, right? And so that's kind of like the lens that you bring it through. So, so when I think about like what is actually happening under the surface, is there's a story or perspective that you're telling yourself, and you've told yourself that so many times, or other people have told you it so many times, that you believe it at a root level, meaning it's running the show for you. It's the outdated software that is running all of the programs on the outside. Now, in the conversations I was uh having yesterday, there were moments when some of his belief system would actually help him, right? And and moments when it actually wouldn't. So he had this thing where he's like, Everything depends on me. That was his. Everything depends on me. Yeah, they're like, everything depends on me. So that in certain respects, it's like, I'm gonna take ownership of this, it depends on me, and I'm gonna crush it.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

It's a lot of pressure.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

That is, but then the opposite, like you said, it's a lot of pressure. So, like you're like trying to get everything ready, and then people are running late, or something is not working the way that it's supposed to, and then you're like, oh, I'm so frustrated right now because quote unquote, everything depends on you. And in that moment, you're not able to perform the way that you need to. And so it frustrates you. And now it's even takes you longer to do that thing, and you do it like with a negative energy, and it's just one of those things that can permeate. So, so it's it's it can be a little bit hard to describe, but I think the easiest way is like there's software that that your brain is using that is grabbing onto, that is running the system. And what if you don't realize and figure out that software needs to be updated, you're gonna keep doing the things, same things over and over again, getting the same results, and you're gonna be like trying new things, but the operating system doesn't work, right? You're like on Windows 95, and it's really time to like update it, you know?

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Yeah, yeah.

From Awareness To Reprogramming With Reps

Your Reflection Prompt And Coaching Invite

SPEAKER_01 18:05

So here's the thing for me a lot of people do come into sessions thinking like, hey, I'm the person who's holding me back, right? I'm the one who's getting in my own way. And to be honest, like that is actually not a thought that actually serves you. It actually just creates more of you getting in your own way. But I definitely hear it because I remember thinking this myself too. But when you can actually show them what's getting in their way, you know, some people call this an aha moment, but what I see is I see a shift in hope. Like I see it in their face, where they either thought there was something wrong with them, something wrong with their program, something wrong with people, something wrong. And then all of a sudden they're like, oh my goodness, I can't believe that was it. And now what I've noticed is like you start getting people talking and they're like, now I can see it. Now I can see how it's done this and this and this, and then this is how it impacted this. And it just gives them the ability of going, okay, what do I do with this? Right? What do I do with this? Which which is an important thing. So like just seeing it, that is like step one. And and when you can see that, you gotta still start thinking about like, what do I do to start changing that, to start reprogramming that? And it's because like um uh a lot of people in this space, they think that if they know it, they can automatically change it. But that's not how it works, right? We have to also reprogram it just like how it was initially programmed, but upgrade the software, and that's really what that next step is. What that looks like for us is coaching. For us, we you know, we teach this inside of the high impact mastery academy, but it's reps. It's being able to get coaching yourself, being able to go through this process. And for me, what uh I'm doing with this gentleman is after we identify what the route was, right, is he's now gonna get consistent coaching from me. And then he's also gonna learn the growth model, the framework that we use. So it's a mixture of both getting consistent coaching from me and learning the framework so he can use it because he's also gonna want to use it inside of his program and the thing in the people that he inspire, right? But doing those two things for him was his answer. Is like, I want to be able to get rid of this and and not have to worry about it. But also, I'm pretty sure there's a lot of other people who are in my space who have that same thing that I want to be able to help too. So that was his answer. But ultimately, like when you think about what your answer is, you got to be able to find your own answer, right? Of course, this is something that we can help with, and we'll talk about that in a in a few minutes. But really, it's it's getting clear on what it is and then having to plan to reprogram it. So here's the thing. Um, I kind of said this a minute ago, but stuck is not a character flaw and it's not a strategy problem, and it doesn't mean that it's not possible for you. It's a signal that something underneath hasn't been addressed yet. That doesn't mean that it's failure. It's just this is where most people leave off. And then they run to something else and accidentally bring this failure over there because they actually didn't get to the root of it. But knowing that you're getting in your own way is not the same skill as being able to stop it. Both are real and only one of them actually moves you forward. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to this week think about an area of your life where you've tried the most, but you've moved the least. I don't want you to rush in to change anything yet. I don't want you to think about 10 different strategies. I just want you to ask yourself, what if the problem isn't what I've actually been working on? That I've been putting all my time and attention in? What if that's not actually the problem? What if there's something under the surface? I just want you to sit with that because that answer, whatever answer comes up for you, is really worth paying attention to. Now, I said a minute ago, like, this is one of the skills that I do really, really well. And what I like to do is I like to offer people who are listening to this who are really serious about not just seeing it, but making a change the opportunity to jump on a call with me, maybe 20 minutes or so, so I can help figure out what that thing potentially is. Is and help you with a plan if it actually makes sense. So if you go to modernleadership.us forward slash quiz, there's a couple questions there because I want to know some things before we actually jump into the call. Once you do that, you send it in. I will send you a link to get on a 20-minute one-on-one call with me so we can help you get to the root of it. But I want to let you know that there are answers that are out there. I promise you, this is not something that's wrong with you. This is just something that hasn't been addressed yet. And that's what this is for. All right, guys. Um, thank you guys for what you do out there every single day. I really appreciate you for how you're showing up and really how you're willing to have these deeper conversations and figure out and get to the root of what's actually holding you back. I can't wait to help you. Um, if you're somebody who fills out that quiz, I will get back to you very, very soon. Thank you for what you do out there, and we'll see you guys on the neck up next episode. Bye, everybody.