Why The Best Leaders Stop Waiting to Feel Ready

Confidence Comes After Action

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So let's talk about confidence. Most people think confidence comes before you take action. But it doesn't. It comes after. Logically, I mean I can think about this, but in the moment, sometimes it doesn't feel like that's the case. It feels like you need to have confidence before you take action. But the truth is, is when you've done the work, you don't need to get confident. You just are. It's just a natural part of who you are. That's why today we're talking about why leading conversations, making decisions, and showing up with authority gets easier when you stop chasing motivation and start building proof through actual practice and feedback. So welcome to Modern Leadership. My name is Mark.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

And I'm Teresa.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

This is where we talk about what it actually takes to lead and coach people well. And today, like we said, we're talking about confidence, where it actually comes from, why quote unquote mindset alone won't get you there, and what changes when you stop waiting to feel ready and start stacking reps. So you ready to do that? Yeah. Let's go. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

So you talked about mindset. So I have a question regarding that. Like, why do people blame mindset when it's usually like a skill gap?

Good Failure That Teaches

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Okay. I feel like a lot of coaches, especially in this space, like we've been taught this idea around mindset. And the mindset is when I feel confident, then I can take action. What they tend to do is they're taking this thing called confidence and they're trying to mindset their self a way around it when really the way to do it is to close that gap of your skill. Here's what I mean is like when you're going out there and you're taking action and you're learning and you're getting feedback, like we see this all the time in the certification, like it is not just think positively and you'll immediately be able to help change people's lives with coaching. And this is also the one of the reasons why we talk about the responsibility that you have as a coach, as a leader, is to learn how to do that better. And just saying, I just need to have a better mindset, it's not actually helpful in certain respects. Because if you have a skill gap and you don't know how to do that, we can't just blame mindset. Now, and this is really funny because this is how the rest of the world thinks is they think they have a skill problem and they think that they need the steps, the technical solutions, and all the things to take action. But when we become a coach, we are sold this idea of mindset, which is important. I mean, it's so critical. But now we have the opposite problem where we think it's a mindset issue, and it's just we need to get out there and take more reps and learn those skills. And yes, to some degree, it's always both. I always find that it's a mixture of both, but it's blaming one versus kind of like taking ownership of it. Yeah. I was actually listening to a podcast this morning. It was Ed Milette's podcast, and he had John Maxwell on that. John Maxwell's coming out with like his 105th book or something, and it has a lot to do with failure. And he was talking about the good failure versus the bad failure. He said, the difference is good failure is you go out there, you get uncomfortable, you do something wrong, and you learn the lesson from it. You pull something from it, you're like, okay, this didn't turn out well. How would I do it differently? And what can I do differently the next time this happens? And he said there's also bad failure. And bad failure is you do it, you quote unquote do it wrong, and then you blame outside circumstances. You point to you didn't have time. Somebody taught you how to do this wrong. And what you do is you actually have a failure, but you don't learn and grow from it. And so it's just a failure. It encourages people to actually do the good kind of failure where you're failing and learning from it because that's actually how we grow the most, as opposed to failing for the sake of it and say the people who fail faster and harder grow more. That is not the truth because some people fail over and over and over again and they don't learn the lesson. And I feel like this is a part here where coaches get into like, oh, it's got to be all mindset. And it's a mixture of both, both the skill gap of learning how to coach, lead people, get to the root of what's going on, whatever it is that you do in your business or in your personal life or at work. But in reality, like just thinking about it related to mindset is really not where it's all at.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Yeah. But even that in and of itself, when you're talking about good failure versus bad failure, you have to have some level of awareness, right? And there is mindset involved in that, in choosing the good failure, in choosing to see things from a different perspective and knowing that, okay, I failed, but I can learn from this and then not make the same mistake next time so that I can succeed. So there is that level of mindset that is involved in that as well.

Confidence Versus Self-Confidence

SPEAKER_00 4:21

100%, 100%. Let's hit on that because I think this is very important. So when I first went through my coach training, I learned about the difference between confidence and self-confidence. What we're talking about today is confidence. And I want to make sure that I differentiate the two because people get confused by these two words. Confidence is based off of something that you've done before. You've done it before. Maybe even sometimes we have borrowed confidence, somebody else has done it before so many times that you know the chances of me being able to succeed are much higher. And I'm gonna keep doing this, and it builds your confidence the more that you do it. That's what we're talking about today, is like confidence in what it is you do. You cannot get confident before you do it. It's just not possible. You develop that confidence much faster when you start doing it. Doesn't mean it has to be right all the time, but when you do it, you're gonna learn so much. Yeah. Self-confidence is different. Self-confidence, if I had to describe this simply, it's your belief in yourself that you'll be able to figure it out. Knowing that no matter what happens, either you're gonna do it right or you're gonna learn through failure. And either of those, you know that those are the only two outcomes. So you have self-confidence that you're gonna be able to figure it out. Because I'm not sure if you know this, but you've climbed a lot of mountains before, you've solved a lot of problems, you've been able to get through some very difficult things, every single person who's listening. And all of those things are gonna be carried over into the future. But it's the difference between self-confidence and actual confidence. You can't have confidence for things that you've never done or that you just are theoretically thinking of beforehand. You develop confidence through doing. The self-confidence is getting yourself to do the things you've never done before, knowing that you're gonna be able to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Yeah. And it sounds like self-confidence is less to do with the outcome and more to do with the process.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

100%.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Yeah.

Fear That Blocks Taking Reps

SPEAKER_00 5:58

100%. Okay. So next question is why does it feel so scary to jump in and start taking those reps then, right? So we convince ourselves that we need to learn more. We need to get some more accolades in all this process before we actually step in and take action. We know of lots of people who have programs and things that they put together that they've never even shared with anybody in the world. So why do you think it's so scary to jump in and to start taking those reps?

SPEAKER_01 6:22

It could be a lot of different reasons, but one of them is the fear of failure. You don't want to fail. You just want everything to go smoothly and then you don't end up doing anything. I mean, we've had this conversation, I think it was last week with a coach. And it was like you stop yourself from moving forward. You stop yourself from taking those actions because you're so scared of failure that you just end up not doing it. So you fail by default, because if you don't do it, then that's an automatic fail. But I think for people, it's so scary because it's the unknown. It's the uncertainty of that outcome. And like I said, the self-confidence is more about the process and not the outcome. But it seems like when you think about confidence, you think you have to have that first. So then it's all about the outcome. So if you're thinking about if I do this, I'm gonna fail, then of course, you know, nobody wants to do it. Nobody wants to jump in and do the action or take the reps, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Yeah. Yeah. And as I hear you say this, this whole idea of failure, it can get very confusing in your brain in terms of like what your brain is actually telling you in the moment. Because if you have a feel of failure, generally that's not what your brain is telling you in this moment. Yeah. It's gonna give you indirect hints. It's gonna try to mask that and it's gonna tell you different perspectives or stories to get you to live where you're failing by default.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Like you said, I'm not ready.

Borrowed Confidence And Built Confidence

SPEAKER_00 7:48

100%, 100%. I'm not ready, or I need more time, or um, I've got to do this, whatever it is that you're kind of like telling yourself. And when you have a coach who can get to the root of it, then you find that that's the case, and then you can start rewriting that into something different. And just going back to this podcast I was listening to, they actually shared that. John Maxwell's like, hey, um, your job is to get into the stadium, but you have to make a decision if you're gonna be playing on the field or you're gonna be in the stands. And he's like, You're playing on the field, you have an opportunity to win. He's like, You're playing in the stands. He's like, I've never heard anybody who's won with a hot dog and a beer, right? It's like you actually don't get to play, you fail by default. And what we actually don't realize is that when we think we're afraid of failure, we actually fail by default and in a way that we can never recover from. Right. And this is why everybody talks about the fear of regret and stuff like that. So I really want to dive into this next one, which is what's the difference between confidence you borrow and confidence you build? I know I kind of talked about this earlier, but but share what comes up for you.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Yeah, the confidence you borrow, and I can see it from two perspectives. One is you see somebody else doing something. So then you say, Well, that's inspiring, right? Maybe I can do it. So you kind of borrow their confidence. But there's also when you're actually working closely with someone, let's say you were my coach and you're like, man, like she has so much potential. You know, I'm gonna tell her, I believe in you, you can do this. So then you can take advantage of that as the person that is trying to take the action or do the thing. And then you say, okay, I'm gonna borrow this confidence that this person has in me, even though I don't have it right now, but it's gonna give me maybe enough to actually move forward. And then there's the confidence that you build. You can build it from that. A lot of us have done that, right? We've had mentors before that have told us you can do it, and that has helped us kind of catapult us into succeeding and doing the things that we want to do to build that confidence. And then sometimes it is just confidence that you jump in and just do, right? And you build it little by little because you start to prove to yourself that you can do the thing.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

So many different things come up as you're sharing. But one of the things, like I was on a leadership call for the Dad Edge earlier, and a lot of times we don't remember our superpowers and we kind of like think through the terms of what's broken, wrong or missing, right? I mean, this is what the whole growth growth model is about that we teach, right? And and when you're focused on that, you can't see the amazing things that you do. Sometimes somebody has to remind you. Yes. And we remind them by asking them a question. And when they're reminded, they get to borrow that confidence again. They're like, this is my superpower. And you can see that when you ask them that level of question, a different level of person comes through. And that's a person who's going to be willing to take action, a person who's willing to get uncomfortable, a person who's willing to figure it out as they go as opposed to figure it out beforehand. And the way that we transform that is helping them to borrow our confidence, right? But also to remind themselves of how far they've come.

Feedback Beats Working Alone

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Yeah. Yeah. And you talked earlier about feedback. Yeah. That that was really important. So, how does feedback speed up growth like compared to working in isolation?

Inspiring Versus Effective Leadership

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Yeah. Yeah. We actually were talking about this again. So it was on the Dead Edge podcast. And we were talking about like the whole idea of we typically go inside when we don't know what that next step is, or we feel overwhelmed, or we feel the fear. We tend to go inside our own brain. And one of the things I remember from one of my mentors is the place that created the problem is generally not where you find the solution. And so it's just, it feels more safe because people aren't going to see us fail. People aren't going to like see us go through this process. But the opposite is true too, is when you lean in and you do something, even though you're scared, you literally model the behavior for other people who are doing new things that they've never done that they're scared to. And while you're verbalizing this and talking about it out loud, like I feel like there's so much power as you go through this thing to share it, not to wait until the end of everything, right? There's certain things that you don't want to share, especially with social media, but there's certain processes that you can go through and you're basically showing them that you're modeling the behavior you're asking of them. I think about this a lot. When I'm on a coaching call, am I taking the advice that I'm giving this person? And it's one of those things where it's kind of like a gift that gives back to you as a coach. Because when you're going through and you're having conversations and you're asking questions and they're giving you some great advice, and you're like, wow, I need to utilize that in my life too. It's kind of like an extra, not only boost of confidence, but it gives you more things that you could not only do, but think in your own life. And it gets you to just show up on a different level. And then you get to now inspire and motivate other people to get out there and to do things that they've never tried before. So that's kind of what comes up for me.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Yeah. And speaking of motivation and inspiration, where do you see people, coaches, leaders trying to be inspiring instead of actually being effective?

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Okay. So this might be a painful one, but I find that when I am teaching people how to coach or how to lead, that when they get into a situation where they're nervous or they don't know what to do, they default to whatever their personality or whatever their previous self typically does. And so I find that they start to be inspiring, they start to be cheerleaders. You got this. And it's like a coping mechanism for the coach because they don't know how else to have that difficult conversation. I mean, this is something that happens with coaches and leaders, but it also happens with significant others and kids. And that is like when you're having a difficult conversation, you're so nervous about it that you default to inspiring or giving them the best quote that you heard that day or something like that where you're trying to inspire them, but you're actually not helping them to the level that you could help them if you had a way to have that conversation. I mean, we actually have that new video that we put out where it's like talking about how to have like really meaningful, deep conversations when it gets hard. And we'll leave that inside of the show notes, but it's because so many people just will default to whatever their natural level is. For me, that was inspiring. I was like the best cheerleader on the planet. And so when somebody brought me something, well, I try to be, but when somebody brought me something, I'd be like, uh, and I didn't even know I was doing this. I was like, oh, inspire. Oh, motivate. And I didn't realize that that like that actually may have made them feel good in the moment, but then afterwards it actually made them feel worse because I actually hadn't solved anything. I hadn't actually shown them anything new. It was like I was just trying to get them inspired until they got off the call and then they kind of like were in their own head again, right? So so that's what's coming up for me is in those moments to be most effective is sometimes to have the hard and difficult conversation. And if you haven't done that before, I mean, that's another example of confidence. It's time to lean in. And uh, whether you have some type of framework or a skill, but don't ignore it. Don't get but into your default mode.

Trusting A Coaching Process

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Okay. So what would you tell someone who wants to help people but doesn't trust their own process yet?

SPEAKER_01 14:25

Yeah, I think for this is just finding a process or having a process and some structure is what will build that confidence. And I mean, that's one of the reasons why we have, you know, HIMA is that we have a process, we have feedback and the practice, right? So we kind of have like the whole thing just so that you can get comfortable with your style. Because then eventually you'll have your own style, but there needs to be some type of standard, some type of process that you can get started with, because otherwise you're just having random conversations. And some people will get stuck in that. They'll feel like, well, yeah, I'm coaching, but in reality, they're just asking questions, which yes, obviously that is part of the coaching process. But there is also a structure that you can follow to actually feel confident when you're going into sessions. Yeah. So you're not like, oh, okay, well, what are we gonna talk about today? And then you have no idea. And it could go off the rails, but having a process is one of the number one things to have.

Academy Invite And Closing

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Yep. Um, I want to call out two real quick things here. First off, for people who don't have a process, like you got to find out a process, whether it's you learn it from someone else or you just document what it is that has worked for you over the past, but you have to have some type of process in place. I hear this all the time. And this is probably from my early stages where I'm like, how powerful questions can be. And so people get into their mind that asking random questions will help produce something and will head people in the right direction. And that is not necessarily the truth. You can actually have a bad question that actually plants a limiting belief in someone. And so there is some fear around what if I do that? And if you don't have a process that can help you navigate those things, you need to have a process, right? This is why we talk about this so importantly. Like the responsibility that you have as a leader, as a coach, as somebody who could transform somebody's life is not about just asking random questions. It's making sure that we not tell people where to go, but we ask them questions that don't plant limiting beliefs or plant things in them that they think they need to focus on when in reality that has nothing to do with this. And staying out of the pool, clean thinking, these kind of things, right? Because it's very easy for us accidentally to take over when we don't actually have a process to own. So here's the thing: like if you are at this place and you have a process, you need to get out there, you need to do reps, you need to have as many conversations, you need to get help, but you also need to get feedback because doing something wrong over and over again will actually just implant more things for you to do wrong in the future and you'll think you're doing it right. I remember when I was going to the police academy at LAPD, the people who are the best shooters were the ones who had never touched a gun. I remember the instructor saying, the worst shooters in this line will be from the military because you've gone through so many different reps and training, you're gonna manipulate it wrong and you're gonna quote unquote fail and have to do it over again. And the people who've never touched the gun, you're gonna be perfect because you've never learned a way of doing this incorrectly. Also, in coaching, like if you have no idea and you're just doing it, you're thinking you're doing good, and maybe some sessions do end up well and some don't. Having some type of process is really, really important. So if you have one, lean into it, keep practicing, but also get feedback. Don't just keep doing it on your own, getting some feedback from someone else. But if you don't have a process, this is literally what we do. This is why we created the High Impact Mastery Academy, because we didn't have a process previous to six years ago when we actually learned the process that we really guide people through right now. And it was just about asking questions and motivating and mentoring. And this is how I lost weight. So this is how you could lose weight too. And I didn't really get effective with helping people until I had a process. So that's something you're interested in. We actually have our next cohort. It starts on May 2nd. Usually we have a new round every six months. This next one is starting May 2nd. And I gotta tell you, like so many people reach out later and they're like, oh my God, I didn't do it again. I wish I had done it five or six months ago because it does go by really fast and it's really powerful when you have that. But how we do this is we take applications only. We only have 15 spots for every single round because we do want to make sure that you get the feedback that you need to have these difficult conversations and have a path and know how to guide people. We don't just teach you basic skills, we also teach you advanced master coach skills. And so if that's something you're interested in, go to modernleadership.us forward slash academy. There's a quick application there, two to three minutes. We usually respond back within 24 hours if it's Monday through Friday. There's no sales call or anything like that. We'll get back to you and let you know whether you're a fit or not and share all the details of all the behind the scenes, how it works. We actually don't do that before you fill out the application because we are very set on making sure that you are the right person for the program. We're not in a let's sell everybody into something like this. No, we want the right people because it really truly makes a difference, not only for the people who are in here, but the impact we are making with a High Impact Mastery Academy. So thank you for having this conversation with me. Yeah. Yeah. I love this. It's really powerful. I mean, I actually enjoy our podcast episodes because we get to have these deep conversations. Guys, thank you so much for listening. We appreciate you for always leaning in, but also for the great responsibility that you have and that you're willing to lean in and get better and keep growing and never have a finish line there. I mean, that's the reason why you're listening to this podcast. It's why you're leaning in, is because you're here to make a difference in people's lives and you are. So keep leaning in, keep leading front of front, and we'll see you guys on the next episode.