Why People Ignore Great Advice And How Leaders Create Action

Why Good Advice Gets Ignored

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So you gave them the answer. And honestly, it was like a really good answer. But they nodded, said thank you. Maybe they were even excited. And they did nothing with it. I gotta say that this happens a lot when it comes to coaching, leading at home, even leading yourself. That's why today we're talking about why advice doesn't stick and what actually moves people to act. So welcome to the Modern Leadership Coaching Podcast. My name is Mark, and my beautiful, amazing wife is not with us today. She is extremely tired. And if you know what she's going through, if you don't, definitely check out her social media. But she's taking the week off. She will be back next week, and nobody misses her more than me. So that's why she's not here. But I want to really dive into this topic because I find that a lot of people who are in this space keep trying to help by giving advice and what changes when you shift from telling to leading and guiding. So the last podcast, by the way, we left you with a question. I want to answer that right now. This is a question of like, what would you do? And the example was you're leading a team and one person is consistently underperforming. Everybody on the team sees it, but nobody is saying anything. Now you probably thought about the conversation a dozen times, especially if you're in a high-stakes conversation like that. But maybe you're telling yourself that it's not the right moment. What would you do? Now the answer we're actually going to find today. That's the actual topic for today's conversation. First off, because these kind of conversations, we call them high-stakes, challenging conversations, these are the ones that actually produce the most results in our lives. It's not the easy ones that are just handed to us. It's not the, oh, it's a very easy way to make this decision because it's like the obvious one. These are the ones where it may not feel like there's a right or wrong decision, but there's going to be a conversation that needs to have, and we're just afraid of what's going to happen, not only during the conversation, but afterwards. Now I'm going to shortcut what I would do in this scenario because I have a lot of people who are in this spot that I help coach. And the answers are all over the board from what they've given me. Number one is they would ignore it and they would postpone it or push it off, which is generally not a good solution because everybody is watching what it is that you're doing and you're creating a culture that maybe you don't necessarily want. Number two is they go in aggressive. They fire the person, they demean them, or they say things in an aggressive tone. Hey, this is what you need to do. This is a performance evaluation that you need to reach. Otherwise, you are not going to be able to continue to work here. And the third is kind of like a middle ground, which is where I always love to start. And that is like actually having a difficult conversation to find out what is actually going on because you don't know. And anytime you think you know, you're projecting. And that is not helpful in the space of leadership, especially in the spacing of coaching, which is why taking the approach that we're going to talk about today is, I really believe, the best solution for everybody involved. Because the truth is, is if you don't learn this lesson and you fire the person or you pretend like it's not happening, you are basically not leaning into the opportunity that you have to create and do something different next time. But if you had more information, even if you decide that this person is not a good fit or they are a good fit, you will be able to set up the next person for much more success. And this is, I mean, if I found this in relationships too. If you seem to find that you just constantly attract the same people over and over again, or you constantly have to fire people, or you constantly have to tell people about X, Y, and Z, a part of that equation, the most important part, is how you're showing up in that conversation. And that can be a difficult thing, but at the same time, it is your greatest opportunity for growth. I do have some questions, some questions that Teresa has written out for me to answer to really help guide you through this process, but also get to see that there's a different perspective for you to tap into. It starts off by asking, why do people ask for advice and then not take it? And I really think the whole idea behind this, not only when it comes to like why do we give advice, but why do we look for advice, is we think our problems are a technical problem, meaning we need more information, we need the steps, we need to make a tweak to our strategy. And those things might be true. But ultimately, what I find is the biggest thing that holds people back is not the technical challenges. It's all of the things that you're thinking that are creating that situation for you that is preventing you from doing the things you actually need to do. Because any one of us can Google search, any one of us can use Chat GPT or Claude, any of us can find an expert. But if you found an expert and you're doing quote unquote what they said you're supposed to do and it's not working, it's not because it's a technical solution. It's actually an adaptive one. Why I think most people ask for advice and then not take it is because they're looking for a technical solution. They have an adaptive challenge. And so they can't work through that adaptive challenge in order to get themselves to do that activity. Or if they do get themselves to do the activity, they're just checking the box and they're not doing it with the full energy and belief that they need to actually take action and get results. And so that's why I think that people ask for advice is they think that that is what they need. And in turn, when you are a powerful leader and you're a powerful coach, you can help people get to the root of what's actually going on and you can solve and help them solve their technical problems, but not without like really diving into their adaptive problems, the things that they're telling themselves that are preventing them from taking action. Second one is what's the difference between giving someone the answer and helping them find it themselves? A lot of it has to do with belief in the person that you're helping. Okay. Because if you don't believe that the person has the answer, if you don't believe that the person is smart, knowledgeable, is able to figure things out, you will realize that you're starting to treat them like somebody who does not have the answer. And unfortunately, when you treat them like that, they're going to respond appropriately. And so in these situations, when you are actually giving them the answer, you are making them dependent on you. But there's this underlying thing. And that underlying thing is that they can't figure it out on their own. They have to come to you to figure it out. I find a lot of leaders go through this process too, where they're like, you know what? Why do I always have to be the person that comes up with the answers? And a lot of times it's because you're the one who's giving the answers, and you've kind of set up an environment where that's the case, as opposed to empowering the person to do it, potentially do it wrong, but learn from that lesson and at the same time empower them to go out and make additional decisions and actions that aren't required to be run by you. So that's what I really feel like is the difference. By the way, when somebody finds the decision within themselves, not only can they utilize their own superpowers, because generally we will think it through related to what we enjoy versus what we don't enjoy or what we're good at versus what we're not good at, but also they have more buy-in because they came up with that decision. And that's just really powerful because that will transfer into the energy that they put into that thing. Talked a little bit earlier about that, right? Some people will think if they're a high performer, they're the type of person who just takes action and that thing doesn't work. Many times I've actually come back and I've coached them and I have removed a limiting belief or gotten to see what's actually driving the behavior. And what they didn't realize is that when they were taking action, they were taking it from a very, let's say, not so high energy state. And so they weren't gonna ever produce results, even though they were doing the right activity. They were not doing it with the right energy. This is one of the things that you cannot find if you just give people advice. And instead, you get to the root of what's going on and you can ask them powerful questions. That's why you want to make sure that you're not giving advice in this situation. Next one is when someone nods and says, that makes sense but doesn't act, what did we miss in that conversation? We miss the thing that's actually causing them to get stuck. But there's a lot of things, especially in the self-help world, where people are like really starting to realize that I'm the thing that's holding myself back. Unfortunately, that is actually not a helpful thought because when you think about that, you keep focusing on you're the reason why you're stuck, you're gonna keep creating more stuckness. Instead, like really finding somebody who can help guide you through that process and actually get to the root of what's going on and show that it has nothing to do with your potential, nothing to do with your worth. It has everything to do with your brain trying to keep you safe and alive, which is what it's supposed to do. They remove some of that shame and some of that guilt and get you out of, oh, I'm my own worst enemy. If you've been somebody who's been like that, where you're like, uh, you know, um, what's holding me back is me, you are going to keep manifesting and creating that in your life. And so being able to find somebody who could ask you questions rather than giving you advice is really going to help you not only get to the root of it, but take the action that you want to take. The next question is how does telling people what to do actually create more dependence, not less? If you're the type of person where everybody brings everything to you, start thinking about am I asking a question to help them bring out the best in this, or am I giving them advice? Because if I'm giving them advice, I'm now training them to keep coming back to me and being dependent. One of the things that my clients tell me that they really love, and I actually really love it about what we do here, is my goal is not to make you be handcuffed to us or a specific coach or a specific person. My goal is to really empower you so you're gonna be able to do this on your own. I think that's a big difference between what we do inside of our High Impact Mastery Academy versus many other places, is they try to make it so that you are now tied to doing that thing. And there is a certain component of if there's something that has changed you, continue to lean into that thing to develop and get better, but also not go back to your old habits. And that's one piece. But if we think about the whole idea of really allowing for people to become independent, for them to be able to navigate this stuff on their own, knowing that they're still gonna run into situations where they might need some help. That's really where I feel like my place is is teaching them the growth model, showing how it applies to them, showing them how they can use this in their day to day, knowing that they might need some help for the more intense stuff, but also not making sure that they're dependent on me to guide them through it, for me to share the entire lesson with them and then be there, yes, when they need some additional help themselves, but making sure that they don't feel fully dependent on me before they take that action. It's one of the things that we do inside of our program to make sure that by the time you leave, you're confident knowing that you're gonna be able to help somebody through any difficult conversation and come out on the other end with a transformation, whether it's you transforming, them transforming, or the best, which is a mixture of both. Okay, so where do you see this pattern showing up outside of work in parenting, friendships, and mentoring? Parenting, I would say this is the thing that helped make the biggest impact and connection with my kids, but also with Teresa. I remember early on when I was in the Dad Edge Business Brotherhood. So I have an opportunity to actually teach and train and facilitate inside of that program now. But back when I was going through it myself, I remember there was this video, and you can do a search for it on YouTube. It's called It's Not About the Nail. And what it is, is it was this really funny skit. And basically what it was saying is so many times we look at situations as if my kids or my wife or my family is bringing this to me, then that must mean they want to fix it. And that is not the truth, not the truth at all. And so when we jump in to try and fix it, it's as if we're not taking the time to slow down and actually find out what's going on, or even just hearing where the person is so they can feel seen and heard and creating a safe environment for us to have a conversation. We bypass that and we jump into here's the three ways to do that. This video really connected to me because at the time I was doing that with Teresa. I was every time she brought me something, I was like, let me tell you the three steps in order to take action. And I didn't realize that one of the best ways of not doing that is asking her if she wanted somebody to give her some advice, if she wanted somebody to listen, she wanted a coach, whatever that process was, I was going to be there no matter what. And most of the time she said, No, I just want you to listen. And that's really where the connection happened. And when I think about like my kids, I think about my youngest who was struggling with getting up for school. Now, at the time, he was much younger than he is right now. And I remember having this conversation and giving ultimatums and trying to give, I don't know, rewards for when he did it right, etc. And nothing was working. And I remember slowing down. And instead of me telling him what we can do next, I asked. I said, I'm curious, like, what do you think it would be that would make it so that you were not only getting up at this time, but that you were excited and actually wanted to get up? What do you think would be something that would make you feel that way? And I remember because he stopped for a second, he said, you know what? I remember mom had that old Apple watch that tracked your steps. I think that if you told me that I could wear it to school, if I got up, I think any day that I got up on time, I'd be able to wear it. And if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to wear it. I think that would be a great idea. And I was like, why in the world did I not ask you any sooner? And let me tell you, there was actually a month and a half that this actually worked for. Then he grew out of it and he was not really interested in the steps. But I always go back to this, and that is any time that they have something they're struggling with, they need help with, I ask them a question and I see what they can come up with. And yes, there's times where they're like, I don't know, I'm not sure. And I ask them if I can explore it and give them some advice, or I'll even ask them, because I asked my oldest son today, I was like, hey, if you were the parent, what would you say in this situation? And it just gives them a little bit of different frame of mind. But it also empowers them to actually be leaders and not followers. And that's why I want to make sure that I always do that. So that's the pattern that I see showing up. That's why I like when I think about coaching and what this does and how this has impacted every area of my life. It's hard to just talk about doing this in the leadership or the corporate space, doing this, you know, for me as a police sergeant for LAPD, or doing it just related to my health and fitness to help me lose 100 pounds, or doing this as a health and fitness coach to help other people lose weight. Like this is that universal skill that I wish everybody had that everybody was taught in school, because I feel like it would make a huge impact, not just in the people that you can help, but in your family, really being able to help guide them and lead them in a way to bring out the best in them. I wish I had had this when I was younger. And I'm gonna do everything in my power to share this with as many people as possible, which actually does remind me. So we have this person, her name is Erin. If you've been on our social media, you know her. She is a master coach now for the High Impact Mastery Academy. She actually got her husband and her son, who at the time was about almost 18, into the program. And now he's 18. He graduated, he succeeded. I just gotta think about like the impact that he is making, is going to make, because now he understands not only how to lead people effectively, but also how to lead and manage his own mind. That is game changing. That is game changing. I wish I had something like that when I was younger. All right. Someone asked us recently, how do I stop being the person everyone comes to for answers? What would you say to them? Start being the person that everybody comes to for questions. Now we have this process we teach inside of the certifications related to the growth model. And it talks about the best of the past, the best of the present, and potential for the future. And if all you do, like let's say you don't understand what actually is holding people back, right? And you don't know how to go through that process. By the way, that's why we have the high impact mastery academy, and I'll share some details in terms of how to learn more about that. But if all you do is ask a question, have it be rooted in the best of the past, best of the present, or potential for the future. So even painting a picture of let's say somebody comes to you and they have a goal you want to achieve, and you're like, okay, so if it was easy, if we could remove all the pain, the struggle, the sacrifice, and you could achieve not only success personally, but success professionally, what would that look like by the end of next year? And if you can help them by painting that picture, it really helps them get clear on some things that maybe you would have not been able to bring out by just giving them advice. Now, if you're in the leadership space and somebody comes to you and whether they're struggling with doing something or you're trying to get them to take a new action, even saying something like, okay, I want to explain this to you, but I'm curious, like, what are some questions that you'd have to ask me to know that you have everything you need to be able to do this successfully? That's a question that you can ask somebody and maybe they're gonna be able to tell you, well, I'm doing good in this area, but this is the area that I'm struggling with. And you would have never known if you hadn't asked that question. So that's what I would say is that start becoming the type of person that everybody comes to for questions, not the person everybody comes to for answers. Now, here's the thing, talked about this a minute ago. So if you are in a role where people really depend on you and you want to learn how to guide them instead of carry them, that's why we put together a very short video on how to lead high-stakes conversations without winging it. If you go to modernleadership.us forward slash mastery, check it out. You can download it. It's six minutes. It will give you an idea of some things that are maybe happening behind the scenes. And then if it makes sense, we have an application to apply for the High Impact Mastery Academy. We have one every couple of months, but you have to fill out an application because this has to be something that is a right fit for you and a right fit for us as well, because the groups are very tight-knit and close, and we make sure that everybody gels well together. So fill out that application if it's something you're interested in. But remember that the goal in any conversation is not to have the best advice. The goal is to help someone think clearly enough that they don't need yours. That's really the shift. Not only from being needed, but really for being trusted. And that's what makes the best coaches and leaders on the planet. So thank you guys for leaning in. Thank you for doing what you always do out there, which is leading from the front. And I look forward to seeing you next week with my beautiful and amazing co host being back. All right, everybody. Have a great week.